Can We Share a Port-o-Potty?


I’ve been known to ruin New Years Eve for my best friend.  Two years in a row I completely trainwrecked his night as a matter of fact.  One year I was so drunk he had to drag me from the party and through the streets of Philadelphia to our hotel room.  As people passed us on the streets I wished herpes on them as I mumbled other derogatory phrases.

He carried me to our hotel room, put me in bed and went back to the party.  When the rest of my friends returned to the hotel later that night the stench emanating from the room hit them like a truck.  I had thrown up all over the ground and inside of one of my friends brand new pair of shoes.  The picture he posted of his shoes on Myspace became something of legend among my friends.  I wish I still had it.

The room was ruined.  No one could bear the stench.  Except for the guy who’s shoes I threw up in, he braved the night in the disgusting room.  Luckily for the rest of us, one of my friends was sober and drove us home.

The next morning I woke up on my friend’s floor.  I was miserably hung over and smelled terrible.  I wasn’t sure what the smell was until I went to the bathroom.  I had shit myself.  Not a lot, but more than a shart.

But that’s not the night I want to discuss.  That was a drop in the bucket compared to the previous year.  This also took place in Philadelphia.  A group of us went to a to bar with an all-you-can-drink special.  Needless to say I got horrendously drunk and made poor choices.

The bar had port-o-potty’s set up outside for men.  All of the bathrooms inside were only available for women that night.  The overflow of women waiting for a bathroom spilled outside to the port-o-potty’s.

Towards the end of the night I was in line waiting to take a piss.  A rather plump girl was ahead of me.  We made small talk for a couple of minutes.  When it was her turn to enter the port-o-potty she turned and kissed me.   (more…)

Assessing Appropriate Value

The word 'Worth' highlighted in green, under the heading 'Value'

Gauging by many of the investments in my portfolio, Assessing value isn’t my strong point.  The same holds true for the emphasis I place on my relationships.   The most important non-renewable resource I know of is time .  I understand it’s limited and finite, yet I squander it frequently.

I don’t “charge” people enough for my time.  When I say charge I’m not only talking about money; I also mean the currency of loyalty, reciprocity, respect and dependability.  I don’t value my own time enough so how can I expect others to value it in a manner I see fit.

The sad fact is there are several people who try hard to be involved with my life.  They communicate with me and try unrelentingly to be close with me.  Many of those same people receive the least of my time and effort.  Especially when it comes to women.  I love chasing after women and fighting for their attention and affection.  Tupac may have been onto something when he said “Hate to sound sleazy, but tease me, I don‘t want it if it’s that easy.”

In my professional life I’m learning to discern between the activities that are worthy of my time vs. wastes of my time.  In the past, I would kill myself, without hesitation, to perform menial tasks without taking into account the limited return on time invested.  I felt it needed to be done right away and if I didn’t do it no one would.  This isn’t the case.  I can’t be lazy and put things off for no good reason, but not everything requires my attention at that moment.

In partnership and salary negotiations I came in meek and got taken.  I was a partner in a night club several years back.  I was 26 when I first invested.  I didn’t understand the way these negotiations worked.

I allowed the partners who were raising capital to value my points without contest.  They told me what they wanted to charge and I wasn’t comfortable enough in valuing my resources that I agreed.  I never went back with a counter offer. Hell, I almost allowed them to raise the original valuation and charge me more for no other reason than they hadn’t budgeted the build out costs correctly. (more…)

Doctors Orders – It’s Got To Go


The background turned dark and grainy as the doctor gazed at me with a maniacal smile and screamed, “the liver has to go!” I may be embellishing this story a little, or whole lot, but that’s how it felt.

I popped a Xanax and begrudgingly had my semiannual MRI of my abdomen.  Im claustropobic and the MRI machine nearly causes me to have a panic attack.  I’ve gone through this process every six months since they found my liver adenomas two years ago.

My doctor’s preliminary diagnosis was everything looked fine.  The lesions appeared to be the same size or had shrank slightly.  All was well in my world for the next six months.  I said goodbye and went about my day.

The next morning my doctor called with a different story.  The adenoma on my right lobe had grown.  I would need to have another biopsy.  An hour later his secretary called informing me I needed to come in first thing the next morning to talk with the doctor.  Things seemed to be progressing quickly for the worse.

At my appointment I was told the Adenoma on the right lobe of my liver had grown in size and started to become amorphic.   There was concerns the lesion could be bleeding into itself.  Or worse, it could be turning cancerous, as that is a possibility.

I knew where this conversation was heading.  His recommendation was to surgically remove the adenoma.  The issue is I have two and due to the size and location of each, he will most likely only be able to remove the one on the right lobe.

The adenoma he will be removing is over 6 cm in circumference.  About the size of an orange.  The adenoma on my left lobe was smaller, but near two major veins.  He was afraid if they tried to remove both they wont’t be able to leave me with enough liver functionality.  I wasn’t thrilled to hear he wont’t be taking both at the same time, but that’s life.

I agreed to the surgery and he explained the recovery process.  I will be in the hospital 3-5 days, then out of work for an additional 2-4 weeks.  Because of the large incision he needed to make in my abdomen I’m supposed to be out of the gym for three months.

That’s when the panic set in and my mind started future tripping.   (more…)

Do Numbers Matter?


I used to keep a list of all the girls I slept with.  I cherished my list.  It was kept tucked away in a safe spot for my eyes only.  It was comprised of mostly first names, nicknames or the location we had sex.  Very few full names appeared on the list.  I rarely knew the person long enough to find out her last name.  Or I didn’t care enough to ask, one of the two.

When I was 27 I moved in with my girlfriend and destroyed the list.  It was the first time I had ever lived with someone I dated and getting rid of it seemed appropriate.  I won’t get into how many names were on the list, but it was enough to make most people judge me.

Keeping a list was incredibly immature.  It’s how I kept tally of how “manly” I was.  I would joke and brag about it to my friends.  It was essentially my way of having a dick measuring contest, without the embarrassment of having to measure my dick.

To this day, I find myself counting the number of girls I slept with in a given time frame.  I keep a mental list and use it to validate myself that I still have “it.”  Whatever “it” is.

After my break up all I wanted to do what get laid to prove that I still could.  I needed to show the world I was back and I was desirable.  Women wanted to sleep with me God damn it!  It felt like a right of passage as a man.

In February I broke out of my brooding slump and found myself attracting women pretty easily.  I got on a roll and was knocking them down one after the other.  I was on a heater!  It was as if my penis was struck by lightning and women could feel the electricity.  That’s probably a bad analogy, but my dating and sex life were on a meteoric rise. (more…)

Episode 2: Get Wet At GITMO

Have you ever thought about smashing your way through Amsterdam your very first night in Europe?  Does water-boarding sound kind of rad to you? Then this is your show.  Special guest Natrebo of joins KRS for another episode of Why The Hell Podcast.

This is the companion audio to Chris’s blog post: 1 Night in Amsterdam + 1 Cialis

Twitter: @WhyTheHellBlog


Visit our Shop!  Buy our t-shirts designed and inspired by this podcast at


This episode sponsored by, use promo code WTH at checkout for Free Shipping and 10% off your order.  You can also support the show by clicking through our link when shopping.

Mike Got it Right


“It’s just a simple question of humility. If you’re not humble, life will visit humbleness upon you. I’m a really damaged human being, and it’s still such a struggle, but I’m going to fight to the end this time.” – Mike Tyson

When you think of Mike Tyson, eloquently composed quotes about life aren’t the first thing that come to mind.  But Mike summed it up perfectly in a manner I relate to wholeheartedly.  Maybe because I’m such a damaged person as well.

When I decide I’m the captain of the ship and I don’t need to do the little things to keep myself humble and on the right path, life has a way of right sizing me.  I preach the importance of gratitude in my life.  For the last two months my words and my actions haven’t been congruent.  I started to take my blessings for granted.

I struggle to hit my knees and pray.  I bullshit the process and go through the motions.  My words and thoughts aren’t genuine and don’t come from the heart.  For me, prayer show thanks and gratitude for my life; acknowledging there is a force greater than myself out there.  I pray on my knees as a sign of humbleness and humility.

I focus on the past and future instead of enjoying today.  I look at the obstacles in my life and don’t see progress being made to overcome them.  I want everything to play out in my time frame and on my terms.  That’s not how my life works. 

I’m partying too much, not getting enough sleep and getting sidetracked being hungover.  My social life is important to me.  I need to have fun. If I don’t I become very boring and judgmental of myself and others quickly.  I turn reclusive and I miss out on the people, places and experiences that make my life enjoyable. (more…)

You Gonna Put That Up Your Nose?


The sun rise was beautiful upon the horizon.  Birds were chirping as a new day was beginning.  I stumbled out of a shitty apartment with a runny nose, cursing my life.  Hoping I would get home safely and finally get to sleep.  I repeated this routine weekly for the better part of two decades.

There’s not much worse in this world than the long nights, that stretch into the wee hours of the next morning, doing coke with a bunch of other idiots.  Sitting in someones kitchen staring at each other, waiting for someone to cut out the next line.

Over a 17 year period I did enough coke to kill Charlie Sheen.   The thing is, I’m not sure why I used so much for so long.  I hated the drug. I can’t even remember a time that I said, “Wow I’m glad I did coke, it made my night so much better.”

There’s very little worse than doing  coke.  What are the benefits?  My nose ran constantly, it ensured my dick wouldn’t work, I talked too much and I became even more twitchy.  Where do I sign up?

The worst parts of doing coke is the people you end up associating with. Cocaine will cause you to surround yourself with the shittiest degenerates imaginable.   Most of the people I did coke with were by default; they were the only ones around at 4 AM.  The sad truth is, eventually you become one of those shitty people.  I know I certainly became one rather quickly.

Coming in as the second most terrible thing about doing coke, the coked up conversation.  My God they are the worst.  I have had people ramble on for hours to me on topics like golf spikes and banking.  I can’t think of any worse torture than this.  The government should try this on it’s prisoners at GITMO.  I think they would crack after an hour. (more…)

Be Careful What You Let Into Your Mind


I’m wearing my tinfoil hat as I write this post.  You may want to break out yours too.

Over the last six weeks my mindset has changed greatly.  I believe in the Law of Attraction.  What you think about you bring about.  I’ve focused on fear and negativity, which caused me to make poor decisions repeatedly.  Everything I touched turned to shit.  Even my dog has been keeping her distance from me.

My insecurities are overflowing and spilling out into all areas of my world.  The universe is taking from me.  I want to quit, cash in my chips, get a job with a steady paycheck and give up on my dreams.

I’m afraid.  Afraid I will fail and go broke, never reaching my goals.  Essentially, turning into my father.  That’s the scariest thought of all.

My OCD kicks in like crazy at times like this.  I want to sit around and obsess over everything that has gone wrong.  painstakingly revisit every mistake I made and allow my inner dialogue to tell me what I should have done.  It’s like having a wound I need to keep touching to make sure it still hurts.

I haven’t been taking care of myself and doing the things I love.  When I write I feel like I ‘m complaining about my problems.  Everyone has enough of their own problems, no one needs to read about mine.

I look back at what changed over the last six weeks and one thing stands out screaming right in my face.  My ex girlfriend and I started talking and seeing each other again.  Since we started to speaking the following transpired:

  1. My dog broke her femur and had major reconstructive surgery to repair her leg.  The surgery cost over $6,000.  Thankfully shes healing up great.
  2. My dog had to have a mast cell tumor removed
  3. I’ve let myself go physically.  I haven’t been eating or exercising properly.  Some of this is related to health issues
  4. I’ve lost $25k (on paper) in the stock market.
  5. I have developed some sort of Autoimmune disease.  I find out more this week.
  6. I found out last week I need a rather invasive surgery to remove a tumor from my liver.


What’s Attractive?


Have you ever looked at a couple and wondered, “do they really find each other attractive?”  It seems like a judgmental, shallow and pretentious thought, but it goes through my mind constantly.

I saw a couple in the gym today that I found incredibly unattractive.  He’s a bit goofy, wears bad glasses and has a hair cut and facial hair from the 80’s.  He’s in decent shape though.  She is the real life equivalent of broomhilda.   She has stick legs and a protruding gut, which makes it hard to discern where the gut stops and the boobs start.  her stringy brown hair accentuates her bumpy, hook nose.  She appears to be 8-15 years older than him if I had to guess.  Although she may just appear older because of how haggard she looks.

I wonder how they met.  Did someone match them up together?  How does that conversation go?  “Look I have this person you need to meet you will love him/her.”  What does that say about that persons perception of these two?  Am I just an asshole for thinking about all this?

I watch this couple work out together in the gym at least once a week.  Occasionally I talk to the boyfriend.  He’s a super nice guy.  Work’s at a grocery store and likes to compete in powerlifting events.  If these two make each other happy, I’m happy for them. I’m just curious about the attraction.

When they look at each other do they see beauty or do they see companionship?  Is there a physical attraction or are they settling in order to have a partner to share their time with.  I have friends who I know for a fact wanted to get married and have a family so badly they settled for someone when they could have done better.  They were tired of being single and didn’t want to play the dating game anymore.  It’s not a new or rare story. (more…)

My Apple Angel


Having to step foot into an Apple Store ranks somewhere between going to the dentist and the DMV.  I have a general disdain for the whole Apple culture, even though I’m an iPhone user since their inception.  I have experienced nothing but problems with all my Apple products.  I want to buy a new Samsung Galaxy, but I’m too lazy and set in my way to learn a new device.  It’s a horrible reason not to switch; I obviously have difficulty moving on from bad relationships.

My usual store experience entails waiting forever to be seen and having a crunchy looking hipster talk to me in a condescending manner because I’m not as tech savvy as I should be.  Either that or they sense I’m angry because I hate their shitty products and their annoying cult following. I hear their chants, “Apple does no wrong!”  That’s why they used suppliers in China whose work environments were so dreadful people were throwing themselves off the roof.   I may be taking this a bit far, but you get my point, I’m not a fan of Apple or their products.

But today was the day the Apple Gods were on my side.  Yes I was waited on by three hipsters, however, they seemed compassionate towards my plight.  Then as fate had it, I met my Apple Angel.  She was short, tattooed, wore glasses, and rotund.

The touchscreen on my phone stopped working after I upgraded to iOS 8.4.  The original prognosis was to replace my display.   As I delved further into my iPhone 6 issues my angel’s demeanor changed.  My apps don’t work properly, no one can hear me unless I’m on speakerphone, and the phone is constantly resetting.  She seemed genuinely concerned as she scurried off to talk to a manager.

On her return she told me it was most likely a software bug causing my phone’s issues.  To rectify the situation they were replacing my phone with a new (most likely refurbished actually) iPhone 6.  Five minutes later she brought me my new phone and I was on my way out of the store a happy man.  Before I left I sang her praises and told her this had been a magical experience.

The store is located in an uppity, rich, white neighborhood where people enjoy bitching and complaining about trivial aspects of life.  Possibly because the rest of their live’s are too easy.  I watched soccer mom after soccer mom walk in, with their huge diamond rings and Louis Vuitton bags, barking orders at the associates as they tried to help.  Perhaps that’s why I received such hospitable treatment today.  I wasn’t being such an obnoxious, entitled asshole, or at least in comparison to the other customers.

As I left the Apple store with a smile on my face I made sure to pay extra close attention to my driving.  The people and the police in that area don’t take kindly to white trash looking gentlemen like myself.  The profiling can occur rather quickly.  Fortunately, I made it out unscathed with my new phone in hand.