Maybe I’ve Just Looked At It All Wrong

PERCEPTION

Single at 35, unsure about a career, living off my savings in a small apartment I rent with the only thing that loves me unconditionally, my dog.  I look at my life and feel like I am a failure.  I should own my own house, I can certainly afford it.  I should settle down, have a relationship and a family.  Live a more “normal” life.

People often tell me I need to put roots down and create a life somewhere.  But what if that’s not the path for me right now?  I have no urge to own my own house.  I only want a house because I am embarrassed by the fact I don’t own one at my age.  I’m embarrassed by how I choose to live even though I have the means to live much better.

I put all these outward expectations on myself.  I don’t live the life I envisioned I would at 35.  People probably look down on me and my behavior.  Wondering when I will pull my life together and “grow up.”  I beat the shit out of myself mentally and emotionally.  I have so much guilt and shame from my past and it spills over into how I judge my life today.

These past 5-6 months have been very difficult for me.  I lost my relationship with my girlfriend, her son and the life I thought I was going to live.  I am unhappy with my career choices.  I’m not making the type of money I am accustomed to.  Life has drastically changed in many ways.

During this time I have struggled with depression to the point that I have contemplated suicide on more than one occasion.  I have told myself that how I am living is unacceptable.  But why?  Who’s rules have I been living my life by?

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve fucked up a lot.  I have put life off for longer than I should.  Maybe I have Peter Pan Syndrome.  I’ve missed out on a lot of great opportunities and relationships in my life because of my choices.  However, those same choices are whats driving me to change my life for the better.

Fear is the driving force behind all my negative thoughts about my life.  Fear that I will never find someone to share my life with.  Fear that I will never have a family.  Fear that I wont be able to find success in the legitimate world.  Fear that I will end up like my father.  Fear that I will settle for a life less than I am capable of living.  Fear of making mistakes.  Fear of failure.  It’s this illusion of fear that I have allowed to run my life and keep me from living the life I deserve. (more…)

I Want To Be The Drunk Guy Dancing At The Bar

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I turned to my friends and said “look at those idiots, I’m so glad we don’t have to do that.”  I ridiculed the guys dancing at the bar, trying so desperately to meet girls.

In reality, most of the those people are out there living life and having fun.  They are the ones who have real courage.  They aren’t afraid to look foolish to people like me.  I sit back and judge, but often I don’t have the balls to be out there doing what they are.

Now I don’t necessarily want to be the drunk guy dancing like a maniac at the bar; even though I have.  However, in my mind, it’s a perfect analogy for people who do exactly what they feel like doing.  They don’t worry about other people’s judgments, they just go for it.  That’s the person I want to be in all aspects of my life.

For the last 10-15 years I was “too cool” to try new things.  I felt I didn’t need to do these activities because they were below someone like me.  It’s insane how I would spin this shit in my head.  The fact is I wasn’t confident in myself.  I feared how other people viewed me.  Deep down I looked up to those who conquered their fears and dance drunk at the bar.  They don’t seem to fear rejection.  They feel they have something to offer and aren’t afraid to prove it.

Years and years of getting what I wanted without having to try very hard put me at a disadvantage.  I missed out on an important skill set for a successful life.  The ability to deal with rejection and failure.

I listen to the voices in my head that tell me I can’t do things.  I’m not good enough or I don’t have the skills.  My mind will come up with any excuse why things won’t work out or why I didn’t really want something in the first place.  This is inner dialogue that wants to trap me and keep my life small.

Today I fear taking little risks like talking to strangers, starting new businesses, approaching a girl.  When I put that into perspective of how I have lived my life for the last 20 years it’s insane.  If I fail at talking to a girl, she tells me no and I feel a little embarrassed.  If I fail with a company, I may lose money and set myself back financially.  If I failed in my old lifestyle, I would have easily ended up doing 5-10 years in jail.  To a normal, well adjusted adult this equation doesn’t add up.

For the longest time I rarely second guessed what I was doing.  I knew the consequences of my actions, as well as the repercussions that came along with my choices.  But, it seemed worth it somehow.  Part of me felt I didn’t have anything to lose at the time.  I became a victim of my own circumstances.  I convinced myself this was how I wanted to live my life.  Don’t get me wrong, at times I was scared for my freedom and there were many sleepless night.

Normal, healthy risks in life scare the shit out of me.  I create irrational thought processes in my head based on fear.  Even when there is no evidence anything horrible will happen.  To quote Jamie Foxx, “on the other side of fear there is nothing.”  There is no definite outcomes in life, only what we can create.

Doing the same thing every day is my nightmare – A fate worse than death.  Turning today into an experiment makes life exciting.  What can accomplish and how can I make progress?  Answering those questions makes my life worth living.  If I’m lucky (I use that word in loosest sense) things may even go my way.  I will taste success that day.

When I try something new I build confidence in who I am and what I can endure.  I reinforce the lesson that pain and rejection won’t kill me.  I can’t dwell on the past or worry about the future because my mind is forced to be present and focused on what is occurring this very second.   That’s what being alive is about; living right now.  Nothing can every happen in the past or the future, because all there is is now.

Quieting the noise that goes on in our mind’s establishes mental freedom.  Tune those voices out and see how much better your life becomes.  Go out, get hammered and dance your ass off to whatever song you choose.