I wrote this for myself a few months back.  I never planned on publishing it.  This post was originally titled “10 things I want to say to my ex.”  But I ended up with 11.  It’s kind of ironic because her and I used to play a game with the time, 11:11.  If one of us saw it on a clock we would text it to each other or yell it out before the other one could.

We haven’t spoken in several months.   It was always such bad timing for us.  Every time we were happy something came along and changed our relationship.

She reminds me of myself in so many ways when I was younger.  If we were able to speak there are a few things I would like to say to her.

1. I’m sorry – I’m sorry about how I handled all the change in my life.  I’m sorry you had to see me at such a low point.  I’m sorry I didn’t get help for my depression when you begged me to.  I’m sorry I hurt you and your son.  I was a judgmental asshole who projected all his own baggage and inner bullshit I carry around onto you.  I forced you to become a person you were not.
2. You’re a whore – As much as I don’t want to admit it there is still a part of me that is angry, resentful and hurt
3. Stop blaming other people for your problems – You’re better than that.  You constantly blamed issues in your life on what has occurred in the past.  You’ve become a volunteer victim.  Breaking this cycle is incredibly hard.  Its taken me 35 years to start doing it.  You are a strong person underneath all the pain.  You are a survivor.  Take responsibility for your life and your actions.  It will allow you to have a better life ten fold.
4. I hate who you have become – The last few months I was around you it was like spending time with a stranger.  There were occasions I saw the woman I fell in love with, but they were few and far between.  I look at pictures of you from this summer compared to when I last saw you and you’re not the same person.  This summer you looked fresh faced and full of life.  You had this light in your eyes.  Now that light has gone dark.
5. I hope you find yourself – You told me every that with every guy you have dated you took on their personality and made their interests yours.  You get lost in whatever some else likes because you don’t have a sense of self.  I think that may be one of the reasons you and I found each other at the time.  I have such a dominant and overpowering personality that you clung onto me.  Even though you weren’t into my lifestyle you still gave it your all.  You need to find out what you love and what makes you truly happy.  I hope you spend some time by yourself and figure out who you are.  Jumping from one guy to the next, like you have, will never allow for that.  I did that with women and it set me back many years.
6. Not everyone new is better –  You become infatuated with anyone who is new in your life.  All the new people who come into your life get all your mental and physical attention.  You talk about them constantly and put them on a pedestal.  It’s almost as if you wish you could have their lives just because they are different than yours.  You take some aspect of their life and you romanticize it to the point that these people can do no wrong.  The people in your life that have always been there for you, that have given you so much, you treat with little regard.  You seem to only care about them when they are useful to you.  Otherwise you treat them as a burden.
7. Relationships, like life, take hard work – I think this is a concept we both struggled with. Hard work, in most aspects of my life, has been something I have shied away from.  I remember you telling me you thought relationships should just work.  I’m not saying they should be as difficult as ours, but they require a lot of effort to be great.  This same rule applies for most things in life.
8. Be the amazing mother you once were – That’s one of the reasons I fell in love with you.  You were such an amazing mother.  Being a single parent has to be one of the hardest jobs in the world.  You have faced adversity and still gave so much love to your son.  The last couple months I was around you you were always hungover or too concerned with your phone and work while he was starving for your love and attention.
9. You’re beautiful – You don’t need to do the things you do for attention.  You are a beautiful person.  If you are confident in that and respect yourself the right people will come into your life.
10. Thank you – Thank you for the time we spent together; good and bad.  Thank you for allowing me to be in your sons life.  He taught me so much about myself and what I want in my life.  Thank you for hurting me as bad as you did when you ended things this summer.  If it had not hurt so much I may have never seen how unmanageable my life had become.  I may have have never stopped using pills.  I may have never got to this place in my life.  I am finally becoming happy and comfortable with who I am.
11. I love you – I’m not in love with you.  I don’t want to be with you.  I don’t even really want to see you again.  But, I love you.  I have compassion and love in my heart for you and your son. I keep the two of you in my prayers and  wish you a beautiful life.