All day I moped around and struggled to deal with my feelings. My body felt like it was shutting down from all the partying these past few weekends. I couldn’t think straight. I went back and forth in my mind hemming and hawing over decisions I wasn’t ready to make.
I made a trip to Baltimore this weekend to attend a friend’s birthday dinner. I used that as an excuse to text my ex-girlfriend and ask her if we could get a drink and talk. She told me she wasn’t sure. Then immediately said she would meet me.
Now I know damn well this wasn’t the best idea. But I wanted to do it, so I did. It wasn’t a horrible experience. I hadn’t seen her for the better part of six months. Feelings came back that I was pretty sure weren’t there anymore. My anxiety and inability to stay present rose to incredibly high levels.
I tried writing today with very little success. I managed to jot down a couple sloppy paragraphs. But, my mind was being hi-jacked by my thoughts.
To get my mind off of things I made plans with a girl I see occasionally. She was supposed to come over at 8 PM to hang out and have sex. I received a text around 5:45 with her excuse of why she couldn’t make it. She prefaced the text with, “please don’t hate me.” This made me hate her a little bit more.
She wants to be my girlfriend, that’s the real problem. I feel bad because she’s a good girl that deserves a good guy who wants to be with her. I know I should cut this off before it ends poorly. I also know that sometimes I want to be selfish.
I was annoyed and horny. I hadn’t masturbated in over a week. With my booty call flaking on me I knew I had to take matters into my own hands. I went to work and It was glorious. As I finished I asked myself why I don’t make time to do this more often anymore.
Two minutes after I finished it was like a cleaning service went to work on my mind. All the clutter was removed and I could suddenly see things more clearly. I realized I need to make clear cut decisions about what I want and go after it in a direct manner. I need to be confident enough in myself to know that I can make it through whatever happens and stay on my path. That’s more important to me than the actual outcome.
A friend once told me years ago that before I make a rash decision, masturbate first. If I still want to do it afterwards, go for it. That’s some pretty sound advice.