On Grandiosity


Grandiosity may be the single biggest threat to my life. So many of the problems I have create for myself are rooted in grandiosity.  It’s a character defect which has decimated my relationships, my health and my finances.  Grandiosity is a little voice inside of me that tells me I am above other people and the outcome of my actions will always work out, for the simple fact that I am me.  Any factual data or empirical evidence that has proven me wrong in the past is overlooked and I ride blindly on my impulses, because this time will be different.

Grandiosity is like gambling.  My adrenaline pumps.  My head is filled with visions of success.  I know the house always wins in the end, but I put my chips up anyway.  Only to watch them dwindle down to nothing in front of my eyes.  I live for the rush and dread the crash.

My issues with addiction are in large part part stem from grandiosity.  I struggle with an overblown sense of invincibility because I’m certain the rules don’t apply to me.   I’ve told myself thousands of times I can use certain drugs without any consequences.  I play out these bullshit fantasies in my head where I I’m on top of the world, until I come down. Then reality sets in, along with disappointment, guilt and shame.

I never realized or understood how many of my actions were driven by grandiosity.  I dominate conversations.  I can’t wait for people to stop talking so I can talk about my favorite subject, me.  I fantasize about saving people and harming those who I feel have done wrong.  I try to bully others into doing what I want, regardless of how they feel, because I am the center of the universe and the my needs are more important.

So often I thought I was being selfless and helping others.  In reality, I was trying to control them by pushing my beliefs and values upon them.  In my mind, if others listened to me and blindly followed my instructions, everyone’s life would get much better because I know what is best for them.  When in fact, my need to control others comes from not being in control of myself.   How I can I drastically change someone else’s life for the better when I struggle to do it in my own life?

I was convinced I could drastically change peoples live’s in positive way.  They would find happiness beyond belief and receive everything they dreamed of, all because of me.  I saved them. I was their hero, their shining light.  It was all about me and no one else. (more…)

Turn Down the Noise


My natural instinct is to distrust everyone.  If you give me a compliment, I think you’re lying and want something from me.  If a girl sends me a picture, I ask who else she sent them too.  If you pitch me a business deal, more than likely I assume you want to rip me off.

I find myself becoming insecure over the littlest things lately.  Everyone is out to get me.  My business partners want to screw me, friends are lying to me, women are holding things back from me.  It’s an insane amount of paranoia.  I haven’t been this far off the mark in a long time.  It’s addict behavior at it’s finest.

My mind is going a million miles a minute trying to figure out every angle every person is playing.  I waste more time in a day playing out these insane, nightmare scenarios in my head than I spend on making my life better.

I want instant gratification.  If I don’t get immediate results something must be wrong.  I want to control everything and everyone.  My thoughts are racing and I can’t find peace.

That’s when I know it’s time to take a step back and slow down.  I can’t  have any serenity when I can’t be in control of my thoughts and actions.  I needed to write this post as a reminder of how to get myself grounded again.

There are only a few ways I know how to silence my evil master (my mind). (more…)

And Shes Back


 Fucking your ex can be great.  But it’s like scratching your asshole.  Even though you know it’s going to feel good to get in there, eventually you’ll end up with shit on if you keep doing it.

I let a good one go.  She had a great career, great body, very driven and the sex was pretty good.  We spent several days a week together for a couple months.  I told her I liked her, which I did.  I broke my biggest dating rule by letting her sleep over.  I even asked her to stay over on more than one occasion.

The downside, she had a big head shaped kind of like Quagmire’s from Family Guy.  I have a big head; two big heads don’t go well together.  If we had a baby, the poor child would need a neck brace to keep his head from dragging behind him.

When she blew me I could feel her teeth.  She was very uptight when it came to butt stuff.  She was 27 and drove a new Subaru Forestor.  Who hell buys a new Subaru Forestor under the age of 40, who’s not a lesbian?  Overall I found her to be pretty fucking boring.

We both agreed neither of us wanted to be in a relationship.  After two months of dating, I could feel she wanted more.  I admit I may have acted in a manner that could give a girl the wrong impression.  Treating her well and letting her stay over was misleading.  But I’m a nice guy, I like making people feel good.

I never flip flopped when we spoke.  I repeatedly said I didn’t want a relationship and what we did when we weren’t together wasn’t was our own business.  Then one night she started breaking my balls and insulting me because I went to a strip club.  She apologized the next day, but the damage was done.  The relationship went down in flames and she left with hard feelings.

Then my ex floats back into my life and I allow it.  It started off causally with a couple of messages back and forth.  Within a week I had pictures of her naked and close ups of her pussy. Yes, I asked for them, so I can’t blame it all on her.  Now we talk every day.

A couple months ago I told her I no longer wanted to hook up with her, I only wanted to be friends.  She didn’t like that.  She’s used to getting her way with me.  When I stop paying attention to her she chases me.

At first, I stood my ground and stuck to my words.   That didn’t very last long.  Then I started giving her the attention she wanted, which bores her and makes her run away.  It’s a very healthy relationship.

This cycle has repeated itself so many times I can almost predict the exact timeline of how the situation will unfold.  Things will be fun, we will get together and have some great sex for a week or two.  Then something will happen, like her sleeping with someone else.  We will argue, I will spin out and we will stop talking for a couple weeks.  Then repeat.

I love her and her son.  I know this will end poorly, but I keep pushing forward and tempting fate.   I’m weak and stupid when it comes to them.  I deserve whatever I get.