Pitfalls

It’s so obvious from the outside to see everything falling apart. I pick up on every little detail that will ultimately lead to someone’s demise when I stand back and take it all in.  That’s the easy part.  The hard part is recognizing those character flaws and ominous events in your own life leading to your world collapsing around you.

This weekend, I was watching the movie Legend, with Tom Hardy.  I’m fascinated with British gangster flix.  Every time I watch these movies, all I can think is I was born in the wrong era.  I’m stroking my own ego with these thoughts, but I was always a savvy and resourceful criminal.

I admire the characters meteoric rise to power, then loath the inevitable crash.  I can pinpoint when the characters are going to slip up before it ever happens.  I get emotionally involved and incredibly sad when I realize their fate.  I’ve literally cried at the end of Carlito’s Way, RIP Charlie.  For once I want to see the bad guy make it out unscathed and live a normal life.  I guess it’s wishful thinking for my life and I want some visual evidence to prove it really can happen.

It’s usually the same old story over and over when powerful people lose it all.  Ego and pride are the two main suspects which lead to their downfall.  They think of themselves as bigger than they are, untouchable. I’ve been there before and life certainly has humbled me. Thankfully not to the extent of my demise, I’ve been lucky in that regard.

All these pitfalls seem so obvious and avoidable from the outside.  If they had quit while they were ahead or made a compromise to keep from going to war, everything could have worked out.  But in my own life I often don’t recognize what’s going on until it’s too late and turning back doesn’t feel like an option.  Once I’ve lost control I tend to destroy whatever is good in my life before I regain my composure.

Some days I feel like a slave to my character flaws.  They keep me confined to a life of having to second guess everything I do.  I fear if I don’t, they will run wild and ruin me.  I’m a damaged person.  The only way I can keep my issues at bay is to constantly check myself on a daily basis, otherwise, I’m fucked.

Everyday I have to ground myself with gratitude and humbleness, which is really difficult for someone like me.  Most days I want to be an egocentric asshole and live in a fantasy world where I’m special and great. (more…)