On Grandiosity

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Grandiosity may be the single biggest threat to my life. So many of the problems I have create for myself are rooted in grandiosity.  It’s a character defect which has decimated my relationships, my health and my finances.  Grandiosity is a little voice inside of me that tells me I am above other people and the outcome of my actions will always work out, for the simple fact that I am me.  Any factual data or empirical evidence that has proven me wrong in the past is overlooked and I ride blindly on my impulses, because this time will be different.

Grandiosity is like gambling.  My adrenaline pumps.  My head is filled with visions of success.  I know the house always wins in the end, but I put my chips up anyway.  Only to watch them dwindle down to nothing in front of my eyes.  I live for the rush and dread the crash.

My issues with addiction are in large part part stem from grandiosity.  I struggle with an overblown sense of invincibility because I’m certain the rules don’t apply to me.   I’ve told myself thousands of times I can use certain drugs without any consequences.  I play out these bullshit fantasies in my head where I I’m on top of the world, until I come down. Then reality sets in, along with disappointment, guilt and shame.

I never realized or understood how many of my actions were driven by grandiosity.  I dominate conversations.  I can’t wait for people to stop talking so I can talk about my favorite subject, me.  I fantasize about saving people and harming those who I feel have done wrong.  I try to bully others into doing what I want, regardless of how they feel, because I am the center of the universe and the my needs are more important.

So often I thought I was being selfless and helping others.  In reality, I was trying to control them by pushing my beliefs and values upon them.  In my mind, if others listened to me and blindly followed my instructions, everyone’s life would get much better because I know what is best for them.  When in fact, my need to control others comes from not being in control of myself.   How I can I drastically change someone else’s life for the better when I struggle to do it in my own life?

I was convinced I could drastically change peoples live’s in positive way.  They would find happiness beyond belief and receive everything they dreamed of, all because of me.  I saved them. I was their hero, their shining light.  It was all about me and no one else. (more…)

Turn Down the Noise

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My natural instinct is to distrust everyone.  If you give me a compliment, I think you’re lying and want something from me.  If a girl sends me a picture, I ask who else she sent them too.  If you pitch me a business deal, more than likely I assume you want to rip me off.

I find myself becoming insecure over the littlest things lately.  Everyone is out to get me.  My business partners want to screw me, friends are lying to me, women are holding things back from me.  It’s an insane amount of paranoia.  I haven’t been this far off the mark in a long time.  It’s addict behavior at it’s finest.

My mind is going a million miles a minute trying to figure out every angle every person is playing.  I waste more time in a day playing out these insane, nightmare scenarios in my head than I spend on making my life better.

I want instant gratification.  If I don’t get immediate results something must be wrong.  I want to control everything and everyone.  My thoughts are racing and I can’t find peace.

That’s when I know it’s time to take a step back and slow down.  I can’t  have any serenity when I can’t be in control of my thoughts and actions.  I needed to write this post as a reminder of how to get myself grounded again.

There are only a few ways I know how to silence my evil master (my mind). (more…)

Removing Power From Ruminating & Obsessive Thoughts

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When I feel bored I become anxious and irritable.  My mind becomes flooded with obsessive thoughts of my vices: I should find drugs, I need sex, how can I hustle up some money, who can I hit up for attention.  Any vice will do.   Even when I’m not engaging in one of those activities at the present moment, they are still at the forefront of my mind when boredom sets in.

I’m an addict. Not necessarily the type that indulges in vice and immediately spirals out of control, but an addict nonetheless.
I obsess over the things I crave.  It’s almost as if I lust for them.  My thoughts become dominated by obtaining whatever I’m obsessing over.  If I begin to seek what I am obsessing over and I can’t find it, the obsession grows exponentially.  I lose focus on everything else.
I believe there is demonstrable correlation between addiction and OCD. The key to managing these issues is understanding how your mind works.  I’m not saying knockdown, drag out, alcoholics or addicts can learn to drink or use again.  But I am saying there is a way to combat addictions and obsessions with practices I will describe below.
I’ve become more self aware of my ruminating thoughts.  In the past these thoughts would hijack my mind.  Now when I feel them building I’ve learned to train my mind to label them as obsessions and treat them as such.  Labeling the thoughts for what they are (negative thoughts) takes a great deal of their power away.  You can easily dismiss these thought without allowing them to sabotage your day, once you realize you don’t have to pay them any attention.  You can simply stop feeding into them once they are labeled. It’s taken a great deal of practice to be able to quiet my cravings in this manner.

(more…)

Fiendin For Some Progress

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I’m irritable and discontent.  I’ve been sick for the past two weeks.  I’m fighting with myself daily.  I haven’t written, worked or done much of anything during this time.

When I woke up this morning, it appeared today was going to be another in a long stretch of days that went on aimlessly.  Wasting my time until I fell back asleep.

I went to therapy this morning and explained my situation.  I was told to show up at work no matter how I felt and give it my best effort.  I wanted to tell my therapist to fuck off.  I didn’t want to go.  I wanted to rest, hoping it would make me feel better tomorrow.

I spent the first hour at my office reading about the stock market.  I looked at my positions eagerly and felt I needed to make a move.   All I could think about was quickly making the money back that I lost.  This is thought process that keeps me losing money.

I didn’t make any trades.  Instead, I did the absolute last thing I wanted to do today.  I hit the phones to make sales call.  Like most people, this is one of the things I enjoy doing the least.  Actually, I hate the thought of making calls, but the reality is never that bad.

Every time I wanted give up or I got nervous about picking up the phone, I told myself, “One day you will be dead, no one will remember any of this.”  Level setting my fear with the fact that I would die one day made it feel infinitesimal and took away any pressure or fear.  I realized how insignificant hearing no meant.  Nothing catastrophic could happen.

I got my hustle muscle going.   It’s amazing how your worries, discomfort and illness stops when you are moving along, forced to be in the present.  I didn’t have time to focus on any of that nonsense because my mind was on the task at hand.  It felt good to sit in that uncomfortability rather than what was stewing in my mind.

I made a little headway on a couple deals.  Nothing too significant.  But I had a goal I was chasing.  I became determined, driven and full of energy.  .

My day was transformed, as well as my mindset.  I wanted to keep going and doing more. I became almost obsessive about how many calls I made.  I kept telling myself, this is the last one.  I did that for an hour straight before I finally stopped making calls.

I felt a spark and passion for my life.  Reinforcing the fact that doing whats most uncomfortable usually brings about a rush of excitement and stimulation; as long as I go into it without any expectations.

We feel most alive when we are moving forward in a desirable direction.  I’ve said this repeatedly, but I will say it again – Progress equals happiness.  The slightest shift in perspective can have the greatest impact on how we feel.

Confinement – Sentenced To Serve

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Rules exist in our minds.  The rhetoric we have been taught for all of our lives has shaped who we’ve become.  Very few people ( including myself at times) know how to think and feel on their own.  We base our thoughts and feelings off of what society has shown us.  Unable to breakdown ideals to their most basic principles and evaluate them for what they are.  Never looking for a deeper understanding, because somewhere along the way we were taught to process events in our life as good or bad and we accepted that with certainty.

Humans have a nasty tendency to view circumstances in our world as personal.  Only taking into consideration how our live’s are effected at the present time.   However, there is a paradigm shift which starts with perspective.  We can look at occurrences as corrections or validations of our actions.  If something doesn’t work out it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bad.  Instead, it could be viewed as a sign it wasn’t right for us at present or we need to change our approach.

For example, I’ve destroyed all of my intimate relationships in the past.  Yet I complain about not being able to find someone to share my life with.  I continue to look for girls in all the wrong places.  If nothing changes, nothing changes.  What didn’t work for me then, still isn’t going to work for me today.  My methods and reasoning are flawed.  It’s like trying to open your front door with the same wrong key, over and over again.  No one would ever try that, it would be insane.  It’s life’s way of telling me to try something new.

Building something new is hard.  I don’t know the outcome, so I’m apprehensive.  I’ve sought out routine and comfort, fearing the results of trying something new.  I’ve been afraid I knew better and shamed myself for trying something new only to fail.

I woke up and realized I had the “things” I wanted for so long; only to realize those “things” weren’t what gave my life meaning.  They validated my insecurities and padded my ego, but never gave me a sense of fulfillment or being whole – That can only be found by living a life you are proud of.  Filling life with as much of the content that truly feeds your soul.  Everything else will eventually lose it’s appeal.  Looks fade, cars get old and money can’t fill the voids inside. (more…)

Thought Of The Day – Multitasking

 

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Do one thing at a time – Multitasking is bullshit.

Think about the last time you brushed your teeth without doing something else with the toothbrush in your mouth. I can’t remember when I’ve solely focused on only brushing my teeth. Normally I have my phone in my hand, I’m running around the house or trying to speak to someone as toothpaste spit drips out of my mouth.  I probably wouldn’t have had so many cavities in my life if I’d given it the focus it deserves.

It’s trite and cheesy, but Heed Bruce Lee’s word’s.  Focus your energy on one thing at a time and move on to the next.  Unless you’re better than me and can multitask effectively.  In that case, fuck yourself and keep doing what works for you.

I don’t even allow myself to have more than one browser page open at one time because of how my mind wanders.  I’ll be doing work and the next thing I know I’m looking up porn, diet information and how to stop my hair from thinning.  An hour later I’ve gotten nothing accomplished, I’m hungry, I have a boner and I’m taking pictures of the top of my head to see when I should book my appointment with a Bosley hair center.

Put your focus and effort into one task.  Keep your smile shiny and white.  Stop having toothpaste dribble marks all over your bathroom or your shirt.  Practice this concept in all areas of your life and see how they improve.

Ugh, Not Another Post About Fear

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Perhaps the biggest tragedy of our lives is that freedom is possible, yet we can pass our years trapped in the same old patterns…We may want to love other people without holding back, to feel authentic, to breathe in the beauty around us, to dance and sing. Yet each day we listen to inner voices that keep our life small.

I don’t believe there’s a way to write a post teaching someone how to stop being afraid.  It’s simply a decision you have to make in your own mind.  Every time you feel that nervous, uncomfortable feeling in your stomach – push forward and take a leap of faith.

If I look at my life, the things I feared becoming the most are what I have become.  Fear turned me into a person I hated.  Someone who regretted the past and wished they could have done things differently.  I allowed my fears to consume me, making my fears reality due to my behavior.  It’s as if I willed them into existence by focusing so much of my attention on those negative outcomes.

My biggest fear in life was turning out like my father.  An unhappy, angry, poorly adjusted man who was stuck in his past.  He didn’t know how to have deep, meaningful relationships, even with his own son.  His limited financial success only came through illegal means.

This is exactly who I became for many years.  I was so afraid of following in his footsteps that I became someone much like him.

I’ve destroyed my intimate relationships and pushed those who loved me away because I feared hurting them.  Ultimately, I ended up hurting them worse because I was afraid to hurt them.   I never allowed myself to be happy and comfortable in my relationships.  I felt nothing could possibly last.  I was certain I would ruin it at some point.

Once someone got too close I felt the need to sabotage the relationship.  Only to later realize what I did and try to reclaim what I destroyed to no avail.  The guilt and shame I felt kept me coming back repeatedly trying to fix the past.  Each attempt making the situation worse and more painful.

I squandered away more money than I care to think about waiting for financial opportunities to present themselves rather than seeking them out.  I feared losing the nest egg I accumulated by taking chances on businesses or venturing back into the job market.  I didn’t believe in myself or my skills when it came to making money in the legitimate world.  I was afraid of the time, money and hard work recreating my career would entail, which caused me to waste large amounts of time and money.

Whatever I feared losing became what I lost. (more…)

The Easiest Ways NOT to Reach Your Goals In The New Year – A How to Guide

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It’s New Year’s resolution time.  Is everyone as excited as I am about it.  You know what that means?  New year, new me and all that bullshit we love to say.  Maybe you plan to lose weight, gain weight, start a new career or simply become a better person.  But, most likely you won’t.  I’m not being negative, I’m being realistic.

Making real change in your life is incredibly difficult.  It takes conscious effort and consistency on a daily basis.  Reflecting on the resolutions I’ve made in the past, I couldn’t stick to them for more than a few months, much less achieve them.  Having said that, I have very little advice on making your resolutions become reality.  What I can tell you are a few surefire ways to ensure you won’t ever be the “new you” you want to be.

  1. Keep complaining– This is one area people really excel at.  There’s rarely a lack of consistency with their complaining efforts (myself included).  The good part is, if you continually complain hard enough, life eventually gets way better. Right?  Nope, I’m a fucking liar.  Your life will suck worse the more you complain.  If you achieve mastery of skill, you will actually be able to complain about complaining.  That’s ninja-level.
  2. Put life off– Tell yourself you will do it tomorrow.  Or maybe push it off until next week, that sounds even better. Wait for certain life events until you can finally take action or be happy.  Because once these magical events occur, THEN you will finally be able to start living.  Maybe after you miraculously lose ten pounds by eating pizza, drinking alcohol and sitting on your couch, you will finally be ready to hit the gym and get the body you’ve been dreaming about.
  3. Lie to yourself–  This is like masturbation; you’re only fucking yourself.  Tell yourself you have things under control when your life is completely unmanageable.
  4. Live in the past– We all know how this plays out.  Clinging onto the comfort of people, places and things that no longer serve us.  I’ve achieved expert level in this behavior.  Dwell so hard motherfuckers wanna fine me!  It’s pretty simple, fucking around in your past won’t get you to your future.
  5. Stay in your comfort zone– Don’t challenge yourself by doing anything new or difficult.  Only do those 3-4 things you’re great at that don’t work for you.
  6. Mock others who take risks and try new things–  This is a excellent use of time.  Look how stupid those people are, doing things you’re too afraid to attempt. What a bunch of suckers.  Let’s point out their flaws and failures so we can feel better about ourselves.
  7. Drink and use drugs too often– Hangovers are awesome!  Keep giving days away, laying on your couch accomplishing nothing.  The road to success is paved upon these principles.
  8. Expect overnight success– If you don’t get the result you dreamed off on your first attempt, you certainly never will.  Quit while you still can.  Everyone who has ever created anything great did it on the first try.  Being a millionaire or getting a great body happens within a week at the most.  Haven’t you ever seen those ads, they certainly wouldn’t lie.
  9. Set goals with no game plan– Don’t worry about what it will take to reach your goals, those detail aren’t important.  The saying “what gets measured gets managed” is complete bullshit.  What really matters is making some arbitrary goal based on a genie granting you a wish.  People don’t realize genies, leprechauns and four leaf clovers are the true means by which people achieve their goals.  It’s all about luck and wishing; not hard work, dedication and design.

Stick to these key points and I promise your 2016 will be as shitty as your 2015.  You will waste another year watching life pass you by.  However, on the bright side, you won’t have to work hard or do anything that makes you uncomfortable.  You can be the same sack of shit you were in years past.  The Glass is half full.  Cheers and happy New Year’s!

Nobody Makes Me Bleed My Own Blood, Except Me

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Sometimes I’m embarrassed for myself. Why do I share what I do? How can I tell people how fucked up I am? What will they think? Who am I to tell people anything?

I do it for me, no one else. Sharing my issues opens up my wounds. Allowing me to inspect them and process what’s happened. Giving me the ability to grow and heal.

Once I put it out there in front of everyone, no matter how embarrassing it may be, it rarely hurts anymore. No one can find out my secrets and use them against me. I already owned them. I have the opportunity to correct some of my mistakes and move on with my life. Possibly helping others do the same.

We find strength and power in other people we didn’t know we had. Some of my favorite writers bleed in their writing. I want to bleed too. They expose the sides of themselves that aren’t so pretty. Sometimes it’s downright ugly.

I’ve seen people post their pain in hope of finding help or peace. Not seeking attention, as some may think. Asking for help is a sign of strength. I find power in that. Sometimes I don’t even realize what I’ve read or heard has helped me until many hours later. It’s selfish, but true. I’m OK with being selfish in this regard.

When I’m not scared or embarrassed to share my thoughts I know it usually won’t be as good as when I am. It lacks a sense of rawness. When I write something and I think to myself, “this is gold”, it tends to be garbage and not well received. It’s usually trite nonsense anyone can put into words and show to the world. I’m not risking anything or taking chances, I’m playing it safe.

Usually its a bullshit attempt at motivation without any real emotion. I’m grabbing at straws talking about something I don’t have a lot of real experience with. I’m being phony. There’s nothing I despise more than people who discuss what they have little knowledge of. (more…)