Tag: humor

whytheheLeave a comment

Great….Another Dating App Post

 

My OCD now controls my use of dating apps.  I’m not talking interacting on dating apps, I mean the actual manner of how I use the apps.   There’s a process I have to stick to.

First, I only use the apps when I’m taking a shit.  I figure I’m stuck there for a couple of minutes, so I might as well make it me time and check out the dating world.  Occasionally I’ll still go on and swipe when I’m bored or I’m procrastinating at other times of the day.   But, It’s rare.  I do the majority of my dating work while sitting on the can.

Second, I must start out using Bumble.  I’m not sure why, but it’s what my brain tells me to do.  So I listen like a good little soldier.

I open the app and I hit the little blinky fucking diamond icon at the top right of the screen so I can see how many people swiped right for me.  There’s a preview that shows the number of possible matches you may have, but it doesn’t show you who they are.   The premium, paid version of bumble shows you who swiped right for you before you even come across them.  I don’t have bumble premium anymore because it depressed me too much.  I would go on and see all the monsters that swiped right for me and started to worry about my attractiveness.  I’m getting close to midlife crisis time and my ego is way to fucking fragile for that.  Plus it defeated the purpose of playing it like a game and I got bored quickly .

So anyway, I look at the number of possible matches then I start to swipe.  I’m incredibly OCD and need to swipe in batches of 10.  I can’t close the app or look at my matches until I hit a multiple of ten.  I count off each person one by one.  Sometimes, I’ll see how long I can keep swiping without matching in multiples of ten.  Those are usually really slow days in my life that I’m not proud of.

Third, I hit up tinder. I’m usually disgusted with what I see within 5-7 swipes.  I’m even more disgusted with myself that none of them found me attractive enough to match with me.  However, there’s times when I start off with 8-10 very attractive girls in their early twenties, which piques my interest.  I’ll swipe right vigorously on their pics.  I can feel myself making a pervy face and grunting when I do it.  After I don’t match with any of them In multiples of ten, I close the app, wipe my ass and go about my day.

You’re welcome dating world.

whytheheLeave a comment

You Little Blue Bastard

Sleeping on a plane is almost impossible.  Every Time I fall asleep, I wake up with horrible pain in my neck and back from being contorted in a very unnatural way for a man my size.

Currently, I’ve been on this plane to Salt Lake City for 3 hours and 45 minutes.  I took two Xanax as soon as the plane lifted up.  Fifteen minutes later I could feel myself slowing down and getting sleepy.  The prospect of sleeping for most of the plan ride made me extremely happy. I barely slept the night before and I was hoping to be well rested by the time I reached Utah. That wouldn’t be the case.

I first tried falling asleep with my body and head resting against the window (I was in the window seat).  Every time I would nod out for a few minutes, I would wake up with drool running down my face, horrible pain in my neck and complete numbness in my hands.  But I kept trying this position as it seemed to be the most promising for me, as I’ve slept this way on planes before.

After waking up every 15-20 minutes using the window-torture position,  as I like to call it, I knew I had to try other alternatives.  There was no one sitting into middle seat of my row.  I tried using that to my advantage by swinging my feet over to floor in front of the middle seat.  I angled myself diagonally in my seat allowing me to lay in a reclined position. This felt like it would be a winning position for me.  I was sure I would be putting my Xanax to good use.  (more…)

whytheheLeave a comment

15 Steps To Be An Ungrateful Dumb-Ass

head_up_ass 2

  1. Get liver cancer
  2. Have two major surgeries to get the liver tumors removed
  3. Once your health gets back on track and you’re feeling well, start making poor decisions
  4. Get drunk several times during the month
  5. Wake up the day after a drinking binge at 1 in the afternoon
  6. As soon as you get on your feet, vomit while trying to piece together how you got home
  7. Find several pictures in your phone you don’t remember taking
  8. Check Snapchat and see all the snaps you don’t remember posting
  9. Find your pants in the shower
  10. Come to the realization you drove home drunk
  11. Waste most the day sleeping on the
  12. Spend the few waking hours of your day laying on the couch, smoking weed, eating pizza and beating off
  13. Watch The Big Short and think about ways you too can conquer the stock market
  14. Fall asleep and wake up feeling shitty on Monday morning
  15. Piss part of Monday away as well.
There you have it.  The steps to being an ungrateful dumb-ass