I just had my 2 year check up and I’m cancer free! I graduated from scans and checks ups every 3 months to now every 6 months. It’s a great day and you would think I’d be the happiest man on the planet. I am happy, but at the same time don’t feel as grateful as I should.
My mind likes to play out horrible situations where the cancer comes back and I have to fight for my life. I don’t know how to accept peace into my life, only chaos. I don’t feel comfortable in a state of homeostasis. I understand chaos and pain. If I don’t have a crisis, I’m not sure how to act.
I’m lost in my head. Am I overthinking all of this? Am I supposed to spend my day being an overachiever because I received great news? Who makes these rules and why am I so worried about following them?
I don’t know who I am or what I want. I never had a passion to follow in my life that I recall. Maybe health and fitness. I saw the trend 15 years ago but didn’t follow my heart because I didn’t see the immediate financial rewards. Today, the industry is so crowded and I’m even more concerned about money and material things. How can I waste my life never chasing passion? Fuck, I want to scream.
The heat from the sauna is starting to bother me. The sweat dripping off my forehead onto my screen is making typing difficult. I want to say fuck it. Here’s my 200 words. I’m done for the day. You happy brain.