How I Got Here – Gains vs Loses

I lost it all. At least that’s how I felt.  No more steady high dollar income, no more life of crime, no more single life and no more steroids.

My life changed drastically 4 years ago. Some of the changes were voluntary, while others were forced upon me. Instead of appreciating what I would gain in my new life, I could only focus on what I no longer had.

My ex-girlfriend and I were moving in together to start a life as a family with her son. He was 3 at the time and I wasn’t going to allow him to be raised around a man who was selling drugs. He deserved better than that.  So I quit my lucrative profession of choice for the last 20 years and I had no idea what I was going to do.

Luckily, I had saved up a nice nest egg to make sure we would be well taken care of for a couple years. However, I totally lost perspective of that.  All I could think about was what in the hell was I going to do now.

I was lost and I certainly didn’t have the work ethic to go work for someone else. My ego told me that was beneath me.  I was an entrepreneur, so I had to figure out a way to be my own boss. It’s amazing what ego and arrogance can lead you to believe.

I was forced to give up using steroids because a scan found pool ball sized tumors on my liver. The doctors told me they were liver adenomas from using steroids and I had to quit using immediately. Two years later I found out they were cancerous and had be removed, but that’s a story for another time.

I had been using steroids off and on for the last 10 years. The last 2-3 years I used them continuously.  I was obsessed with how I looked and how “big” my muscles were. If I had to rank the importance in my life, it was in the top 3 things I cared about most.

Without steroids my muscles quickly diminished and my clothes no longer fit like they once did.  I would put on a shirt I used to love and have a meltdown complaining about how it used to fit.  I lost 15 pounds in a couple weeks. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror without clothes on. (more…)

Need a Spot Bro?

You’d think hearing the words “they all just want to suck your dick” would be greatest thing anyone has ever said to you.  But not on this day.

I was 26 at the time and started working out at a new gym in Philly.  I quickly became friends with a bunch of guys there.  One guy in particular, I would see almost daily.  We would bullshit every time I saw him and we became close (Fast forward a couple years later and he would actually save my life).

I remember he was supposed to meet me and some friends at a bar one night, but had to bail. I told him “that was gay” and he should “stop being a fag”.  That’s how I talked to my guy friends at 26. Sometimes I still talk to them that way, I’m a heathen and a relic, I know.

Eventually he asked me to stop calling him gay and fag. I laughed thinking he was being overly sensitive.  A few weeks later I found out he actually was gay. I was very surprised at first, but got over it quickly.  He was actually more shocked when I figured it out and asked him about It. He wanted to know who told me and he danced around the issue at first.  I didn’t give a fuck, he was my friend.  See how accepting I am?

I never spent too much time around gay people before, so unless it was blatantly obvious, I was oblivious to the fact.  As he got more comfortable with me knowing his sexual orientation he introduced me to all kinds of fun new phrases like big chaser and power bottom.

Finally one day he let me in on a little secret. Almost all of the Guys I was friendly with at my gym were gay too.  Then proceeded to tell me they weren’t my friends but they were interested in me.  He could have been fucking with me to see me reaction, but I felt sad.  All this time I thought I was making friends, it turns out they wanted to have sex with me.

I was so confused, and a little hurt I suppose.  I guess I found of what it was like to be a woman for once in my life.  Thinking all of these people were nice to you because their your friend, when really they just wanted your ass.

I’m not the type of straight guy who thinks all gay men want him or anything ridiculous and delusional like that.  I’m not that much of a troglodyte.  I’m secure in who I am and realize most people understand boundaries if you set them correctly.  But I found out how naive and ignorant I was to the world around me.  Guess I probably still am.

200 Word Free Flow

I just had my 2 year check up and I’m cancer free!  I graduated from scans and checks ups every 3 months to now every 6 months.  It’s a great day and you would think I’d be the happiest man on the planet.  I am happy, but at the same time don’t feel as grateful as I should.

My mind likes to play out horrible situations where the cancer comes back and I have to fight for my life.  I don’t know how to accept peace into my life, only chaos.  I don’t feel comfortable in a state of homeostasis.  I understand chaos and pain.  If I don’t have a crisis, I’m not sure how to act.

I’m lost in my head.  Am I overthinking all of this?  Am I supposed to spend my day being an overachiever because I received great news?  Who makes these rules and why am I so worried about following them?

I don’t know who I am or what I want.  I never had a passion to follow in my life that I recall.  Maybe health and fitness.  I saw the trend 15 years ago but didn’t follow my heart because I didn’t see the immediate financial rewards.  Today, the industry is so crowded and I’m even more concerned about money and material things.  How can I waste my life never chasing passion?  Fuck, I want to scream.

The heat from the sauna is starting to bother me.  The sweat dripping off my forehead onto my screen is making typing difficult.  I want to say fuck it.  Here’s my 200 words.  I’m done for the day.  You happy brain.

10 creative ways to squeeze writing into your day

If you’re anything like me, you’re always scrambling to find time to write.  I made a promise to myself I would write at least 200 words every day and see what happens.  I don’t always have the luxury to clear my schedule and sit down for an hour during the day and write without distraction.  So I had to get creative and use my “in-between time” to get my writing done.  Here’s the 10 best time’s I’ve found to write.

  1. In the sauna – I try to use the 10-15 minutes I spend in the sauna post workout to get some writing.  There’s some occupational hazards like your sweat falling on your jumbling up your words or your phone occasionally overheating.  But I have found a lot of good ideas come out when I am extremely hot and uncomfortable.  I’m actually sitting in the sauna writing this now.
  2. On the toilet – This is an obvious choice.  You’re going to be sitting there for a few minutes with your phone, why not write rather than scrolling through Instagram.
  3. At the end of your workday – I’m usually the last one at my office, so it’s quiet and there are no distractions.  I’m still in work-mode and haven’t been beaten down by the traffic on my commute.  This is also a good time for editing for me.
  4. Bedtime – When I crawl into bed at night I always have thoughts racing through my head.  Some are constructive, others are my insane ruminations.  Either way, writing helps me get to sleep by capturing those thoughts and emptying my mind.  I make sure to keep my phone near my bed so I can write down any ideas I get at night, because I know I will never remember them in the morning.
  5. Stuck in traffic – I don’t necessarily recommend this on for everyone, because it could be dangerous and illegal.  But I’ve been stuck in standstill traffic for 10-15 minutes and whipped out my phone and wrote.  I hate wasting time doing nothing.
  6. In between chapters while reading – I always get a ton of ideas while reading.  I jot them down and when I finish a chapter I try to make something out of my notes.  I use it as a reward for each chapter I read, because there’s times when I would much rather write than read.
  7. First thing In the morning –  Get those ideas out early and on paper.  Either while you’re still laying in bed or as part of your morning routine.  This is a very effective way deal with any anxiety you may be feeling about the day or you could use it to map out your daily goals.   Get it in front of you and see it for what it is.
  8. While at the dog park – It’s a little antisocial and I don’t want to neglect my dog, but on days she’s really into playing with other dogs, it gives me some time to get writing in.  When the weather is beautiful, it’s especially nice to be writing outside, taking in all that sunshine.
  9. In between sets at the gym –  I get 60-100 seconds between sets.   Normally I would be texting, checking SnapChat or a dating app. Instead, this gives me a time crunch to create something.  Sometimes a deadline can help get your ideas flowing.   Also,  its a reprieve from thinking about the physical stress your body is under and movement stirs up your ideas.
  10. While waiting – We all have empty spaces in our life, like at the barbershop, the DMV or before a meeting.  How often do you waste that time on social media or sitting there doing nothing? Why not use that time to write?  It helps control your feelings and emotions before a big meeting, like I’m about to have.  I write about my anxiety and fears regarding the meeting and how I may react. It’s a great prophylactic against blowing your stack.  I need that in my life.

You in there Ray?

You ever notice the little voice in your head while you’re reading? Today I realized it wasn’t my voice, but someone else’s. I couldn’t figure out who. Then it hit me. It’s Ray Liotta’s voice. Like the way he sounded narrating Good Fellas. I mean, I enjoy that movie, but why the fuck is he reading to me?

Evil Empire

I fucking hate Apple more than ever before. I constantly have problems with my iPhone. I’m not the easiest on electronics, so I have to take some accountability for the issues. Also, because of Apple I have a business.  But none of that is any fun to talk about and gets in the way of my rant.

My phone has been losing service a couple times a day for the last 2 weeks. The status at the top shows “Searching” and I can’t make calls or use my phone unless I’m on WiFi. Today it finally shit out on me for the whole day.

I dread going to the Apple Store to ask the smug, hipster jack offs who work there for help. I’d rather watch Lena Dunham do naked jumping jacks in front of me for the rest of eternity.  But today I have no choice.

I jumped in my car and headed over to the Apple Store. It’s in this uppity white neighborhood that always packed with rich soccer moms and and their shitty, spoiled kids. Doesn’t anyone fucking work?  I judge all of them.  Forgetting the fact I should working as well, but I’m here being just another asshole in this store.

I knew I wasn’t going to get service right away. I coached myself on the way over to relax and not freak out the instant I walked in the door. You get more flies with honey. And in the grand scheme of life it’s a minor inconvenience. By the time I finally found parking and entered the store all that shit was out the window.

I walked up to the guy working there with a sense of entitlement that my problems were more important than anyone else’s.  The first guy seemed like he was going to be helpful. Unfortunately he directed me to his colleague, who looked like a slightly more stoned version of Kendrick Lamar and I was informed I would have to wait at least an hour and a half.  I felt my chest inflate, my hands clinch and my jaw tighten. When I pointed out the fact there were plenty of employees standing around doing nothing, he didn’t flinch and calmly told me many of them are sales people not technicians.  Fuck me, right? (more…)

There Used to be Hair There

My day started out with such promise. I woke up at 5:15 to meet my friend for an early morning workout and discuss some business.  Then I got myself ready and my dog and I headed to work.

On the way to work I caught the reflection of the back of my head in a mirror and it was soul crushing.  I know I’m going bald, but I didn’t realize it was as severe as it appeared today.  When I’m doing my hair I literally take pictures of the back of my head to see if I got the combover right.  So I know it’s happening, but I feel like the process sped up several years over the past 2 months.  So that set me in a bit of a tailspin, but I kept on moving along with my day.

I got to my office earlier than normal with the hopes of having an amazingly productive day.  I told myself I was going to make a shitload of sales calls and close several deals.  But then I had to deal with a shipment that came in.  I had to go through 500 packages of fucking fidget spinners to see how many were broken in transit from China.  Yes, I’m selling fidget spinners as a new item and yes it saddens me I’ve stooped so low.

After finding 50 broken spinners out of 500, I realized the instructions on the back were written in fucking Turkish.  Sometimes China is just gonna China you and that’s the way it is.

Once I finally got done with that time and energy drain I found out one of our warehouse employees incorrectly counted in several of our new items.  So back to the warehouse I went to correct the issue.  By the time I was done with all this menial bullshit it was 4 o’clock and I was pretty much over today. I felt defeated.

I felt myself wanting to freak out and take shit out on everyone around me.  I started to obsess over why my shirt didn’t feel like it fit me the same way it did 2 weeks ago.  I questioned my diet and told myself how shitty I looked.  I wanted to fight with my business partner because he was taking longer than I felt he should have to get me some information I needed.    Then I went back to worrying about how bald I’m getting again and prayed to the Gods of Propecia to start working soon. (more…)

And this is how I write

A friend of mine has been struggling with writer’s block and asked me about my writing process.  I never gave much thought to the mechanics of my writing.  Then as I was reading “Steal like an Artist,” I realized I do have a specific creative process.

  1. When an idea comes to me, I stop whatever I’m doing, open up the Notes App on my phone and write until I no longer have anything coming out of my head in a rapid fire manner.
  2. I would write by hand, but my handwriting is horrible and undecipherable.  Using my phone is my way of handwriting.  I feel a greater connection to my thoughts and feelings using Notes.  It’s almost a physical connection, I can feel myself purging what’s in my head.
  3. I let my ideas flow without judgment.  I don’t worry about grammar or spelling because that gets in the way of me capturing ideas freely.
  4. I Write all in one block.  No paragraphs.
  5. Once the words stop coming out easily, I stop and close the app.
  6.  I go back and add to it as things come to mind.
  7. I Email whatever I wrote to myself and post it into a draft on WordPress to work on later.
  8. I take that raw data in block form and try to create something usable out of my cluttered thoughts
  9. I post it to my blog, Medium or Facebook
  10. Repeat

I don’t like to write on my computer because it feels boring and robotic.  I look at a computer all day at work.  It lacks authenticity and shuts down my creativity.  The only purpose it serves for me is fine-tuning and posting the finished product.

So that’s it, that’s how I write

 

It’s Friday Night

Ahhhhh the games we play.  Well, the games I play may be more accurate.

It’s Friday night at exactly 11:11 for those superstitious types like myself.  I got home from work 2 hours ago and I’m laying in bed after finishing a book.

I was exhausted and hungry when I got home. All I wanted to do was shower, eat and have some alone time.  Normally Friday nights I have a visitor stop by for our weekly rendezvous.  I’ve been horny as fuck all week and was really hyping it up with dirty talk to her yesterday.  But when I left work I wasn’t feeling being around anyone or having sex tonight.

She asked about coming over and I gave my usual noncommittal response, “Text me later and we will see.”  She hates when I do that and I know it, so of course I love doing it.

I don’t want to put the effort in tonight, but I’m getting a little horny and bored now that I’m finished reading.   I’m feeling a little needy as well, seeing as how she hasn’t text me back yet asking if she can come over in about an hour.   Plus I took a preemptive Viagra and I don’t want it to go to waste.  Yes, I use performance enhancing meds, I’m not ashamed.

I snapped her a pic of me in bed and she responded “sex time?”   I replied by telling her I just finished reading a book and never answered her question.  I want her to work a little for this.  I get off on the control.

I’m trying to see how long I can keep this going until I fold.  I text her again asking if her her ass was clean.  She let me know she was fully prepared for tonight, anticipating she would see me.  I have to giver her credit for that.

I know I’m going to give in a few minutes because I want sex before it’s too late.  With my no sleepover policy it’s important to make sure I don’t let anyone come over later than midnight or they may get the wrong impression.  Once the deed is done, it’s my bedtime and they have to go.

Right now writing is my procrastination from having sex.  Which is odd because I normally procrastinate from writing by having sex with my hand.

It’s been 20 minutes now, it’s time to pull the trigger and tell her to come by.  I have to lay down extra sheets because she squirts like a fountain and it always turns into an awful mess ruining my bed.  I either have to change all my sheets or sleep on the couch after she stops by.

I’m not sure if this is how normal nights are supposed to go for someone my age. I guess now is not the time for judgement, reflection and deep soul searching.

Great….Another Dating App Post

 

My OCD now controls my use of dating apps.  I’m not talking interacting on dating apps, I mean the actual manner of how I use the apps.   There’s a process I have to stick to.

First, I only use the apps when I’m taking a shit.  I figure I’m stuck there for a couple of minutes, so I might as well make it me time and check out the dating world.  Occasionally I’ll still go on and swipe when I’m bored or I’m procrastinating at other times of the day.   But, It’s rare.  I do the majority of my dating work while sitting on the can.

Second, I must start out using Bumble.  I’m not sure why, but it’s what my brain tells me to do.  So I listen like a good little soldier.

I open the app and I hit the little blinky fucking diamond icon at the top right of the screen so I can see how many people swiped right for me.  There’s a preview that shows the number of possible matches you may have, but it doesn’t show you who they are.   The premium, paid version of bumble shows you who swiped right for you before you even come across them.  I don’t have bumble premium anymore because it depressed me too much.  I would go on and see all the monsters that swiped right for me and started to worry about my attractiveness.  I’m getting close to midlife crisis time and my ego is way to fucking fragile for that.  Plus it defeated the purpose of playing it like a game and I got bored quickly .

So anyway, I look at the number of possible matches then I start to swipe.  I’m incredibly OCD and need to swipe in batches of 10.  I can’t close the app or look at my matches until I hit a multiple of ten.  I count off each person one by one.  Sometimes, I’ll see how long I can keep swiping without matching in multiples of ten.  Those are usually really slow days in my life that I’m not proud of.

Third, I hit up tinder. I’m usually disgusted with what I see within 5-7 swipes.  I’m even more disgusted with myself that none of them found me attractive enough to match with me.  However, there’s times when I start off with 8-10 very attractive girls in their early twenties, which piques my interest.  I’ll swipe right vigorously on their pics.  I can feel myself making a pervy face and grunting when I do it.  After I don’t match with any of them In multiples of ten, I close the app, wipe my ass and go about my day.

You’re welcome dating world.