Pitfalls

It’s so obvious from the outside to see everything falling apart. I pick up on every little detail that will ultimately lead to someone’s demise when I stand back and take it all in.  That’s the easy part.  The hard part is recognizing those character flaws and ominous events in your own life leading to your world collapsing around you.

This weekend, I was watching the movie Legend, with Tom Hardy.  I’m fascinated with British gangster flix.  Every time I watch these movies, all I can think is I was born in the wrong era.  I’m stroking my own ego with these thoughts, but I was always a savvy and resourceful criminal.

I admire the characters meteoric rise to power, then loath the inevitable crash.  I can pinpoint when the characters are going to slip up before it ever happens.  I get emotionally involved and incredibly sad when I realize their fate.  I’ve literally cried at the end of Carlito’s Way, RIP Charlie.  For once I want to see the bad guy make it out unscathed and live a normal life.  I guess it’s wishful thinking for my life and I want some visual evidence to prove it really can happen.

It’s usually the same old story over and over when powerful people lose it all.  Ego and pride are the two main suspects which lead to their downfall.  They think of themselves as bigger than they are, untouchable. I’ve been there before and life certainly has humbled me. Thankfully not to the extent of my demise, I’ve been lucky in that regard.

All these pitfalls seem so obvious and avoidable from the outside.  If they had quit while they were ahead or made a compromise to keep from going to war, everything could have worked out.  But in my own life I often don’t recognize what’s going on until it’s too late and turning back doesn’t feel like an option.  Once I’ve lost control I tend to destroy whatever is good in my life before I regain my composure.

Some days I feel like a slave to my character flaws.  They keep me confined to a life of having to second guess everything I do.  I fear if I don’t, they will run wild and ruin me.  I’m a damaged person.  The only way I can keep my issues at bay is to constantly check myself on a daily basis, otherwise, I’m fucked.

Everyday I have to ground myself with gratitude and humbleness, which is really difficult for someone like me.  Most days I want to be an egocentric asshole and live in a fantasy world where I’m special and great. (more…)

No One Wants the Eggplant

Why the unsolicited Dick pic bro? And why am I the guy telling other guys this?  I’m a fucking moron when it comes to women.  I tell women upfront: I don’t do sleepovers, don’t expect to date me, and this probably wont end well; and even I know better than to send a random chick a dick pic.

What goes through a guys mind when he sees a chicks on IG or Snap and fires away an unwanted pic of his mighty member?  Does he think it will make her wet?  Like somehow, she will see his ugly, veiny dick and instantly want to fuck him.

I can’t imagine anyone ever has sent an unsolicited Dick pick to a chick and she was like, “you know what, this dude seems like he’s got it together.  Not to mention a great hog, I’m gonna bang him tonight.”  What the fuck bro?

I thought guys like me were the bottom of the barrel when it comes to tact and class.  Now I see there’s an heir to that throne.  I’m sure your lonely nights of jacking off to daydreams of the women you will never sleep with will keep feeding your fire to send your piece de resistance of cock pics.  Thinking if you just get the angle right this time, maybe she will fall in love.  Keep up he good work you desperate bastards.

Let Me Cram That In There

I hate feeling the need to fill all the empty spaces in my life.  Worrying about making the best use of my time.  I have a list of things I want to do today and I despise putting things off I claim are important to me.

Writing is one of those things I seem to push off daily.  It gets shuffled to the bottom of my daily to-do list.  It comes after: work, the gym and then all the fucking off I do daily.  I feel better everyday I write and create. It’s cathartic, even if I’m writing nonsense no one else would want to see.

Writing helps me in business and personal life. I feel lighter and less bogged down with the heaviness of racing thoughts.  I can communicate better with everyone I interact with.  My ability to speak peaking with prospective customers and crafting effective emails improves greatly.

Knowing all the benefits, I still find excuses why I can’t do it daily.  I create pressure on myself to create something, which leads to shaming myself when I don’t do it.  This is a theme in my life in general.

I don’t get paid to write, so why should I place those kinds of consequences on whether or not it do it?  It seems the only way I write is when I force myself to do it.

So I’m sitting in the barbershop waiting for a cut, writing down what’s going through my head.  Filling my time with something constructive instead of mentally masturbating to social media or texting friends.  I feel lighter and more content with my day by fitting this in.

Small victories daily compound into larger victories in the future.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll write something worth reading.

Just for today

Today is my 18 month check up at the oncologist.  Every three months I come here for a full day of tests and appointments.  Most of the day I’m sitting in waiting rooms working to keep my mind off the fact I’m surrounded by people who are dying.

I’m one of the fortunate ones.  I only needed two surgeries to get rid of my liver cancer,  no chemo or radiation.  I’ve been given another chance at life. I’d say a second chance, but this is probably my 50th.

When I think about how many chances at life I’ve received I’m grateful. But, I’m also very frustrated with myself.  Life’s precious and I know that, yet I don’t treat it as such.  I continue to make the same mistakes repeatedly, wasting years of my life.

I spend too much time on social media, I do drugs I said I wouldn’t do anymore, I continue relationships that aren’t healthy and run a business that makes me unhappy. I lack passion and kowtow to fear. I settle for the status quo of “good enough.”

What kind of life is that?  From the outside,  people may think I live a good, comfortable and sometimes indulgent life. That may be true in comparison to others.  But, I’m not living the life I truly want to live.

The truth is, I’m not exactly sure what the life I want to live looks like.  I’m still experimenting with what works for me. This could all be a symptom of my age; coming up on the midlife crisis and searching for meaning.  Some existential belief that I need to leave my mark on this world or I won’t have lead a life worthy of my years.  I’m not sure.

But today, I received another clean bill of health and for that, I’m grateful.

Where Your Head Goes, You Go

“Keep your head up and looking forward.  Where your head goes, you go.  If your head’s looking down, guess what, you’re going down.”

I was in the ocean struggling to catch waves as usual.  That simple, but profound advice from a guy watching me surf changed my morning.  From then on, I kept my head up, looking forward and everything got easier.  I had my best day in the water.

The same advice I was given about surfing applies to all aspects of life.  If you’re living life with your head up, focused on where you want to go you have a better chance of getting there.

Ambition is a Bitch

Sometimes ambition is a bitch. I often wonder if a life without ambition would be easier and happier. No stress from worrying about achievements.  No fear of not being enough or creating enough during your life.  No struggling to become more than you are right now.  Instead, simply being happy with where you are with no need to achieve more or be better.

Without getting philosophical or playing devils advocate about what ambition is to other people, I’ll use the dictionary definition for the sake of this post.  Ambition is defined as “a strong desire to do or to achieve something, typically requiring determination and hard work.”

I always viewed those who lacked ambition as lazy or ignorant.  Maybe that’s accurate.  Or maybe they are content with what they have.  Maybe they don’t need anything more than what they have right now to be happy.  It’s possible that people without ambition are able to be the most present and can enjoy life more than others who are working to be more in the future.

I met a guy in Costa Rica who seemed happier than most I know. He told me he had no savings and shared a small apartment with roommates. He didn’t own a car or any sort of transportation. He walked 15 minutes to work everyday from his little house in the jungle.

He had a menial job, from my perspective anyhow, working at the little hotel I was staying at.  He manned the front desk and occasionally helped out at the hotel bar. To paint an accurate picture, the hotel had 8-10 rooms; the bar had 3 stools and 5-6 tables on an outdoor patio.  It wasn’t like he was working at the Ritz-Carlton.

When I spoke with him he was cordial, funny, intelligent and easy to get along with.  During our conversation we briefly discussed careers and aspirations.  When I asked him what he would like to do with his life, he smiled and calmly said “this, why would I want to do anything else with my life. I have a roof over my head, food to eat and people to share my life with.”  Part of me judged him as being unrealistic and full of shit for giving me that answer.  While another part of me was insanely jealous because his answer seemed genuine.

Ambition can, at times, be the root of all my suffering.  Wanting to be more, achieve more, make more.  The constant feeling of needing to work harder to be better.  Being a Type A personality, it’s ingrained in my default setting.

However, ambition can also be the driving force of most of my happiness.  The feeling of making progress in life and bettering myself may be the most addictive drug in the world.  However, too often I allow my happiness and contentment to depend on that feeling.  Needing to always be more can leave me feeling incomplete and dissatisfied with my life. (more…)

Why’s he got that?

I look around asking why I don’t have this or that. It’s because I’m afraid of failing. I don’t take the action and the risk to make it happen. I see all these mediocre dudes on the beach with attractive girls and I wonder, “why don’t I have that?” I’m pretty fucking mediocre too, why am I not with her.

Now, I know there is a whole lot wrong with what I just wrote. I know everyone has different tastes.  I also know I am judging by appearances and my perspective of other people.  These guys may have lots of other amazing things about them like personality, great career etc.

Also, I know that I could be dating attractive women, but I choose to be emotionally unavailable, say really stupid shit I should keep to myself and have lots of unprotected sex.  So, yeah, there’s lots of reasons I’m sitting alone on the beach right now. We’ve addressed that, now lets move on.

The real point to that, is those guys most likely put themselves in the right position to be in the place they are in. They may have taken risks to go up and meet the girl. They could have built their life up to a place that is attractive to her. They could have been introduced by a friend who thought they would click. All of that is by design one way or another.

A mutual friend may have thought they are both great people so she put them together.  That never happens to me, because I’m horrible at dating, I sleep with everyone (which my friends all know), I don’t allow sleepovers and I’m generally kind of an asshole. So my friends don’t usually want to subject others to dating me.

If I want to have someone, those behaviors have to change.  Making those changes are solely up to me.

This can obviously be applied to anything you want in your life that you feel don’t have and should.  I was using dating as an example, because it’s something so glaringly obvious that I’m really bad at.  That and I like to be self deprecating because it’s fun.  Don’t judge me.

So if you actually want something to change in your life, shut the fuck up and do something about it.  Stop making excuses and make changes to your life so you can have a chance to get what you want in life.  Don’t be entitled and expect things will happen for you, just because you feel you deserve it.  I’m busy doing that, so fuck off and get in line.

It’s Really This Simple

I’m a little high and I got way too much sun today, but I’m pretty sure I realize how life works now.

I spent a lot of time on the beach today.  I had been pay attention to everyone surfing, trying to figure out what made some of them better than others.  I’m a wannabe, novice surfer at best, so I wanted to figure how I could get better.

The surfers who were really ripping it up were patient and perceptive.  They didn’t try to ride every wave they saw.  Most of them were out there for hours.  They didn’t look frantic or panicked trying to pop up on their board they way I did.   They took their time and choose the right waves for them, then took action.

After I was done surfing and watching the sunset on the beach.  I was walking back to my little “jungle hotel” and thinking about how life works. It came to me that life really boils down to three things: Action, choices and chances.  The more action you take, the more choices you make, the more chances you get at living the life you want.  I’m pretty sure the majority of life really is that simple.

Everyday we get out of bed, we decide how we are going to live our life for that day.  For me personally, if I lay around in bed half the morning, then fuck off for the next 90 minutes trying to pull my life together so I can go on with my day; I’m probably making the choice to be a piece of shit that day.  It doesn’t have to mean that, but usually it means my day is screwed and destined for jacking off and watching TV. (more…)

You Little Blue Bastard

Sleeping on a plane is almost impossible.  Every Time I fall asleep, I wake up with horrible pain in my neck and back from being contorted in a very unnatural way for a man my size.

Currently, I’ve been on this plane to Salt Lake City for 3 hours and 45 minutes.  I took two Xanax as soon as the plane lifted up.  Fifteen minutes later I could feel myself slowing down and getting sleepy.  The prospect of sleeping for most of the plan ride made me extremely happy. I barely slept the night before and I was hoping to be well rested by the time I reached Utah. That wouldn’t be the case.

I first tried falling asleep with my body and head resting against the window (I was in the window seat).  Every time I would nod out for a few minutes, I would wake up with drool running down my face, horrible pain in my neck and complete numbness in my hands.  But I kept trying this position as it seemed to be the most promising for me, as I’ve slept this way on planes before.

After waking up every 15-20 minutes using the window-torture position,  as I like to call it, I knew I had to try other alternatives.  There was no one sitting into middle seat of my row.  I tried using that to my advantage by swinging my feet over to floor in front of the middle seat.  I angled myself diagonally in my seat allowing me to lay in a reclined position. This felt like it would be a winning position for me.  I was sure I would be putting my Xanax to good use.  (more…)

Serenity Now!

 

What should you do when your mind feels blank or bound up and clogged by thoughts?   Write.  Write and don’t worry about what you’re writing.  No need to judge what comes out, worry about grammar or spellcheck as you’re doing it.

Turn off all filters and censors.  Simply put down onto paper whatever it is that pops up in your mind.  Your mind is always on no matter what.  The times when I feel empty and stifled creatively is usually when I have the most on my mind.  It’s lines and lines of code bouncing around in my head, sucking the life out of my ability to create.

With each word you write, a little more space and order is created inside your head.  Things that were frustrating and tying up your thoughts start to resolve themselves or fade away.  It’s spring cleaning for your psyche.  The more you purge the better you feel.

Getting ideas out of my head and into words causes mental and physical stress to die off.  The knots in my neck and back relax to a much more tolerable state.  It’s amazing what writing can do.

The harder it is to write, the more clutter you have in your head.  There is so much amazing content floating inside of you that you should never run out of material.

Before you know it, you may have written 500-1000 words without being aware of what you wrote.  It may not be your best material, or even good, but that’s not the point of the exercise.  It’s about freeing your thoughts and creating peace inside of you.

When I’m feeling the most stressed is when I have the the most difficulty writing.  My inner judge is telling me I have to create something amazing and worthy of sharing.  That pressure is usually too much for me, so I avoid writing all together.  That become a vicious cycle.  Every day I skip writing something, the more mind is cluttered and the my creativity is diminished.

When I’m able to write, free from censorship, the deeper the peace I feel in my life.  Writing allows me to strip away layers and bleed out toxic thoughts and feelings.  Put your thoughts on paper and read what you wrote.  It may not be a publishable work, but it may be exactly what you need to spark creativity and quiet your mind.