I feel like I have nothing to say. My life feels empty and vapid. The only way I know how to deal with this feeling is by causing chaos and destruction.
Once I start to destroy my life thoroughly enough, I start to feel real pain. From that pain, I start to question my life and the direction I’m heading. I start to wonder about the principles my life is based on and what existence really is. Then I start to feel creativity and my voice returns.
I don’t know how to speak up when life is going well for me. I need to fuck things up in order to fight my way back. Maybe that’s the definition of a true loser; not being able to accept you’ve already won so you push yourself further into a game you don’t actually want to play. I don’t want to live a life based on materialism by keeping score on someone else scorecard. I’ll never live a fulfilling, satisfying life using those measurements and metrics.
I look at how I do everything in life and it’s simply consumption. I rarely enjoy all the wonderful things life offers. Instead of experiencing them, I devour them, looking to move onto whatever is next. I do this with food, sex, money, people.
When I’m inhaling a delicious meal in less then 5 minutes, I’m not savoring every bite, allowing myself to feel full. Instead I feel hungry for more. That’s emptiness in its purest form. I miss out on all the delicious flavors life offer when I don’t to slow down and actually taste them. That behavior creates a life lacking beauty and fulfillment. It’s dark and meaningless. It’s a life based on fear instead of love.
Even as I’m writing this, my mind can’t help itself from rushing me to finish. What’s next is always on my mind. There’s never contentment, only ambition. Maybe that’s why I choose the path of numbing myself with vices. Those moments keep me from thinking too much, at least for a little while. The first hit, first kiss, first bite of something decadent; those are the times when I’m present. It doesn’t last very long, but in those moments life seems worth living. There is some sense of meaning and more so a sense of appreciation for being alive. The irony is the aftermath of my actions leaves me feeling worse with my mind racing faster than ever.
I want to slow things down and return to real life so I can shut my mind off and “just be” for a while. I enjoy life more when I’m actually living it. Enjoying simple pleasures like going on walks and hiking with my dog. Having real conversations with others and actually listening for once in my life instead of waiting to speak or looking at my phone.
It’s may seem obvious to most people, but I never understood how amazing the real world is. I’m from the video game generation, I’ve always needed action and excitement. Something above and beyond needed to happen in order for me to enjoy myself. I never understood how unsustainable that was. If others can find a way to make that a work, I salute them.
Consumption leads to a life akin to being a hamster on a wheel. Pushing harder and harder to stay in the same place spiritually. Contentment and joy can’t live in that space. Life will never be fulfilling when you always expect fireworks. Life can be boring and tedious. Being able to find magic in the monotony of life is where contentment lives.
We’re all running a race with only one ending, death. If you can’t find joy in something so temporary, why play the game at all. Eventually there will be no “what’s next.” Breath into the painful moments and sink into the moments that are joyous. Stay in the joy and don’t consume it all at once. Enjoy the flavors, because before long, they will be gone.