I wrote this almost 3 years ago. Far before I realized I enjoyed writing or had any urge to start a blog and share my thoughts. My therapist told me writing a letter to my father may help mitigate the anger, pain and resentment I felt towards him.
I completely forgot I wrote this letter. It was tucked away in the notes on my phone. I happen to come across it tonight while doing some electronic organizing. I juI never sent the letter to him, that wasn’t the point. I never intended to share it with anyone. But here it is.
This is the note in it’s entirety, with spelling and grammar errors. I wanted to share it as it was originally written, with all its flaws.
I am writing this letter to say a few things. These things are not necessarily as much for you as they are for me. I have lived my life following in your footsteps in many ways. I made bad choices in regards to a career path and choose to never give up a certain lifestyle. Even when I was at ADP and successful I never could give up the other side of my life, the same route you went. I have seen where that got you and I do not want that for my life. I have talked a big game about getting out and finally making things work in the legit world with my businesses. I have had several failed businesses just like you , but I finally have one that has a chance and is growing pretty well since I started it over the last two years. I am so close to quitting all the bullshit and being done, but I am terrified to do so because of the money, the lifestyle and the not knowing who I am or what to do once that ride is over.
I need to tell you I forgive you, in order to forgive myself and let go of all the anger and hatred I have for you. You were extremely abusive mentally, emotionally and at times physically. You always pushed people away that cared for you by your actions. I have become the same way, especially towards the woman in my life and have lost several good ones in the process ( the only part I have not been is physically abusive). I am unable to commit to anyone and constantly find fault in everyone I am with. I convince myself I am not happy with them, so that I can keep my distance and not be poison and toxic to them the way you were to me. In the end though, I end up not only hurting them terribly but also myself. I am a grown man and not saying this is all your fault because I should have done something about this long before hand. I am going back to therapy and sticking with it this time bc I cannot continue to live my life like you did. I literally sabotage relationships and other good things in my life because I fear making the mistakes you did. You know how bad it sucks to live worrying about making someone else’s mistakes and being unable to live your own life because of that.
I used to wonder how someone who is supposed to support and love you can treat you so poorly and could steal money from you and never even once apologize. However, I realize you are sick just like me. You grew up in an abusive home with your mother and maybe you never knew better. You definitely have never done anything about it to change anything or better yourself. Even though we do not speak or have contact, I see you in me everyday. The way I talk and act, the asinine shit I say, even the way I look at times and I lament that. It makes me hate myself because of all the anger I have towards you. I had to put all these feelings down and get them out in front of me in order to deal with them. I wanted to tell you that I know you are a sick man, just as I am, and for that I forgive you. I do not know that I can ever have a relationship with you again, nor do I know if you would even want to, but I just wanted to say, I forgive you.