Tag: bumble

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Great….Another Dating App Post

 

My OCD now controls my use of dating apps.  I’m not talking interacting on dating apps, I mean the actual manner of how I use the apps.   There’s a process I have to stick to.

First, I only use the apps when I’m taking a shit.  I figure I’m stuck there for a couple of minutes, so I might as well make it me time and check out the dating world.  Occasionally I’ll still go on and swipe when I’m bored or I’m procrastinating at other times of the day.   But, It’s rare.  I do the majority of my dating work while sitting on the can.

Second, I must start out using Bumble.  I’m not sure why, but it’s what my brain tells me to do.  So I listen like a good little soldier.

I open the app and I hit the little blinky fucking diamond icon at the top right of the screen so I can see how many people swiped right for me.  There’s a preview that shows the number of possible matches you may have, but it doesn’t show you who they are.   The premium, paid version of bumble shows you who swiped right for you before you even come across them.  I don’t have bumble premium anymore because it depressed me too much.  I would go on and see all the monsters that swiped right for me and started to worry about my attractiveness.  I’m getting close to midlife crisis time and my ego is way to fucking fragile for that.  Plus it defeated the purpose of playing it like a game and I got bored quickly .

So anyway, I look at the number of possible matches then I start to swipe.  I’m incredibly OCD and need to swipe in batches of 10.  I can’t close the app or look at my matches until I hit a multiple of ten.  I count off each person one by one.  Sometimes, I’ll see how long I can keep swiping without matching in multiples of ten.  Those are usually really slow days in my life that I’m not proud of.

Third, I hit up tinder. I’m usually disgusted with what I see within 5-7 swipes.  I’m even more disgusted with myself that none of them found me attractive enough to match with me.  However, there’s times when I start off with 8-10 very attractive girls in their early twenties, which piques my interest.  I’ll swipe right vigorously on their pics.  I can feel myself making a pervy face and grunting when I do it.  After I don’t match with any of them In multiples of ten, I close the app, wipe my ass and go about my day.

You’re welcome dating world.

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Fuck You Dating World

 

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I’m not so proud to admit this, but when I’m bored, lonely or procrastinating (and I don’t feel like beating off anymore that day), I troll on dating apps.  When I feel this way, I’m not actually trying to meet anyone, I just want to feel better about myself or pass time until something more exciting happens in my life.   I jump from app to app on my phone – I have 3 or 5, I’m not certain.

I start out looking for girls I find attractive and I swipe right to see if we match .  Some days I’m on fire and I match with everyone I’m attracted too.  Today wasn’t that day.

I quickly progressed from looking for attractive women to, please, for the love of God will someone fucking match with me before I hate myself.  After 10 or so swipes right with no matches on multiple apps, I started looking at the girls a little differently.   I examined each girl and all of their pictures, trying to convince myself they were a good choice.  I sunk as low as reading their profiles trying to find something attractive about them.  I never fucking read profiles, who has time for that?  Still no matches.

As I expanded my preferences I lost more and more self-respect.  I was so desperate to feel validation and it wasn’t happening.  I was Super-Liking, asking girls about their day that had  matched with me weeks before.  I starving for attention like so many other sad sacks of shit out in the dating world.

Finally, I gave up and swiped right for everyone.  I never saw their pictures, I simply swiped.  I started counting: 46, 47, 68, 49, are you fucking kidding me? Nothing, not one single match.

I found myself angry at the Apps.  Clearly they must have a bug in them.  All of them.  It’s not me.

This went on for the better part of an hour.  I was defeated.  I couldn’t bring myself to do it anymore, so I went into the kitchen and made myself some dinner.  The meal consisted of the saddest chicken you have ever seen, some kale I pulled out of the bag and stuffed directly into my mouth, then I washed it all down with a tablespoon of olive oil.

Right now I want to jump right back on my phone.  I’m a glutton for punishment.  I’d go back to my old flip phone to avoid this, but then how would I watch porn?