Grandiosity may be the single biggest threat to my life. So many of the problems I have create for myself are rooted in grandiosity. It’s a character defect which has decimated my relationships, my health and my finances. Grandiosity is a little voice inside of me that tells me I am above other people and the outcome of my actions will always work out, for the simple fact that I am me. Any factual data or empirical evidence that has proven me wrong in the past is overlooked and I ride blindly on my impulses, because this time will be different.
Grandiosity is like gambling. My adrenaline pumps. My head is filled with visions of success. I know the house always wins in the end, but I put my chips up anyway. Only to watch them dwindle down to nothing in front of my eyes. I live for the rush and dread the crash.
My issues with addiction are in large part part stem from grandiosity. I struggle with an overblown sense of invincibility because I’m certain the rules don’t apply to me. I’ve told myself thousands of times I can use certain drugs without any consequences. I play out these bullshit fantasies in my head where I I’m on top of the world, until I come down. Then reality sets in, along with disappointment, guilt and shame.
I never realized or understood how many of my actions were driven by grandiosity. I dominate conversations. I can’t wait for people to stop talking so I can talk about my favorite subject, me. I fantasize about saving people and harming those who I feel have done wrong. I try to bully others into doing what I want, regardless of how they feel, because I am the center of the universe and the my needs are more important.
So often I thought I was being selfless and helping others. In reality, I was trying to control them by pushing my beliefs and values upon them. In my mind, if others listened to me and blindly followed my instructions, everyone’s life would get much better because I know what is best for them. When in fact, my need to control others comes from not being in control of myself. How I can I drastically change someone else’s life for the better when I struggle to do it in my own life?
I was convinced I could drastically change peoples live’s in positive way. They would find happiness beyond belief and receive everything they dreamed of, all because of me. I saved them. I was their hero, their shining light. It was all about me and no one else. (more…)