I lost it all. At least that’s how I felt. No more steady high dollar income, no more life of crime, no more single life and no more steroids.
My life changed drastically 4 years ago. Some of the changes were voluntary, while others were forced upon me. Instead of appreciating what I would gain in my new life, I could only focus on what I no longer had.
My ex-girlfriend and I were moving in together to start a life as a family with her son. He was 3 at the time and I wasn’t going to allow him to be raised around a man who was selling drugs. He deserved better than that. So I quit my lucrative profession of choice for the last 20 years and I had no idea what I was going to do.
Luckily, I had saved up a nice nest egg to make sure we would be well taken care of for a couple years. However, I totally lost perspective of that. All I could think about was what in the hell was I going to do now.
I was lost and I certainly didn’t have the work ethic to go work for someone else. My ego told me that was beneath me. I was an entrepreneur, so I had to figure out a way to be my own boss. It’s amazing what ego and arrogance can lead you to believe.
I was forced to give up using steroids because a scan found pool ball sized tumors on my liver. The doctors told me they were liver adenomas from using steroids and I had to quit using immediately. Two years later I found out they were cancerous and had be removed, but that’s a story for another time.
I had been using steroids off and on for the last 10 years. The last 2-3 years I used them continuously. I was obsessed with how I looked and how “big” my muscles were. If I had to rank the importance in my life, it was in the top 3 things I cared about most.
Without steroids my muscles quickly diminished and my clothes no longer fit like they once did. I would put on a shirt I used to love and have a meltdown complaining about how it used to fit. I lost 15 pounds in a couple weeks. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror without clothes on. (more…)
I just had my 2 year check up and I’m cancer free! I graduated from scans and checks ups every 3 months to now every 6 months. It’s a great day and you would think I’d be the happiest man on the planet. I am happy, but at the same time don’t feel as grateful as I should.
My mind likes to play out horrible situations where the cancer comes back and I have to fight for my life. I don’t know how to accept peace into my life, only chaos. I don’t feel comfortable in a state of homeostasis. I understand chaos and pain. If I don’t have a crisis, I’m not sure how to act.
I’m lost in my head. Am I overthinking all of this? Am I supposed to spend my day being an overachiever because I received great news? Who makes these rules and why am I so worried about following them?
I don’t know who I am or what I want. I never had a passion to follow in my life that I recall. Maybe health and fitness. I saw the trend 15 years ago but didn’t follow my heart because I didn’t see the immediate financial rewards. Today, the industry is so crowded and I’m even more concerned about money and material things. How can I waste my life never chasing passion? Fuck, I want to scream.
The heat from the sauna is starting to bother me. The sweat dripping off my forehead onto my screen is making typing difficult. I want to say fuck it. Here’s my 200 words. I’m done for the day. You happy brain.
If you’re anything like me, you’re always scrambling to find time to write. I made a promise to myself I would write at least 200 words every day and see what happens. I don’t always have the luxury to clear my schedule and sit down for an hour during the day and write without distraction. So I had to get creative and use my “in-between time” to get my writing done. Here’s the 10 best time’s I’ve found to write.
- In the sauna – I try to use the 10-15 minutes I spend in the sauna post workout to get some writing. There’s some occupational hazards like your sweat falling on your jumbling up your words or your phone occasionally overheating. But I have found a lot of good ideas come out when I am extremely hot and uncomfortable. I’m actually sitting in the sauna writing this now.
- On the toilet – This is an obvious choice. You’re going to be sitting there for a few minutes with your phone, why not write rather than scrolling through Instagram.
- At the end of your workday – I’m usually the last one at my office, so it’s quiet and there are no distractions. I’m still in work-mode and haven’t been beaten down by the traffic on my commute. This is also a good time for editing for me.
- Bedtime – When I crawl into bed at night I always have thoughts racing through my head. Some are constructive, others are my insane ruminations. Either way, writing helps me get to sleep by capturing those thoughts and emptying my mind. I make sure to keep my phone near my bed so I can write down any ideas I get at night, because I know I will never remember them in the morning.
- Stuck in traffic – I don’t necessarily recommend this on for everyone, because it could be dangerous and illegal. But I’ve been stuck in standstill traffic for 10-15 minutes and whipped out my phone and wrote. I hate wasting time doing nothing.
- In between chapters while reading – I always get a ton of ideas while reading. I jot them down and when I finish a chapter I try to make something out of my notes. I use it as a reward for each chapter I read, because there’s times when I would much rather write than read.
- First thing In the morning – Get those ideas out early and on paper. Either while you’re still laying in bed or as part of your morning routine. This is a very effective way deal with any anxiety you may be feeling about the day or you could use it to map out your daily goals. Get it in front of you and see it for what it is.
- While at the dog park – It’s a little antisocial and I don’t want to neglect my dog, but on days she’s really into playing with other dogs, it gives me some time to get writing in. When the weather is beautiful, it’s especially nice to be writing outside, taking in all that sunshine.
- In between sets at the gym – I get 60-100 seconds between sets. Normally I would be texting, checking SnapChat or a dating app. Instead, this gives me a time crunch to create something. Sometimes a deadline can help get your ideas flowing. Also, its a reprieve from thinking about the physical stress your body is under and movement stirs up your ideas.
- While waiting – We all have empty spaces in our life, like at the barbershop, the DMV or before a meeting. How often do you waste that time on social media or sitting there doing nothing? Why not use that time to write? It helps control your feelings and emotions before a big meeting, like I’m about to have. I write about my anxiety and fears regarding the meeting and how I may react. It’s a great prophylactic against blowing your stack. I need that in my life.