You Little Blue Bastard

Sleeping on a plane is almost impossible.  Every Time I fall asleep, I wake up with horrible pain in my neck and back from being contorted in a very unnatural way for a man my size.

Currently, I’ve been on this plane to Salt Lake City for 3 hours and 45 minutes.  I took two Xanax as soon as the plane lifted up.  Fifteen minutes later I could feel myself slowing down and getting sleepy.  The prospect of sleeping for most of the plan ride made me extremely happy. I barely slept the night before and I was hoping to be well rested by the time I reached Utah. That wouldn’t be the case.

I first tried falling asleep with my body and head resting against the window (I was in the window seat).  Every time I would nod out for a few minutes, I would wake up with drool running down my face, horrible pain in my neck and complete numbness in my hands.  But I kept trying this position as it seemed to be the most promising for me, as I’ve slept this way on planes before.

After waking up every 15-20 minutes using the window-torture position,  as I like to call it, I knew I had to try other alternatives.  There was no one sitting into middle seat of my row.  I tried using that to my advantage by swinging my feet over to floor in front of the middle seat.  I angled myself diagonally in my seat allowing me to lay in a reclined position. This felt like it would be a winning position for me.  I was sure I would be putting my Xanax to good use.  (more…)

And Shes Back

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 Fucking your ex can be great.  But it’s like scratching your asshole.  Even though you know it’s going to feel good to get in there, eventually you’ll end up with shit on if you keep doing it.

I let a good one go.  She had a great career, great body, very driven and the sex was pretty good.  We spent several days a week together for a couple months.  I told her I liked her, which I did.  I broke my biggest dating rule by letting her sleep over.  I even asked her to stay over on more than one occasion.

The downside, she had a big head shaped kind of like Quagmire’s from Family Guy.  I have a big head; two big heads don’t go well together.  If we had a baby, the poor child would need a neck brace to keep his head from dragging behind him.

When she blew me I could feel her teeth.  She was very uptight when it came to butt stuff.  She was 27 and drove a new Subaru Forestor.  Who hell buys a new Subaru Forestor under the age of 40, who’s not a lesbian?  Overall I found her to be pretty fucking boring.

We both agreed neither of us wanted to be in a relationship.  After two months of dating, I could feel she wanted more.  I admit I may have acted in a manner that could give a girl the wrong impression.  Treating her well and letting her stay over was misleading.  But I’m a nice guy, I like making people feel good.

I never flip flopped when we spoke.  I repeatedly said I didn’t want a relationship and what we did when we weren’t together wasn’t was our own business.  Then one night she started breaking my balls and insulting me because I went to a strip club.  She apologized the next day, but the damage was done.  The relationship went down in flames and she left with hard feelings.

Then my ex floats back into my life and I allow it.  It started off causally with a couple of messages back and forth.  Within a week I had pictures of her naked and close ups of her pussy. Yes, I asked for them, so I can’t blame it all on her.  Now we talk every day.

A couple months ago I told her I no longer wanted to hook up with her, I only wanted to be friends.  She didn’t like that.  She’s used to getting her way with me.  When I stop paying attention to her she chases me.

At first, I stood my ground and stuck to my words.   That didn’t very last long.  Then I started giving her the attention she wanted, which bores her and makes her run away.  It’s a very healthy relationship.

This cycle has repeated itself so many times I can almost predict the exact timeline of how the situation will unfold.  Things will be fun, we will get together and have some great sex for a week or two.  Then something will happen, like her sleeping with someone else.  We will argue, I will spin out and we will stop talking for a couple weeks.  Then repeat.

I love her and her son.  I know this will end poorly, but I keep pushing forward and tempting fate.   I’m weak and stupid when it comes to them.  I deserve whatever I get.

Tips From The Bong

OwOrr1J

I hate when people lie and say getting high doesn’t solve anything.  Well, OK in the long run, yes that is true.  However, sometimes getting high solves everything.

Take tonight for example.  After a long stressful day I couldn’t be more relaxed and refreshed.  I smoked, ate some eggs, sent some SnapChats and now I’m ready for bed.  Sounds pretty great doesn’t it?  Be jealous, it’s a wonderful life.

How To Lose $50K In a Few Short Months

stock fall

Step 1 – Start dabbling around in Gold ETF’s you have watched for the past 3 years

Step 2 – Have some beginners luck playing the odds.  Quickly turn your 30K investment into 75K in a matter of 3-4 months

Step 3 – Convince yourself you know what you are doing.  You have the market figured out.  Keep playing harder

Step 4 – Stop learning and reading.  Just assume you know what’s best and how the market will react.

Step 5 – Bet bigger and bigger with each stock purchase

Step 6 – As the price of your shares drop drastically, convince yourself it’s smart to cost average down.  There’s blood in the water, someone has to make money. Right?

Step 7 – Lie to yourself and wait for momentum to shift back your way.  Nothing bad has ever happened by waiting out a bad situation.

Step 8 – Don’t set stop losses.  Keep losing more money by the day.

Step 9 – When momentum does shift and you gain a substantial portion of your opening position back, be greedy and don’t sell.  You know you’re a winner!

Step 10 – Go through a reverse 10-1 split and finally sell your shares for a gigantic loss before the year ends so you don’t have to pay taxes on your previous gains.

Follow these 10 steps and you’re bound to produce the losing results I have.  Good luck!

What’s That Say About You?

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I’m not a solid dude. I’m that asshole on Tinder women like you (or how you used to be) seem to be looking for. Someone who’s self centered, self involved, damaged and unavailable. I’m not sure whats the appeal — maybe its the muscles, tattoos and the white-trash-handsome look. Either way it seems to work.

I guess it’s the same reason I chase all the wrong women. I like a challenge, I want to save someone and I’m a glutton for punishment.

My bio starts out with me trying to be funny.  But really it’s just me being obnoxious, “Charming handsome, well adjusted.” These are just a few adjectives used to describe me when I recently polled the women I dated. The other adjectives aren’t worth mentioning.” Yet some women find that cute and interesting.

I look like “that guy” in most of my tinder pics. Trying to sneak in as many shirtless pictures as possible. Occasionally I throw in a couple pics of me and my dog to show how loving and compassionate I am. Women seem to love my dog.

It’s a game we all play. Well at least those of us who want everything and everyone that’s wrong for us. Chasing what isn’t meant for me is one of my favorite pastimes. It usually always ends up in frustration, pain and tears, but most arrangements like that usually do. c’est la vie

This Isn’t The Notebook, Violating HIPPA Isn’t Charming

hipaa

I read an article tonight that used words like  manspread, mansplain and manterrupt.  I don’t have any clue what these newly made up terms mean. Candidly, I have zero interest.  Seems like more liberal buzzwords to condemn men’s actions.  That’s fine, but I can barely remember my address at times, I don’t need more dust in my filter mucking up my limited thought process.

I agree, we as men act inappropriately pretty often. Sometimes I’m embarrassed by what I see from other men.  Occasionally, I’m embarrassed by my actions.  However, there is a double standard when a women does something inappropriate towards a man.  I’ve had women come up to me and grab my arms, pull up my sleeves and my shirt to check out my tattoos without ever speaking to me or asking me.  It’s incredibly rude and annoying as hell.  But it’s excusable because a women did it.

That may not be the best example.  However, I have a funny story, which anecdotally proves my point.  I recently had cancer. I was at my pre-admissions testing prior to my last surgery.  I was polite as always with the people who work there.  One women talked to me about taking her son to see wrestling and some other topical conversation.  I left and went about my day.

Hours later I received this text:
Hippa

(more…)

When Did everyone Become Pussies – Stop Being So God Damn Offended

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I admit I laugh at racist, sexist, homophobic and religious jokes.  I’ll be the one who’s honest and gets called an asshole and a bigot.  That’s OK.  I think much of it is hysterical.  I wish they had better racist jokes about white people.  At times I feel left out.  But if I admit that, does it mean I’m admiring my white privilege? Or am I suffering from “white fragility”? I forget.

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This won’t be the most eloquent post I’ve ever written, that’s for sure.  But, Why is everyone so easily offended these days?  Why are people entitled to believe their point of view is always worthy of someone else’s respect and acknowledgement?  Someone probably took offense I used the words pussy and/or God.

No shit there’s racism and bigotry everywhere! It’s on every side of the spectrum; no group is left out or unscathed.  If you don’t believe that you’re either an idiot or a liar.  People of  every race, sex, creed and color get incredibly bent out of shape when someone, who usually doesn’t matter, says or does something they don’t agree with.  #Black:LivesMatter, #WhiteLivesMatter, #BlueLivesMatter, #AllLivesMater.  Apparently those hash tags are offensive to some.confused-man.

Everyone has their cause, which is great because we live in America and that’s part of freedom. Except when you jam your beliefs down others throat’s, infringing upon their freedom to think, act and fell as they choose.  Stop trying to force your beliefs on others.  More importantly, stop being professionally offended and thinking everything is about you. (more…)

The Legend of Hacksaw – Why Social Media Is Making You An Idiot

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Meet Jim Duggan, a.k.a “Hacksaw”,a true American Hero and defender of the American way. He strikes fear in the hearts of terrorists throughout the world. With the use of his famous 2×4 he has racked up 2 million unconfirmed kills, 4500 pant shitting’s, and a WCW World Television Championship.

Much like Hulk Hogan, he uses an old school approach to warfare. His leg drops alone have destroyed more terror cells than all the Allied Forces combined. From what I’ve read his resounding battle cry, “Hoooo!!!”, has been enough to force 1000’s of members of ISIS to take their own life’s before they face his wrath.

Hacksaw was born out of wedlock. His Mother, Superwoman, was swimming in Atlantic Ocean where she met her one true love, Jaws. They knew their love would never last, but they wanted to create something beautiful – a force to spread justice throughout the world. 9 months later Hacksaw kicked his way right out of his mothers womb, clotheslined his doctor, slapped on some tights and headed out to change the world.

This unsung hero holds the key to our national security. We are forever indebted to his actions. Next time you salute the flag, make sure Hacksaw is in your heart.

The moral of the story – get the FOH with all the nonsense you share and post on social media. Check the facts and stop believing if its on the internet it’s true. Be an individual, not a lemming. Don’t jump on the bandwagon and think for yourself. Never listen to what the media feeds you. And for the love of God, remember every time you hear a “HOOOO!!” a terrorist gets his horns as Hacksaw sends them to hell.

Sex, Self Respect and Hiding In A Bathroom

Bathtub Boy

I’ve slept with hundreds of women.  I don’t have any clue what the exact number is, but hundreds.  I’m not saying this now to brag or pretend I’m some “ladies man.”  However, I used to.  It was how I assessed my value as a man.  I wore that shit on my sleeve like a badge of honor.  I would tell anyone who would listen about my conquests to try in order to pump myself up.  I’ve talked about this before to an extent in my writing.

All of my friends loved my stories and I loved entertaining them.  I used to make jokes about all my “victims” as I called them.  I remember in college leaving the bar with a girl and my friends yelling, “just another victim.”  I thought it was hilarious.  I got laid and I got to demean the girl at the same time proving how Alpha I was, or so I thought.  Nothing could have been further from the truth

It was all bullshit.  I was an insecure shell of a man.  Racking up numbers sleeping with women is how I derived my self worth.  The same way some people equate their net worth to their self worth.   I was never comfortable enough with myself so I sought the approval of women.  Of course, the ultimate approval was determined by them sleeping with me.

I didn’t care who I used or who I hurt at the time as long as I got what I wanted.  Most of the time I didn’t even enjoy having sex with these girls.  Normally, about two minutes into the act I would question what I was doing and the anxiety would set in.  The only thought in my mind was how I could end this nightmare and get away from the girl.  If I ever wore a condom, which was rare, I would fake an orgasm so I could stop and get out of the situation. (more…)

Being NakedGuy

In college I was known as Naked Guy.  Every school probably has one.   It wasn’t quite the same sentiment when I showed up to a party in college as in the clip above.

The name Naked Guy was given to me as a freshman and stuck with me all through college.  Only the biggest assholes and morons are given that moniker.  In certain circles of friends I’m still addressed by that nickname.  I cringe every time I hear someone say it.

My freshman year I found it amusing to show others my balls and occasionally whip out my cock.  I’m not packing anything too substantial in my pants, so I usually ended up embarrassing myself.  I wanted attention.  Even if it was the wrong type of attention.  It was a simple formula, cock out =’s attention.

I dated a beautiful girl from New Jersey for three years in college.  I met her hometown best friends for the first time during the second semester of our freshman year.  We were at my friend’s house for a party, playing flip cup in the basement.  Within 30 minutes of meeting them I got drunk, whipped out my balls and was placed them on the flip cup table.  Then I chased people around the basement with my junk hanging out of my pants.  My girlfriend was mortified, and rightfully so.

I wore daisy dukes with the ass cut out of them to a Halloween party my sophomore year.  They were essentially a corduroy G string.  My friends and I thought it was extremely funny.  Everyone else was puzzled as to why I was showing off my hairy ass in public.

I would pull the head of my dick out my pants and shove random objects into my peehole.  Steak knives, mulch, aspirins, keys, whatever seemed to fit.  I would do other odd shit like slam my balls or dick in a door to try and get a couple of laughs.

Once, I masturbated using a massager on my dick, while still wearing pants, until I came.  That doesn’t sound too odd until I mention this occurred in my living room in front of my roommates.  I thought it was hilarious.  I loved the shock value.  Looking back it was borderline gay.

I’m not sure what the point of this post is, other than to embarrass myself by my past actions.  I had good times as Naked Guy, or occasional Nude Dude as some liked to call me.  College is a time to find yourself.  I just happened to find myself being an asshole.