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I Make Poor Choices

She fucking did to me again.  I can’t believe she lied this time.  Actually, I did it to myself, I know what I’m getting into.  I know how she struggles with telling the truth.  I really should only blame myself.

My ex and I started talking after an 8 month hiatus.  Long story short, we hung out last weekend.  Anyone who know us can tell exactly where this story is headed.  It’s always the same.  One or both of us fucks up and everything falls apart.  It all ends in tears or anger and everyone’s sad.  Wah boo hoo

She lied about fucking someone of course. I don’t even care she fucked someone else, I care she lied.  Yes, it’s none of my business because I’ve been sleeping with other people.  But, I asked her flat out and she lied to my face.  She could have told me the truth or chose to decline to answer.  Instead, she lied.

Now I’m annoyed at her and want to walk away.  But there is a part of me that I wants to be spiteful and get back at her.  But why?  I’ll be the one who ends up feeling like a dick and having to deal with the consequences of my actions.  Cleaning up the wreckage of using someone as a pawn to hurt her.  It’s childish, stupid and makes me want to slap myself.  But that’s where my brain still wants to go by default.

Einstein never actually said ” The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results,'” but whoever did was absolutely right.  I want her to change and be the person she used to be.  I know that’s wrong and I shouldn’t want to change her, but I do.  I want her to be better and hold me accountable to be better as well.  But my fantasy is far from reality.

I act like I’m her father-figure, telling her how she should be living her life.  Meanwhile I’m a hypocrite who keeps making shitty choices in my own life.  My need to control is one of my biggest character flaws and the reason many of my relationships fail.

I want to be a family with her and her son.  Being with them was the only time I ever felt connected to a family unit.  I cling to that feeling.  Occasionally I let it go, but somehow it brings me back.  I’m stuck in a loop. A loop of my doing.

Choices and actions dictate life.  Making shitty choices gets you stuck in a loop chasing your dick around like a toddler just hoping life will get better.  Making difficult, positive choices can feel uncomfortable and won’t guarantee your life will become everything you’ve ever imagined, but it’s an opportunity to get out of the vicious loop of insanity.  I’ve said it before, life boils down to three things: Action, choices and chances.  The more action you take, the better choices you make, the more chances you get at living the life you want.

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Sauna Thoughts

Kid Rock’s American Bad Ass is blaring in my headphones as I sweat uncontrollably in the sauna after my morning cardio session.  Yes, I’m a little ashamed to admit I’m listening to Kid Rock.  But I’m white trash and it worked this morning.

I have a full day ahead of me.  The choice is mine to either use it to its’ fullest, or let it pass me by.  To quote Kid Rock “I’m gonna fuck some hoes after I rock this place;” metaphorically speaking of course.  That’s how I want to spend my day.  Being present and appreciating that every day I’m above ground is a gift.

It’s easy to take life for granted when we all wake up with our anxiety and our problems.  They don’t disappear when we fall asleep.  They are right there waiting for us in the morning.

If we don’t have anything to be anxious about, our minds are very creative and can easily whip something up for us to stress about. We aren’t like our ancestors who woke up with real problems, worrying about getting eaten by a lion or some shit.  But we can certainly stress over driving to work in traffic or struggle over the existential question, “why am I here.”  I seem to focus on the latter quite often, and not in a healthy, introspective way.  Instead I put pressure on myself to do something great or my life is meaningless.  That’s always a fun conversation in my head.

It’s all bullshit to some extent.  Life is what you choose it to be.  I’m jealous of others who don’t search for meaning and do whatever their primal instincts feel in that moment.  It doesn’t seem like the the best long term solution, but it seems like a shitload of fun.

Life can have meaning to you or it can be a rat race devoid of any substance until you pass on and your matter floats back into the universe.  I’m not certain one choice is better than the other.  It’s simply perspective.

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Need a Spot Bro?

You’d think hearing the words “they all just want to suck your dick” would be greatest thing anyone has ever said to you.  But not on this day.

I was 26 at the time and started working out at a new gym in Philly.  I quickly became friends with a bunch of guys there.  One guy in particular, I would see almost daily.  We would bullshit every time I saw him and we became close (Fast forward a couple years later and he would actually save my life).

I remember he was supposed to meet me and some friends at a bar one night, but had to bail. I told him “that was gay” and he should “stop being a fag”.  That’s how I talked to my guy friends at 26. Sometimes I still talk to them that way, I’m a heathen and a relic, I know.

Eventually he asked me to stop calling him gay and fag. I laughed thinking he was being overly sensitive.  A few weeks later I found out he actually was gay. I was very surprised at first, but got over it quickly.  He was actually more shocked when I figured it out and asked him about It. He wanted to know who told me and he danced around the issue at first.  I didn’t give a fuck, he was my friend.  See how accepting I am?

I never spent too much time around gay people before, so unless it was blatantly obvious, I was oblivious to the fact.  As he got more comfortable with me knowing his sexual orientation he introduced me to all kinds of fun new phrases like big chaser and power bottom.

Finally one day he let me in on a little secret. Almost all of the Guys I was friendly with at my gym were gay too.  Then proceeded to tell me they weren’t my friends but they were interested in me.  He could have been fucking with me to see me reaction, but I felt sad.  All this time I thought I was making friends, it turns out they wanted to have sex with me.

I was so confused, and a little hurt I suppose.  I guess I found of what it was like to be a woman for once in my life.  Thinking all of these people were nice to you because their your friend, when really they just wanted your ass.

I’m not the type of straight guy who thinks all gay men want him or anything ridiculous and delusional like that.  I’m not that much of a troglodyte.  I’m secure in who I am and realize most people understand boundaries if you set them correctly.  But I found out how naive and ignorant I was to the world around me.  Guess I probably still am.

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200 Word Free Flow

I just had my 2 year check up and I’m cancer free!  I graduated from scans and checks ups every 3 months to now every 6 months.  It’s a great day and you would think I’d be the happiest man on the planet.  I am happy, but at the same time don’t feel as grateful as I should.

My mind likes to play out horrible situations where the cancer comes back and I have to fight for my life.  I don’t know how to accept peace into my life, only chaos.  I don’t feel comfortable in a state of homeostasis.  I understand chaos and pain.  If I don’t have a crisis, I’m not sure how to act.

I’m lost in my head.  Am I overthinking all of this?  Am I supposed to spend my day being an overachiever because I received great news?  Who makes these rules and why am I so worried about following them?

I don’t know who I am or what I want.  I never had a passion to follow in my life that I recall.  Maybe health and fitness.  I saw the trend 15 years ago but didn’t follow my heart because I didn’t see the immediate financial rewards.  Today, the industry is so crowded and I’m even more concerned about money and material things.  How can I waste my life never chasing passion?  Fuck, I want to scream.

The heat from the sauna is starting to bother me.  The sweat dripping off my forehead onto my screen is making typing difficult.  I want to say fuck it.  Here’s my 200 words.  I’m done for the day.  You happy brain.

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There Used to be Hair There

My day started out with such promise. I woke up at 5:15 to meet my friend for an early morning workout and discuss some business.  Then I got myself ready and my dog and I headed to work.

On the way to work I caught the reflection of the back of my head in a mirror and it was soul crushing.  I know I’m going bald, but I didn’t realize it was as severe as it appeared today.  When I’m doing my hair I literally take pictures of the back of my head to see if I got the combover right.  So I know it’s happening, but I feel like the process sped up several years over the past 2 months.  So that set me in a bit of a tailspin, but I kept on moving along with my day.

I got to my office earlier than normal with the hopes of having an amazingly productive day.  I told myself I was going to make a shitload of sales calls and close several deals.  But then I had to deal with a shipment that came in.  I had to go through 500 packages of fucking fidget spinners to see how many were broken in transit from China.  Yes, I’m selling fidget spinners as a new item and yes it saddens me I’ve stooped so low.

After finding 50 broken spinners out of 500, I realized the instructions on the back were written in fucking Turkish.  Sometimes China is just gonna China you and that’s the way it is.

Once I finally got done with that time and energy drain I found out one of our warehouse employees incorrectly counted in several of our new items.  So back to the warehouse I went to correct the issue.  By the time I was done with all this menial bullshit it was 4 o’clock and I was pretty much over today. I felt defeated.

I felt myself wanting to freak out and take shit out on everyone around me.  I started to obsess over why my shirt didn’t feel like it fit me the same way it did 2 weeks ago.  I questioned my diet and told myself how shitty I looked.  I wanted to fight with my business partner because he was taking longer than I felt he should have to get me some information I needed.    Then I went back to worrying about how bald I’m getting again and prayed to the Gods of Propecia to start working soon. (more…)

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Don’t Pass to Me!

Growing up I never wanted the ball in my hand when the game was on the line.  I was too afraid to fail.  I liked being a part of the supporting cast, I never wanted to be a leader.  I wanted people to do the hard work for me.

I was afraid I would fuck up and people would see me in the same light I saw myself; a worthless failure who will never be good enough.  Fear of living made me want to die or go to jail so I wouldn’t have to face the reality of actually living life.  I was more afraid of living then I was of sitting in a jail cell having people make my decisions for me.

I never took responsibility for changing my own life, I just expected things to happen.  The problem was, for many years I got by that way.  I floated through life and things just happened for me.  Poor behavior reinforced by reward leads to more poor behavior and unrealistic expectations of life.

Thankfully, life caught up with me and I was fortunate enough to experience a lot of pain because of my choices.  I had to become accountable and make changes in my life.   I can’t stand to think how boring my life would’ve been if everything kept coming easy to me.  I would have no character, no experiences to share and no ability to overcome adversity when it struck.

Three years ago, my business partner and I had an idea to launch a discount business-to-consumer website for cell phone accessories.  I sourced the products, we got the site set up and in a few months we were finally ready to launch.  I expected to do a little advertising and sit back and watch the money pour in.  That wasn’t the case.

I spent 6 months or more casually playing with ads on Facebook expecting to rake in hundreds of thousands of dollars without having to do any real work. It’s absolutely insane to think that, but a part of me really thought it would happen.  My delusions of grandeur were quickly crushed and reality set in. (more…)

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Pitfalls

It’s so obvious from the outside to see everything falling apart. I pick up on every little detail that will ultimately lead to someone’s demise when I stand back and take it all in.  That’s the easy part.  The hard part is recognizing those character flaws and ominous events in your own life leading to your world collapsing around you.

This weekend, I was watching the movie Legend, with Tom Hardy.  I’m fascinated with British gangster flix.  Every time I watch these movies, all I can think is I was born in the wrong era.  I’m stroking my own ego with these thoughts, but I was always a savvy and resourceful criminal.

I admire the characters meteoric rise to power, then loath the inevitable crash.  I can pinpoint when the characters are going to slip up before it ever happens.  I get emotionally involved and incredibly sad when I realize their fate.  I’ve literally cried at the end of Carlito’s Way, RIP Charlie.  For once I want to see the bad guy make it out unscathed and live a normal life.  I guess it’s wishful thinking for my life and I want some visual evidence to prove it really can happen.

It’s usually the same old story over and over when powerful people lose it all.  Ego and pride are the two main suspects which lead to their downfall.  They think of themselves as bigger than they are, untouchable. I’ve been there before and life certainly has humbled me. Thankfully not to the extent of my demise, I’ve been lucky in that regard.

All these pitfalls seem so obvious and avoidable from the outside.  If they had quit while they were ahead or made a compromise to keep from going to war, everything could have worked out.  But in my own life I often don’t recognize what’s going on until it’s too late and turning back doesn’t feel like an option.  Once I’ve lost control I tend to destroy whatever is good in my life before I regain my composure.

Some days I feel like a slave to my character flaws.  They keep me confined to a life of having to second guess everything I do.  I fear if I don’t, they will run wild and ruin me.  I’m a damaged person.  The only way I can keep my issues at bay is to constantly check myself on a daily basis, otherwise, I’m fucked.

Everyday I have to ground myself with gratitude and humbleness, which is really difficult for someone like me.  Most days I want to be an egocentric asshole and live in a fantasy world where I’m special and great. (more…)

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Let Me Cram That In There

I hate feeling the need to fill all the empty spaces in my life.  Worrying about making the best use of my time.  I have a list of things I want to do today and I despise putting things off I claim are important to me.

Writing is one of those things I seem to push off daily.  It gets shuffled to the bottom of my daily to-do list.  It comes after: work, the gym and then all the fucking off I do daily.  I feel better everyday I write and create. It’s cathartic, even if I’m writing nonsense no one else would want to see.

Writing helps me in business and personal life. I feel lighter and less bogged down with the heaviness of racing thoughts.  I can communicate better with everyone I interact with.  My ability to speak peaking with prospective customers and crafting effective emails improves greatly.

Knowing all the benefits, I still find excuses why I can’t do it daily.  I create pressure on myself to create something, which leads to shaming myself when I don’t do it.  This is a theme in my life in general.

I don’t get paid to write, so why should I place those kinds of consequences on whether or not it do it?  It seems the only way I write is when I force myself to do it.

So I’m sitting in the barbershop waiting for a cut, writing down what’s going through my head.  Filling my time with something constructive instead of mentally masturbating to social media or texting friends.  I feel lighter and more content with my day by fitting this in.

Small victories daily compound into larger victories in the future.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll write something worth reading.

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Where Your Head Goes, You Go

“Keep your head up and looking forward.  Where your head goes, you go.  If your head’s looking down, guess what, you’re going down.”

I was in the ocean struggling to catch waves as usual.  That simple, but profound advice from a guy watching me surf changed my morning.  From then on, I kept my head up, looking forward and everything got easier.  I had my best day in the water.

The same advice I was given about surfing applies to all aspects of life.  If you’re living life with your head up, focused on where you want to go you have a better chance of getting there.

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Why’s he got that?

I look around asking why I don’t have this or that. It’s because I’m afraid of failing. I don’t take the action and the risk to make it happen. I see all these mediocre dudes on the beach with attractive girls and I wonder, “why don’t I have that?” I’m pretty fucking mediocre too, why am I not with her.

Now, I know there is a whole lot wrong with what I just wrote. I know everyone has different tastes.  I also know I am judging by appearances and my perspective of other people.  These guys may have lots of other amazing things about them like personality, great career etc.

Also, I know that I could be dating attractive women, but I choose to be emotionally unavailable, say really stupid shit I should keep to myself and have lots of unprotected sex.  So, yeah, there’s lots of reasons I’m sitting alone on the beach right now. We’ve addressed that, now lets move on.

The real point to that, is those guys most likely put themselves in the right position to be in the place they are in. They may have taken risks to go up and meet the girl. They could have built their life up to a place that is attractive to her. They could have been introduced by a friend who thought they would click. All of that is by design one way or another.

A mutual friend may have thought they are both great people so she put them together.  That never happens to me, because I’m horrible at dating, I sleep with everyone (which my friends all know), I don’t allow sleepovers and I’m generally kind of an asshole. So my friends don’t usually want to subject others to dating me.

If I want to have someone, those behaviors have to change.  Making those changes are solely up to me.

This can obviously be applied to anything you want in your life that you feel don’t have and should.  I was using dating as an example, because it’s something so glaringly obvious that I’m really bad at.  That and I like to be self deprecating because it’s fun.  Don’t judge me.

So if you actually want something to change in your life, shut the fuck up and do something about it.  Stop making excuses and make changes to your life so you can have a chance to get what you want in life.  Don’t be entitled and expect things will happen for you, just because you feel you deserve it.  I’m busy doing that, so fuck off and get in line.