Junk Food For Your Brain

August 6th, 2017

I can’t sleep, my concentration sucks and my balls hurt.  I’m closing out the first week of an experiment – masturbating only once per week and no porn.

I’ve gone a week without masturbating before and it wasn’t an issue.  However, it wasn’t a goal I set out to accomplish.  Since this was a conscious choice and an experiment, my mind wants to create conflict.  It’s the pleasure principle, seek out pleasure while avoiding discomfort and pain.

I decided to try this experiment because I struggle with intimacy and sex.  I don’t feel a connection with my partners.  I’m desensitized from years of causal sex with multiple partners, porn and masturbation.

I place very little value on sex, so it no longer feels exciting and special.   It feels commonplace and mundane, like folding laundry.  But it strokes my ego and makes me feel like a man, a conqueror.

Sex seems like a great idea during the pursuit, but when the physical act occurs, I’m in my head thinking about everything else but sex.  I’m hoping whoever “she” is this time, will leave immediately afterwards so I can be alone.

It hasn’t always felt this way.  There have been certain people I genuinely loved and felt a deep connection with them.  That’s when sex is magical and feels wonderfully intense on more than a physical level.  It’s been quite some time since I felt that, but I’m getting off track.

I’m hoping by learning to control my sexual urges, like masturbation, I can create a renewed sense of excitement around sex.  I believe if I can make sexual relief a scarce resource,  it will feel more valuable to me.  This is my attempt to rewire my brain sexually in order to develop a deep appreciate and connection.

Since I started this experiment I have not been able to sleep well.  When I finally fall asleep, I wake up every two hours and struggle to fall back asleep.  I’m averaging maybe 4 hours of sleep a night.  It’s effecting my physical appearance and energy.  I’m very tired but my mind won’t let me sleep. I’m on edge.

When I lay down in bed and close my eyes, my OCD kicks in with sexual fantasies, which are very difficult to stop.  The fantasies are exciting and feel good to think about.  But they are still ruminations and that’s a problem.  I feel like a junkie needing his fix, obsessing over his drug of choice.

Physically, I’ve noticed an increase in lower belly fat and an overall softer appearance to my body.  My physical strength in the gym has decreased and I struggle to finish my workouts.  Increased cortisol from lack of sleep could be the cause.

As I’m writing this all I can think about is how bad I want to masturbate so I can feel better.  I can’t believe how difficult this has been.  I’m jammed up mentally and physically.  I’ve blue balled myself, I didn’t realize that was possible.

All of these symptoms could be totally psychosomatic.  My urges to masturbate are now driven by my belief that as soon as I do, my body will return to homeostasis. My balls won’t hurt, I’ll be able to sleep, my physical strength and appearance will come back and my mental clarity will return.

The positive side effects of this experiment have come in the form of increased output and productivity.  Even though I’ve been exhausted from lack of sleep, I’ve started accomplishing more during my day.  I’ve gotten back to writing daily, reading, learning and applying more.  I’m more focused at work and my sales have increased.

I often use masturbation to fill time or to procrastinate.  Instead of masturbating I’ve been choosing to fill my time with habits and hobbies that better my life.  It’s not that something as wonderful as masturbation can detract from those things, but I’m forced to keep busy to avoid thinking about how badly I want to masturbate.

I believe this experiment is building will power and coping mechanisms to some extent, by training me to control my urges and not allowing them to dictate my actions.  I can recognize what I’m feeling, accept it, but not allow it to hijack my day. Being more in control of myself is a long term goal of mine.

As for the reason I started this experiment, to be more connected on an intimate level with another person, I’m unsure about the effects.  I haven’t slept with anyone this week.  I doubt a week would have any change other than simply making me hornier. I have found myself being more attentive to a woman in my life on an emotional level when we talk.  I’m not certain if it’s because her and I haven’t seen each other in many months and I want to get laid, or if I’m making a real attempt to change and connect. I’m hoping it’s the latter.

I understand this is a very short sample period and I could be confusing causation and correlation.  However, I can see benefits in the short term.  Maybe this is a case of defining a character flaw of mine and seeking out a way to correct it.  The experiment could be a catalyst to a deeper understanding of my actions and an agent for change.  Or maybe I’m a crazy person for thinking that not jerking off for a week is a life changing experiment.  Either is plausible I suppose.

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