KRS’s Drunken Fun Ride into The Cornfield

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My 1989 Chevy Beretta screeched out of the McDonald’s parking lot as the flashing lights followed behind me.  I was 16.  I had just received my drivers license 4 months prior.  I was extremely intoxicated; speeding down side streets in my little suburban town trying to outrun the police chasing me.  I had no seat belt on, but the party ball sitting shotgun was buckled up safely.

I was speeding recklessly.  But I obeyed all other traffic laws.  I stopped at stop signs.   I used my turn signals.  Not the best plan to elude police.

I approached a bend in the road and lost control of my car.  I ended up driving straight into a cornfield.  My car stalled and died.  Luckily no one was injured.

I started to exit my car and the police were on me immediately.  I was struck in the face with a flashlight and slammed to the ground.  The police claimed I was resisting arrest.  At 16 I wasn’t a very menacing looking character.   I was 5’9, 150 lbs and hammer-time drunk.  Drink Beer

When the police searched my car they found some odd items inside.  First, and most obvious was the party ball they found sitting shotgun with a seat belt around it.  Then they found a marine K-bar knife under the passenger seat and pair of nunchucks under the driver side seat.

When they got me to the police station my face was bloody and bruised from the flashlight.  I had brush burns from my chest up to my face and onto my ears from when the police had drug me across the ground.  I cursed out all of the officers using every bit of profanity I knew.

I made a lot of worthless threats about how my father was going to get me out of trouble.  He had zero pull.  I’m not sure why I would even say something like that.  I guess being extremely drunk and having been hit in the head with a flashlight could have had something to do with it.

The police antagonized me and got me to act out more.  I asked them to let me out of the handcuffs so I could wipe the blood off my face, but they refused.  So I spit the blood off my face towards them.

When the police finally drew my blood I had a blood alcohol level of .27.  Almost 3 times the legal limit (Back then it was .10 in Pennsylvania).  I was charged with DUI, eluding police and numerous other offenses.  They wanted to keep me overnight but I was released to my father.

After my father picked me up from the police station he did something very odd.  He took me to a diner to eat at around 2:30-3 in the morning.  We met his degenerate friends who liked to hang out at there all night.  I was bloody, bruised and drunk; and he thought it would be a good idea to go meet his friends.

The next morning I woke up with my face sticking to the pillow.  The blood from my cuts dried to the pillowcase causing me to be glued to it.  I was praying the previous nights events were just a dream.  But they were not!  Facing my family and friends was extremely embarrassing.  Especially showing up to high school with bruises all over my face and everyone knowing what had happened.

In the end I was convicted of DUI, eluding police and resisting arrest.  There were about 12-13 other charges that were dropped. I lost my license for 18 months and was on probation until I graduated high school.  Part of my probation stipulated that I had to attend outpatient counseling for alcoholism.  My parents sold my car to pay for my fines and lawyers fees.

Not driving for the remainder of high school really put a damper on my social life.  I had to constantly bum rides anywhere I wanted to go.  High school wasn’t a shining moment in my life.  My poor choices made it even worse.

 

 

When I Just Don’t Have The Words

Some days I can sit down and the words and emotions flow like Natty Light at a frat keg party.  I can express exactly what I am feeling and thinking.  I’m in a state of flow.  Its a an amazing rush.  I feel like Arnold in Pumping Iron.  “Im cuming all day and night” 

Then there are days like today.  I feel like I’m beating my coked up dick with sandpaper.  No matter how hard I try I’m going to end up with half a chubby that’s really chaffed and sore.  I have a lot inside of me that I want to say, but the words just seem to escape me.

I have a vision in my mind of how my writing should look.  Being hopeful my words can help others .  Putting my stories and thoughts out for those who can related and are struggling to find their way.  My goal is to create pieces of art that cause others to become interested in their own lives.  To help them start experimenting with what works and what doesn’t.  I strive to build a successful life to show others that if someone like me can do it anyone can.  “Each one teach one.”  Everyone has some gift they can and should share with the world.

Creativity has been a struggle throughout most of my life.  Always wanting someone to give me direction on what to do with my life.  Having a them lay out a solid game plan and show me the end goal.  The majority of my hesitation stems form fear of trying something new and looking like a fool to others.  I have struggled to be a leader.  Writing allows me that creative outlet where I can take the risks.  I can bare my soul in a cathartic way that forces me to face my fears.  Writing builds leadership quality because only I can create with the words that are in my mind.  There is no one to tell me what or how to write.

For me, its important to push forward and create when I don’t feel like it.  Complacency and laziness haunt me at times.   Im just getting back into writing so I need the reps and the practice.  Many times I just vomit utter shit onto my computer screen that seemed like an amazing idea when I started.  But I learn and I grow from the exercise.  Even if what I produce may not make it onto my blog its never wasted effort.  Writing always serve some purpose for my life at the time.  It could be as simple as forcing me to get out of my head, or it could help me work through some of my deep seeded shit that brings me down.

I get to say some real shit that people may judge me for.  Friends, family members, business partner, acquaintances may all view at me a little differently after hearing my story.  The ability to be genuine and authentic is what touches and inspires others.  I want my readers to feel my joy and pain.  People will hopefully laugh or cringe at the dumb shit I’ve done and feel better about themselves.   If Anything I have experienced and shared helps the life of others I consider it a success.

 

What I learned Last Night at the Casino

Last night I got the itch.  I was bored, no one wanted to go out and I needed to get out of the house for a bit.  I decided to take a trip to the casino.  The delusions of grandeur started flowing in my head.  I saw me there spending an action packed night of meeting new people, laughing and watching the money roll in.  Now, from my experience, the odds of my night going that route were about as likely as Klansman finding a date on blackpeoplemeet.com.  But, I went into it with a positive attitude and was ready to play some blackjack.  Don’t get me wrong I have won big before, but its been awhile.

I scoped the place out for a few minutes until I found a table I felt comfortable with.  I sat down, threw out a grand and was ready to play.  Most the night I was up and down small amounts.  I couldn’t really get traction one way or the other.  I decided to change tables.  Once I got to the new table it was all over very quickly.  I played to win, made all the right calls.  The cards just didn’t fall my way this night.  As usual the house won.  I should have just walked up to the dealer, handed him my chips, told him to kick me in the balls and been on my way.  It would have saved me some time

Normally I would be the typical loser in the casino and done one of two things.  Either I would have pulled out more money and kept losing, or I would have continuously replayed those hands over and over in my head.  Making judgment calls on what I should have done.  I would have made myself completely miserable thinking about how I should have played.  The mental and emotional hangover would have probably lasted for a couple days.  I would have shamed myself for being so stupid and wasteful with my money.  Those thoughts would have snowballed from money worries to my ex, I’m not in the shape I want to be, all the way to why I’m not where I want to be in life and just kept going.  The negativity would compound and spiral out of control quickly for two maybe three days.  All over my decision to gamble that cost me to lose a $1000.  Which a friend of mine made me feel worse about when I told him how much I lost.   He responded “You lost what my 60 hour work week makes me before taxes.”  I could have gone without hearing that.

Im not a rich man by any means, so that money could have been spent in much better ways.  The thing is its the past.  Its done and can’t be changed and I have accepted that.  That may not seem like a whole lot to some people, but for someone like me that is HUGE.  I am starting to be able to make mistakes without shaming myself.  I don’t have to place a negative value on myself because I had a little set back.  Just because I lost last night doesn’t prove my life is a constant failure.  In the past I would have allowed myself to see things that way.

Losing that money turned out to be an investment in my mental health.  Im not saying it was the best value for the investment.  Losing $100 and feeling this way would have been much better.  For someone who obsesses and allows those obsessions to turn into much larger issues I feel like this is a pretty big step in the right direction for me.  Learning how to deal with mistakes and failure without the toxic shame.  Also, I will probably stay away from the casino for awhile too.  It’s been making me its bitch for a couple months now.

 

The Squirrel Master and the Pee Snowball

Back in college I was your friendly neighborhood dopeman (This becomes important later in the story).  I was always resourceful when it came to making money the wrong ways.

The college was in a shitty little town in PA.  The majority of off campus students lived a few blocks behind the school.  Kids were always walking up and down the street and hanging out drinking on each others porches.  It was a small school so pretty much everyone knew each other.

Snow days were always the most fun in college.  Snow = no class = total fucking shit show.  When we would hear about snow coming we would stockpile booze and drugs for the next day.  It was like Christmas.  Sort of.  We would start drinking when we got up. Then we would head to the main bar, which was a block from my house, for shitty food and more booze.

Students ran the bar, so on snow days it would open early.  Everyone would flock there by 12-1 in the afternoon. The funniest thing is everyone bitched about the bar, saying how much they hated going there.  But every weekend it would be packed with all those same people.  There really wasn’t anywhere else to go honestly.

This snow day in particular ended up being little more special than usual.  My roommates and I got up, ate and started to drink.  I made sure to eat right away.  As soon as that meal was done I was doing my first ripper.  Eating after that became much more difficult.

The Squirrel Master and my other roommate hit me up for a bag early.  Within 45 minutes they had ripped right through it.  I knew with how hard everyone was drinking and partying they would want more really soon.

About 30 minutes after they finished their first bag the Squirrel Master came looking for another half gram. The only issue is he had no money.  Now, I was huge asshole in college.  I liked making people do shit for my entertainment.  I had the two key ingredients to make that dream a reality in college. Coke and money.

The Squirrel Master really wanted a bag.  I knew he wanted it bad enough to do something really fucked up for my enjoyment.  I told him I would figure out a way for us to barter.  Ideas went back and forth in my head, but nothing seemed worthwhile.  Then I walked outside and saw a guy walking his dog and it hit me.  I ran back inside and told him I would gladly give him the bag if he ate a pee snowball.  Without blinking he agreed.  I decided this was going to be so much fun that I went and invited the neighbors to come watch.

I walked outside and packed a cup full of snow.  I pulled out my dick and pissed on the snow just like you would if you were pouring syrup over a snow cone.  Everyone was outside waiting with anticipation to see if he would go through with this.  I walked over to him and poured the yellow snowball into his tiny little cupped hands.

Without hesitations he took the first big bite.  Everyone watching was gagging, laughing and running around.  As soon as he swallowed the first bite he gagged and spit it up everywhere.  That didn’t stop him though.  He was determined to chow down and get his prize.  People were begging him not to finish.  They were offering to give him the money for the bag if he to stopped.  Every bite he chomped down he gagged and spit right back up until he was finished.

By the time he was done most people had stopped watching.  I guess it was just too much for most people to handle.  He came up to me with biggest grin on his face and put his hand out in front of me.  It was his way of saying “fuck you pay me.”  He stepped up and met the challenge.  I don’t really remember too much else about that day.  But, the Squirrel Masters feat of strength showed his will.  College was the fucking best.

That Feeling In Your Gut When You Just Know

There are very few things quite as powerful as your gut instinct.  It’s amazing how intuitive we really are as humans. How much our body gives us so many signs and clues as to what we should and shouldn’t be doing if we truly pay attention.

The obvious things that hold us back from truly following our gut are fear and doubt.  Those two things are a son-of-a-bitch.  They can wreak havoc on your outlook and life.  We all can very easily persuade ourselves to think that gut feeling is just a pipe dream.  Perhaps we started to late for it to work, or its too difficult a task for us.  Those things may all very well be true.  However, no one ever truly knows unless they try.

Wayne Gretzky said “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” I am a firm believer in this affirmation. There are so many points in my life that I look back on with regret saying “fuck I should have done this back then.”  The reality is that some of these things I still want to do and can do with my time.

I REALLY like the excuse of “Im too old” or “I missed the wave.”  Those two thoughts allow me to be a giant pussy from time to time.  Never attacking the passions and goals I have.  I hate the thought of starting over. Not making money and having to worry about finances makes me cringe.  The sad reality is that I AM starting over now at 35 anyway.  I quit my previous career over a year ago.  I’ll get into that whole bag of shit at another time.  Time is passing anyway so I should just start over doing something I love and have a passion to do.

An hour ago a friend texted me asking me about working out.  She was talking about how she wanted to tone up and and she needed help.  She lives near me so I just offered to train her a couple times a week.  I got so excited when she said yes.  I love training people.  In general, I have a passion to help anyone reach any goal they may have.  It’s a fucking amazing feeling.  Plus, I figured it will force me to go a couple more times a week.  It will be great way to get in summer shape for me as well.

All of the sudden I got that feeling of fire in my gut.  That feeling of excitement to use my gifts and knowledge to help someone else.  By helping others I get back such an amazing amount of fulfillment internally.  This was gods way of giving me another kick in the ass saying “hey dumby this is what you should be doing with your time”

I started making some goals in my head.  Get my training certifications.  Write more.  Start helping people reach their goals mentally and physically.  Train people. Start a meal prep company like a friend of mine has in Baltimore (If you are down in the Baltimore area check him out https://www.facebook.com/fitfoods2you).  Then the reasons started pouring in of why I cant do this.

  • I already committed to business last year and spent a lot of time and effort working on it
  • I have to get my training certificate and that’s hard and time consuming
  • I should have done this 10 years ago when I first had the idea
  • Im not good enough
  • And most of all IM JUST PLAIN, OLD AFRAID TO LOOK STUPID AND FAIL

All those excuses for the most part are just bullshit.  Yes, there is some truth and failing is a possibility.  But I can fail doing shit I hate doing.  Which has happened to me on several occasions.  The reality is its easy too dream and hard to create.  It takes a huge leap of faith into the unknown.  It takes facing the fears of what could be the treacherous reality in the future.  It takes courage, confidence and hard work ethic.  I have lacked these three things in many aspects of my life over the years.

I fear putting myself out there and how others will receive me. I fear taking risks because I could fail and look less than to others and myself.  I fear that I don’t have the capacity to handle the turmoil and hurt of failure. The funniest thing about this ridiculous fear is that for the vast majority of my life I took huge risks with my freedom to make a living.  Its strange how that fear never stopped me even though it was always on my mind.

I keep reminding myself that all the things that made me safe and successful on the other side of the law can be applicable on the legit side.  I need to develop the work ethic and courage to fall on my face a couple times and keep picking myself up.  I need to be firm, but fair with myself and my abilities.

I have been out of the legitimate business world for such a long time.  Many of the skills that made me successful 8-10 years ago in corporate America have rust on them.  It will take time to polish them up and get them up to a speed that I feel is acceptable and truly produce results.  Until that time I need to keep making mistakes and learning from them.  Once my skills are at that level I will need to strive to keep getting better.  Progressing by pumping out more and more reps and continuing to learn. Complacency is one of the most evil and dangerous character defects out there.

I see SO MANY people out there that have started out with much less of a cushion financially than I have and done SO MUCH more.  Many of these same people also lacked many of the skills and abilities I have.  They know much less about how a business is run and the inner workings of day to day operations.  Very few have tasted the type of financial success I have and don’t fear living with less the way I do.

WHAT THESE PEOPLE DO NOT LACK IS CONFIDENCE, DRIVE, AND THE UNCANNY ABILITY TO CHASE THEIR DREAMS AND MAKE THEM A REALITY.  They do not fear what others think.  In their minds they are already successful.  These types of attributes can’t be bought or faked.  However, they can be learned. Every time you face your fears and take it head on, no matter what the outcome is you learn invaluable lessons about yourself and life.  Those lessons are the building blocks to a happy, successful and fulfilling life.  Just like reps in the gym.  You build the muscles to change your life.  You wont always come out on top but if you can keep pushing forward you will grow an amazing confidence in your abilities.  You will be able to create the world around you that you always dreamed of.  I have seen this happen to others around me in many different aspects of their lives, not just financially.  It is something to truly revel

 

 

The Snowplow Metaphor that Became a Reality

This weekend I went to Baltimore to meet up with some friends at a Belgian Beer-fest.  On Saturday evening I decided to drive back home to Philly when I saw snow starting to come fall. The weather reports were calling for some heavy accumulation and I didn’t want to be stuck.  It was Valentines day and I hadn’t booked a hotel for the night.  To make matters worse we were hanging out about a mile away from where my ex was currently living.  It had the makings me of getting horribly drunk and doing something asinine so I left.

As I started my trek home quickly realized I was driving directly into the storm.  The snow was coming down hard.  The wind was violently whipping snow all around which made conditions much worse. During certain points of the drive it was almost a complete white out.  Visibility was barely three feet in front of me.  Driving over 35 mph wasn’t an option.

Being from the North East you learn to become accustomed to driving in winter storm.   Even though I’m normally a pretty shitty driver, I’d say my snow driving game is pretty strong. But, This was one of the worst storms I had ever driven in.  About half way through I arrived at a bend in the road where traffic had come to a stand still.  The road was so icy that people were spinning out of control and careening off the side of the road.  Keeping control of my car became very difficult.  I was going 5 mph and when I had to hit the breaks my car would slide out of the lane.  Several times I came very close to bumping into other cars that were sliding all over the road with me.

With my steering wheel clenched my focus became on just getting past this small stretch of road safely.  I could see cars 1/2 mile in front of me driving safely.  It took the better part of 5 minutes to go 1000 feet.  At that point I could hear the horn blasting from the truck behind me.  The obnoxious sound aggravated me to no extent.  I was swearing and freaking out behind the wheel because of this asshole behind me.  Couldn’t he understand I was struggling like every other car on the road to make it through this section safely.  His horn continued to blast!  I couldn’t take it anymore.  I lost it.  I started to slide off the side of the road so I decided to just make it to the shoulder so this fucking guy could pass.

As I pulled to the side of the road I rolled my window down, stuck my arm out the car and flipped the trucker off.  I was screaming every horrible combination of curse words at this guy and praying for his demise.  Once the truck started passing me I realized why he was beeping and trying to get me to move over.  The truck was a fucking SNOWPLOW!  He wasn’t being an asshole.  He was trying to help me.  Once I let him in front of me I drove back onto the road and it was smooth sailing for the next 10 miles while I followed him.

I was so caught up in my own struggle to get out of the icy conditions I didn’t even bother to take a good look at the truck behind me.  Instantly assuming he was just a typical asshole on the road trying to get home faster. I didn’t stop to realize he was honking his horn to get me to move over so he could clear the path for my journey home.  I allowed my current situation to consume me and make me blind to the fact that there could be help out there in these dangerous conditions.

This story really happened to me February 14, 2015.  This situation was like a giant metaphor for my life kicking me in the balls and saying HELLO!  I become so entrenched in the bullshit that is pulling my life down that I don’t see that there is an easier way.  My impatience, shortsightedness, and inability to see the big picture causes me to make poor choices.  I can’t see past my current situation and the fact that it is only temporary.  I am only concerned with how it is affecting me at that point in time.  All I want to do is get out of whatever I’m feeling or dealing with as quickly as possible because it is just too much for me to bear.

The ride home sucked. It was treacherous and scary at times.  I couldn’t see 5 feet in front of me or control my car at times.  What is normally an hour and forty-five minute drive took the better part of 5 hours.  This type of journey is on par with how I have lived my life.  I don’t take the time to evaluate situations, see what is unfolding and navigate them correctly.

I have lived my life this way for as long as I can remember.  My tendency is to ignore signs that are telling me to stop or slow down.  The ironic part of that is I have “SLOW DOWN” tattooed across my knuckles as a reminder to myself.  Something better is ahead of me if I’m patient, do the hard work and take the right actions.  I don’t take the signs from God, the universe, friends or a real fucking snow plow that they are trying to get my attention for a reason.  That they are trying to show me there is an easier path for me to drive on.  That there is a better life or way of living if I am willing to slow down, put my ego aside and allow them to show me their plan.

 

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