Tag: ex girlfriends

whytheheLeave a comment

I Make Poor Choices

She fucking did to me again.  I can’t believe she lied this time.  Actually, I did it to myself, I know what I’m getting into.  I know how she struggles with telling the truth.  I really should only blame myself.

My ex and I started talking after an 8 month hiatus.  Long story short, we hung out last weekend.  Anyone who know us can tell exactly where this story is headed.  It’s always the same.  One or both of us fucks up and everything falls apart.  It all ends in tears or anger and everyone’s sad.  Wah boo hoo

She lied about fucking someone of course. I don’t even care she fucked someone else, I care she lied.  Yes, it’s none of my business because I’ve been sleeping with other people.  But, I asked her flat out and she lied to my face.  She could have told me the truth or chose to decline to answer.  Instead, she lied.

Now I’m annoyed at her and want to walk away.  But there is a part of me that I wants to be spiteful and get back at her.  But why?  I’ll be the one who ends up feeling like a dick and having to deal with the consequences of my actions.  Cleaning up the wreckage of using someone as a pawn to hurt her.  It’s childish, stupid and makes me want to slap myself.  But that’s where my brain still wants to go by default.

Einstein never actually said ” The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results,'” but whoever did was absolutely right.  I want her to change and be the person she used to be.  I know that’s wrong and I shouldn’t want to change her, but I do.  I want her to be better and hold me accountable to be better as well.  But my fantasy is far from reality.

I act like I’m her father-figure, telling her how she should be living her life.  Meanwhile I’m a hypocrite who keeps making shitty choices in my own life.  My need to control is one of my biggest character flaws and the reason many of my relationships fail.

I want to be a family with her and her son.  Being with them was the only time I ever felt connected to a family unit.  I cling to that feeling.  Occasionally I let it go, but somehow it brings me back.  I’m stuck in a loop. A loop of my doing.

Choices and actions dictate life.  Making shitty choices gets you stuck in a loop chasing your dick around like a toddler just hoping life will get better.  Making difficult, positive choices can feel uncomfortable and won’t guarantee your life will become everything you’ve ever imagined, but it’s an opportunity to get out of the vicious loop of insanity.  I’ve said it before, life boils down to three things: Action, choices and chances.  The more action you take, the better choices you make, the more chances you get at living the life you want.

whytheheLeave a comment

And Shes Back

eye

 Fucking your ex can be great.  But it’s like scratching your asshole.  Even though you know it’s going to feel good to get in there, eventually you’ll end up with shit on if you keep doing it.

I let a good one go.  She had a great career, great body, very driven and the sex was pretty good.  We spent several days a week together for a couple months.  I told her I liked her, which I did.  I broke my biggest dating rule by letting her sleep over.  I even asked her to stay over on more than one occasion.

The downside, she had a big head shaped kind of like Quagmire’s from Family Guy.  I have a big head; two big heads don’t go well together.  If we had a baby, the poor child would need a neck brace to keep his head from dragging behind him.

When she blew me I could feel her teeth.  She was very uptight when it came to butt stuff.  She was 27 and drove a new Subaru Forestor.  Who hell buys a new Subaru Forestor under the age of 40, who’s not a lesbian?  Overall I found her to be pretty fucking boring.

We both agreed neither of us wanted to be in a relationship.  After two months of dating, I could feel she wanted more.  I admit I may have acted in a manner that could give a girl the wrong impression.  Treating her well and letting her stay over was misleading.  But I’m a nice guy, I like making people feel good.

I never flip flopped when we spoke.  I repeatedly said I didn’t want a relationship and what we did when we weren’t together wasn’t was our own business.  Then one night she started breaking my balls and insulting me because I went to a strip club.  She apologized the next day, but the damage was done.  The relationship went down in flames and she left with hard feelings.

Then my ex floats back into my life and I allow it.  It started off causally with a couple of messages back and forth.  Within a week I had pictures of her naked and close ups of her pussy. Yes, I asked for them, so I can’t blame it all on her.  Now we talk every day.

A couple months ago I told her I no longer wanted to hook up with her, I only wanted to be friends.  She didn’t like that.  She’s used to getting her way with me.  When I stop paying attention to her she chases me.

At first, I stood my ground and stuck to my words.   That didn’t very last long.  Then I started giving her the attention she wanted, which bores her and makes her run away.  It’s a very healthy relationship.

This cycle has repeated itself so many times I can almost predict the exact timeline of how the situation will unfold.  Things will be fun, we will get together and have some great sex for a week or two.  Then something will happen, like her sleeping with someone else.  We will argue, I will spin out and we will stop talking for a couple weeks.  Then repeat.

I love her and her son.  I know this will end poorly, but I keep pushing forward and tempting fate.   I’m weak and stupid when it comes to them.  I deserve whatever I get.