I Make Poor Choices

She fucking did to me again.  I can’t believe she lied this time.  Actually, I did it to myself, I know what I’m getting into.  I know how she struggles with telling the truth.  I really should only blame myself.

My ex and I started talking after an 8 month hiatus.  Long story short, we hung out last weekend.  Anyone who know us can tell exactly where this story is headed.  It’s always the same.  One or both of us fucks up and everything falls apart.  It all ends in tears or anger and everyone’s sad.  Wah boo hoo

She lied about fucking someone of course. I don’t even care she fucked someone else, I care she lied.  Yes, it’s none of my business because I’ve been sleeping with other people.  But, I asked her flat out and she lied to my face.  She could have told me the truth or chose to decline to answer.  Instead, she lied.

Now I’m annoyed at her and want to walk away.  But there is a part of me that I wants to be spiteful and get back at her.  But why?  I’ll be the one who ends up feeling like a dick and having to deal with the consequences of my actions.  Cleaning up the wreckage of using someone as a pawn to hurt her.  It’s childish, stupid and makes me want to slap myself.  But that’s where my brain still wants to go by default.

Einstein never actually said ” The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results,'” but whoever did was absolutely right.  I want her to change and be the person she used to be.  I know that’s wrong and I shouldn’t want to change her, but I do.  I want her to be better and hold me accountable to be better as well.  But my fantasy is far from reality.

I act like I’m her father-figure, telling her how she should be living her life.  Meanwhile I’m a hypocrite who keeps making shitty choices in my own life.  My need to control is one of my biggest character flaws and the reason many of my relationships fail.

I want to be a family with her and her son.  Being with them was the only time I ever felt connected to a family unit.  I cling to that feeling.  Occasionally I let it go, but somehow it brings me back.  I’m stuck in a loop. A loop of my doing.

Choices and actions dictate life.  Making shitty choices gets you stuck in a loop chasing your dick around like a toddler just hoping life will get better.  Making difficult, positive choices can feel uncomfortable and won’t guarantee your life will become everything you’ve ever imagined, but it’s an opportunity to get out of the vicious loop of insanity.  I’ve said it before, life boils down to three things: Action, choices and chances.  The more action you take, the better choices you make, the more chances you get at living the life you want.

Bound up

I’m mentally constipated.  I feel like I have nothing to say at all.  I’m procrastinating from writing so often that my wrist is sore from jacking off so much.  That’s my go-to when I want to procrastinate.

I want to fire up my favorite site and have at it instead of trying to get some coherent words out of my head and onto paper.  It’s almost painful to write.  An uneasy feeling creeps up inside of me as soon as I start.  It reminds me of the anxiety I feel when I’m withdrawing from drugs.

My feet and legs are restless.  My ass checks clench tight.  I’m grinding my teeth until my jaw gets sore.  All because I feel the need to write.

Just knowing I feel this way makes me realize how badly I need to write.  No amount of reading, working out or jerking off can ever cleanse my mind the way writing can.  I need to bleed onto the page and purge my soul in order to get right. That’s the fix I need.

Writing is the one thing that’s truly mine.  My thoughts from my fucked up mind.  The more often I write, the less anxiety I feel. I feel lighter without my thoughts weighing me down and running wild in my psyche.

When I write to inspire, I feel inspired.  I feel obligated to practice the actions I preach.  I don’t want to be another hypocrite tauting some bullshit I don’t believe in.  Although, I have and will continue to contradict myself, that’s an unfortunate part of life.

I have to focus on momentum going in the right direction. What muse is calling me to write today and what will I produce?  Being creative makes life appealing.  Birthing something which only existed in my mind and giving it life with words is what I crave to do.

Then why do it fight it?  Why is it so hard to capture my ideas and present them for myself and others too see.  There is no pressure from anywhere other than from within.  Relax and release that tension.  Let the words flow.  Then I can create peace.

Sauna Thoughts

Kid Rock’s American Bad Ass is blaring in my headphones as I sweat uncontrollably in the sauna after my morning cardio session.  Yes, I’m a little ashamed to admit I’m listening to Kid Rock.  But I’m white trash and it worked this morning.

I have a full day ahead of me.  The choice is mine to either use it to its’ fullest, or let it pass me by.  To quote Kid Rock “I’m gonna fuck some hoes after I rock this place;” metaphorically speaking of course.  That’s how I want to spend my day.  Being present and appreciating that every day I’m above ground is a gift.

It’s easy to take life for granted when we all wake up with our anxiety and our problems.  They don’t disappear when we fall asleep.  They are right there waiting for us in the morning.

If we don’t have anything to be anxious about, our minds are very creative and can easily whip something up for us to stress about. We aren’t like our ancestors who woke up with real problems, worrying about getting eaten by a lion or some shit.  But we can certainly stress over driving to work in traffic or struggle over the existential question, “why am I here.”  I seem to focus on the latter quite often, and not in a healthy, introspective way.  Instead I put pressure on myself to do something great or my life is meaningless.  That’s always a fun conversation in my head.

It’s all bullshit to some extent.  Life is what you choose it to be.  I’m jealous of others who don’t search for meaning and do whatever their primal instincts feel in that moment.  It doesn’t seem like the the best long term solution, but it seems like a shitload of fun.

Life can have meaning to you or it can be a rat race devoid of any substance until you pass on and your matter floats back into the universe.  I’m not certain one choice is better than the other.  It’s simply perspective.

August 6th, 2017

I can’t sleep, my concentration sucks and my balls hurt.  I’m closing out the first week of an experiment – masturbating only once per week and no porn.

I’ve gone a week without masturbating before and it wasn’t an issue.  However, it wasn’t a goal I set out to accomplish.  Since this was a conscious choice and an experiment, my mind wants to create conflict.  It’s the pleasure principle, seek out pleasure while avoiding discomfort and pain.

I decided to try this experiment because I struggle with intimacy and sex.  I don’t feel a connection with my partners.  I’m desensitized from years of causal sex with multiple partners, porn and masturbation.

I place very little value on sex, so it no longer feels exciting and special.   It feels commonplace and mundane, like folding laundry.  But it strokes my ego and makes me feel like a man, a conqueror.

Sex seems like a great idea during the pursuit, but when the physical act occurs, I’m in my head thinking about everything else but sex.  I’m hoping whoever “she” is this time, will leave immediately afterwards so I can be alone.

It hasn’t always felt this way.  There have been certain people I genuinely loved and felt a deep connection with them.  That’s when sex is magical and feels wonderfully intense on more than a physical level.  It’s been quite some time since I felt that, but I’m getting off track.

I’m hoping by learning to control my sexual urges, like masturbation, I can create a renewed sense of excitement around sex.  I believe if I can make sexual relief a scarce resource,  it will feel more valuable to me.  This is my attempt to rewire my brain sexually in order to develop a deep appreciate and connection.

Since I started this experiment I have not been able to sleep well.  When I finally fall asleep, I wake up every two hours and struggle to fall back asleep.  I’m averaging maybe 4 hours of sleep a night.  It’s effecting my physical appearance and energy.  I’m very tired but my mind won’t let me sleep. I’m on edge.

When I lay down in bed and close my eyes, my OCD kicks in with sexual fantasies, which are very difficult to stop.  The fantasies are exciting and feel good to think about.  But they are still ruminations and that’s a problem.  I feel like a junkie needing his fix, obsessing over his drug of choice.

Physically, I’ve noticed an increase in lower belly fat and an overall softer appearance to my body.  My physical strength in the gym has decreased and I struggle to finish my workouts.  Increased cortisol from lack of sleep could be the cause.

As I’m writing this all I can think about is how bad I want to masturbate so I can feel better.  I can’t believe how difficult this has been.  I’m jammed up mentally and physically.  I’ve blue balled myself, I didn’t realize that was possible.

All of these symptoms could be totally psychosomatic.  My urges to masturbate are now driven by my belief that as soon as I do, my body will return to homeostasis. My balls won’t hurt, I’ll be able to sleep, my physical strength and appearance will come back and my mental clarity will return.

The positive side effects of this experiment have come in the form of increased output and productivity.  Even though I’ve been exhausted from lack of sleep, I’ve started accomplishing more during my day.  I’ve gotten back to writing daily, reading, learning and applying more.  I’m more focused at work and my sales have increased. (more…)

How I Got Here – Gains vs Loses

I lost it all. At least that’s how I felt.  No more steady high dollar income, no more life of crime, no more single life and no more steroids.

My life changed drastically 4 years ago. Some of the changes were voluntary, while others were forced upon me. Instead of appreciating what I would gain in my new life, I could only focus on what I no longer had.

My ex-girlfriend and I were moving in together to start a life as a family with her son. He was 3 at the time and I wasn’t going to allow him to be raised around a man who was selling drugs. He deserved better than that.  So I quit my lucrative profession of choice for the last 20 years and I had no idea what I was going to do.

Luckily, I had saved up a nice nest egg to make sure we would be well taken care of for a couple years. However, I totally lost perspective of that.  All I could think about was what in the hell was I going to do now.

I was lost and I certainly didn’t have the work ethic to go work for someone else. My ego told me that was beneath me.  I was an entrepreneur, so I had to figure out a way to be my own boss. It’s amazing what ego and arrogance can lead you to believe.

I was forced to give up using steroids because a scan found pool ball sized tumors on my liver. The doctors told me they were liver adenomas from using steroids and I had to quit using immediately. Two years later I found out they were cancerous and had be removed, but that’s a story for another time.

I had been using steroids off and on for the last 10 years. The last 2-3 years I used them continuously.  I was obsessed with how I looked and how “big” my muscles were. If I had to rank the importance in my life, it was in the top 3 things I cared about most.

Without steroids my muscles quickly diminished and my clothes no longer fit like they once did.  I would put on a shirt I used to love and have a meltdown complaining about how it used to fit.  I lost 15 pounds in a couple weeks. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror without clothes on. (more…)

Need a Spot Bro?

You’d think hearing the words “they all just want to suck your dick” would be greatest thing anyone has ever said to you.  But not on this day.

I was 26 at the time and started working out at a new gym in Philly.  I quickly became friends with a bunch of guys there.  One guy in particular, I would see almost daily.  We would bullshit every time I saw him and we became close (Fast forward a couple years later and he would actually save my life).

I remember he was supposed to meet me and some friends at a bar one night, but had to bail. I told him “that was gay” and he should “stop being a fag”.  That’s how I talked to my guy friends at 26. Sometimes I still talk to them that way, I’m a heathen and a relic, I know.

Eventually he asked me to stop calling him gay and fag. I laughed thinking he was being overly sensitive.  A few weeks later I found out he actually was gay. I was very surprised at first, but got over it quickly.  He was actually more shocked when I figured it out and asked him about It. He wanted to know who told me and he danced around the issue at first.  I didn’t give a fuck, he was my friend.  See how accepting I am?

I never spent too much time around gay people before, so unless it was blatantly obvious, I was oblivious to the fact.  As he got more comfortable with me knowing his sexual orientation he introduced me to all kinds of fun new phrases like big chaser and power bottom.

Finally one day he let me in on a little secret. Almost all of the Guys I was friendly with at my gym were gay too.  Then proceeded to tell me they weren’t my friends but they were interested in me.  He could have been fucking with me to see me reaction, but I felt sad.  All this time I thought I was making friends, it turns out they wanted to have sex with me.

I was so confused, and a little hurt I suppose.  I guess I found of what it was like to be a woman for once in my life.  Thinking all of these people were nice to you because their your friend, when really they just wanted your ass.

I’m not the type of straight guy who thinks all gay men want him or anything ridiculous and delusional like that.  I’m not that much of a troglodyte.  I’m secure in who I am and realize most people understand boundaries if you set them correctly.  But I found out how naive and ignorant I was to the world around me.  Guess I probably still am.

200 Word Free Flow

I just had my 2 year check up and I’m cancer free!  I graduated from scans and checks ups every 3 months to now every 6 months.  It’s a great day and you would think I’d be the happiest man on the planet.  I am happy, but at the same time don’t feel as grateful as I should.

My mind likes to play out horrible situations where the cancer comes back and I have to fight for my life.  I don’t know how to accept peace into my life, only chaos.  I don’t feel comfortable in a state of homeostasis.  I understand chaos and pain.  If I don’t have a crisis, I’m not sure how to act.

I’m lost in my head.  Am I overthinking all of this?  Am I supposed to spend my day being an overachiever because I received great news?  Who makes these rules and why am I so worried about following them?

I don’t know who I am or what I want.  I never had a passion to follow in my life that I recall.  Maybe health and fitness.  I saw the trend 15 years ago but didn’t follow my heart because I didn’t see the immediate financial rewards.  Today, the industry is so crowded and I’m even more concerned about money and material things.  How can I waste my life never chasing passion?  Fuck, I want to scream.

The heat from the sauna is starting to bother me.  The sweat dripping off my forehead onto my screen is making typing difficult.  I want to say fuck it.  Here’s my 200 words.  I’m done for the day.  You happy brain.

10 creative ways to squeeze writing into your day

If you’re anything like me, you’re always scrambling to find time to write.  I made a promise to myself I would write at least 200 words every day and see what happens.  I don’t always have the luxury to clear my schedule and sit down for an hour during the day and write without distraction.  So I had to get creative and use my “in-between time” to get my writing done.  Here’s the 10 best time’s I’ve found to write.

  1. In the sauna – I try to use the 10-15 minutes I spend in the sauna post workout to get some writing.  There’s some occupational hazards like your sweat falling on your jumbling up your words or your phone occasionally overheating.  But I have found a lot of good ideas come out when I am extremely hot and uncomfortable.  I’m actually sitting in the sauna writing this now.
  2. On the toilet – This is an obvious choice.  You’re going to be sitting there for a few minutes with your phone, why not write rather than scrolling through Instagram.
  3. At the end of your workday – I’m usually the last one at my office, so it’s quiet and there are no distractions.  I’m still in work-mode and haven’t been beaten down by the traffic on my commute.  This is also a good time for editing for me.
  4. Bedtime – When I crawl into bed at night I always have thoughts racing through my head.  Some are constructive, others are my insane ruminations.  Either way, writing helps me get to sleep by capturing those thoughts and emptying my mind.  I make sure to keep my phone near my bed so I can write down any ideas I get at night, because I know I will never remember them in the morning.
  5. Stuck in traffic – I don’t necessarily recommend this on for everyone, because it could be dangerous and illegal.  But I’ve been stuck in standstill traffic for 10-15 minutes and whipped out my phone and wrote.  I hate wasting time doing nothing.
  6. In between chapters while reading – I always get a ton of ideas while reading.  I jot them down and when I finish a chapter I try to make something out of my notes.  I use it as a reward for each chapter I read, because there’s times when I would much rather write than read.
  7. First thing In the morning –  Get those ideas out early and on paper.  Either while you’re still laying in bed or as part of your morning routine.  This is a very effective way deal with any anxiety you may be feeling about the day or you could use it to map out your daily goals.   Get it in front of you and see it for what it is.
  8. While at the dog park – It’s a little antisocial and I don’t want to neglect my dog, but on days she’s really into playing with other dogs, it gives me some time to get writing in.  When the weather is beautiful, it’s especially nice to be writing outside, taking in all that sunshine.
  9. In between sets at the gym –  I get 60-100 seconds between sets.   Normally I would be texting, checking SnapChat or a dating app. Instead, this gives me a time crunch to create something.  Sometimes a deadline can help get your ideas flowing.   Also,  its a reprieve from thinking about the physical stress your body is under and movement stirs up your ideas.
  10. While waiting – We all have empty spaces in our life, like at the barbershop, the DMV or before a meeting.  How often do you waste that time on social media or sitting there doing nothing? Why not use that time to write?  It helps control your feelings and emotions before a big meeting, like I’m about to have.  I write about my anxiety and fears regarding the meeting and how I may react. It’s a great prophylactic against blowing your stack.  I need that in my life.

You in there Ray?

You ever notice the little voice in your head while you’re reading? Today I realized it wasn’t my voice, but someone else’s. I couldn’t figure out who. Then it hit me. It’s Ray Liotta’s voice. Like the way he sounded narrating Good Fellas. I mean, I enjoy that movie, but why the fuck is he reading to me?

Evil Empire

I fucking hate Apple more than ever before. I constantly have problems with my iPhone. I’m not the easiest on electronics, so I have to take some accountability for the issues. Also, because of Apple I have a business.  But none of that is any fun to talk about and gets in the way of my rant.

My phone has been losing service a couple times a day for the last 2 weeks. The status at the top shows “Searching” and I can’t make calls or use my phone unless I’m on WiFi. Today it finally shit out on me for the whole day.

I dread going to the Apple Store to ask the smug, hipster jack offs who work there for help. I’d rather watch Lena Dunham do naked jumping jacks in front of me for the rest of eternity.  But today I have no choice.

I jumped in my car and headed over to the Apple Store. It’s in this uppity white neighborhood that always packed with rich soccer moms and and their shitty, spoiled kids. Doesn’t anyone fucking work?  I judge all of them.  Forgetting the fact I should working as well, but I’m here being just another asshole in this store.

I knew I wasn’t going to get service right away. I coached myself on the way over to relax and not freak out the instant I walked in the door. You get more flies with honey. And in the grand scheme of life it’s a minor inconvenience. By the time I finally found parking and entered the store all that shit was out the window.

I walked up to the guy working there with a sense of entitlement that my problems were more important than anyone else’s.  The first guy seemed like he was going to be helpful. Unfortunately he directed me to his colleague, who looked like a slightly more stoned version of Kendrick Lamar and I was informed I would have to wait at least an hour and a half.  I felt my chest inflate, my hands clinch and my jaw tighten. When I pointed out the fact there were plenty of employees standing around doing nothing, he didn’t flinch and calmly told me many of them are sales people not technicians.  Fuck me, right? (more…)