You cocksucking piece of shit platform.  I save a draft and you tell me “the action can’t be performed at this time.”  I lost everything I wrote over the last two hours.  Why do I constantly have to save my work in a word document to ensure I don’t lose everything I wrote when I click save? You’re a piece of shit Matt Mullwenberg, choke on a bullet.

I can hardly think straight while writing this post.  My anger and anxiety coupled with the fact I’m incredibly tired makes this all the more uncomfortable.  I want my post back.  I want to be able to re-read it, edit it and post it as I had originally intended.  I don’t want to write it all over again.

I feel like I will explode thinking about this.  The thought of trying to remember what I wrote in order to rewrite the post makes me uncomfortable to the point that I want to shout and cry.  I want to break my computer, tell everyone how unfair it is, disparage WordPress and go to sleep.  I feel drunk with rage.  FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

I’ve been pissed about losing my work for hours now.  I’ve spent more time pining over losing the post and looking for ways to recover what I lost than I have trying to write a new post.  My post was well written and powerful; something people should read.  Possibly a literary masterpiece.  Well maybe not quite that good.

That’s the problem with life.  Its easier to brood and complain about what happened than it is to change it.  Taking action and making changes takes conscious effort.

My life parallels this episode.  I fight accepting what’s happened in my life.  I try to reclaim what I feel I lost:  Relationships, businesses, my identity, my size.  The list goes on ad nauseam.

I’m nostalgic.  I love going into my past.  I look for anyway possible to get back what I’ve lost instead of putting in the effort to start something new and moving forward.  Even when I know there is something better for me out there.  I’m like a child who needs to keep all of his toys, including the ones he no longer plays with.

I backtrack and try to reclaim old relationships.  I look for ways to rekindle a spark when we have proven we can’t coexist numerous times.  We can’t be happy because life throws a curve ball into our plans and we never quite recover.  We don’t put the time and effort necessary to be a happy, healthy couple.  We never work through our wreckage and heal the wounds of the past.  We only rush back into each others arms in order to quell the pain of loneliness and the of being alone.

I debate going back on steroids all the time.  I walked on the boardwalk today and looked around thinking about the looks I used to get when I was more muscular.  People would stare and make comments to me about how I looked.  Someone would always make the obnoxious comment, which they thought was hilarious, “You need to workout more pal.”  I used to complain how I hated the attention.  But obviously I didn’t hate it that much If I’m missing it today.  Regardless of the issues steroids have caused in my life I still want to use them again.

My past business venture was very lucrative.  It allowed to me have an inordinate amount of free time to spend however I chose .  I was able to travel, buy anything I wanted without thinking and I never had to work very hard.  I also had many sleepless nights, visits from various three-letter authorities and had to lie to most people about my career.  Still, I miss those days and often consider going back into that business.  I have to work hard now to make in a year what I used to make in 2-3 months.  But I no longer have to worry about going to jail.  So there are obvious trade-offs.

So why do I stray from my present and do whatever I can to get back what was lost?  Fear, comfort and laziness are the main reasons.  I’d rather deal with The evil I know versus the evil I don’t know.  It takes a lot of time and hard work to create something new.  I’m impatient and want my life to be how I remember it.  Quite often I don’t have an accurate recollection and romanticizing my past.

You can’t always recover what you’ve lost.  Sometimes you need to make a decision whether to dwell over what no longer exists or make something new.  Life is constantly changing and having to rebuild and recreate is a big part of it.   Starting from scratch is overwhelming and seems impossible at times.  However, it’s a necessity in life.  Take what you have learned, let go of the past, move on and start new.