Junk Food For Your Brain

Sometimes You Gotta Clean the Pipes

pipe-cleaningAs soon as I came everything was so much clearer.

All day I moped around and struggled to deal with my feelings.   My body felt like it was shutting down from all the partying these past few weekends.  I couldn’t think straight.  I went back and forth in my mind hemming and hawing over decisions I wasn’t ready to make.

I made a trip to Baltimore this weekend to attend a friend’s birthday dinner.   I used that as an excuse to text my ex-girlfriend and ask her if we could get a drink and talk.  She told me she wasn’t sure.  Then immediately said she would meet me.

Now I know damn well this wasn’t the best idea.  But I wanted to do it, so I did.  It wasn’t a horrible experience.  I hadn’t seen her for the better part of six months.  Feelings came back that I was pretty sure weren’t there anymore.  My anxiety and inability to stay present rose to incredibly high levels.

I tried writing today with very little success.  I managed to jot down a couple sloppy paragraphs.  But, my mind was being hi-jacked by my thoughts.

To get my mind off of things I made plans with a girl I see occasionally.  She was supposed to come over at 8 PM to hang out and have sex.  I received a text around 5:45 with her excuse of why she couldn’t make it.  She prefaced the text with, “please don’t hate me.”  This made me hate her a little bit more.

She wants to be my girlfriend, that’s the real problem.  I feel bad because she’s a good girl that deserves a good guy who wants to be with her.  I know I should cut this off before it ends poorly.  I also know that sometimes I want to be selfish.

I was annoyed and horny.  I hadn’t masturbated in over a week.  With my booty call flaking on me I knew I had to take matters into my own hands.  I went to work and It was glorious.  As I finished I asked myself why I don’t make time to do this more often anymore.

Two minutes after I finished it was like a cleaning service went to work on my mind.  All the clutter was removed and I could suddenly see things more clearly.  I realized I need to make clear cut decisions about what I want and go after it in a direct manner.  I need to be confident enough in myself to know that I can make it through whatever happens and stay on my path.  That’s more important to me than the actual outcome.

A friend once told me years ago that before I make a rash decision, masturbate first.  If I still want to do it afterwards, go for it.  That’s some pretty sound advice.

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