How I Got Here – Gains vs Loses

I lost it all. At least that’s how I felt.  No more steady high dollar income, no more life of crime, no more single life and no more steroids.

My life changed drastically 4 years ago. Some of the changes were voluntary, while others were forced upon me. Instead of appreciating what I would gain in my new life, I could only focus on what I no longer had.

My ex-girlfriend and I were moving in together to start a life as a family with her son. He was 3 at the time and I wasn’t going to allow him to be raised around a man who was selling drugs. He deserved better than that.  So I quit my lucrative profession of choice for the last 20 years and I had no idea what I was going to do.

Luckily, I had saved up a nice nest egg to make sure we would be well taken care of for a couple years. However, I totally lost perspective of that.  All I could think about was what in the hell was I going to do now.

I was lost and I certainly didn’t have the work ethic to go work for someone else. My ego told me that was beneath me.  I was an entrepreneur, so I had to figure out a way to be my own boss. It’s amazing what ego and arrogance can lead you to believe.

I was forced to give up using steroids because a scan found pool ball sized tumors on my liver. The doctors told me they were liver adenomas from using steroids and I had to quit using immediately. Two years later I found out they were cancerous and had be removed, but that’s a story for another time.

I had been using steroids off and on for the last 10 years. The last 2-3 years I used them continuously.  I was obsessed with how I looked and how “big” my muscles were. If I had to rank the importance in my life, it was in the top 3 things I cared about most.

Without steroids my muscles quickly diminished and my clothes no longer fit like they once did.  I would put on a shirt I used to love and have a meltdown complaining about how it used to fit.  I lost 15 pounds in a couple weeks. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror without clothes on. (more…)

You Walked Out Again – A Post Surgical Diatribe


I’m frightened, anxious and filled with disappointment.  You walked out on me when I needed you the most for a third time.

The first time I don’t blame you, It was my fault.  In many ways I’m thankful you couldn’t handle my actions anymore.  It forced me to change my life and become who I am today.  I don’t think I could be this person without that pain of losing you and your son.

I’m sorry, that’s for sure.  I wish I could be who I am today without having hurt you both.  It’s the last thing I ever wanted to do.  But, I did it.  Theres no denying that.  The guilt and shame I feel from it are horrible.  That’s part of the reason I am trying to get you back today.  I want to fix the wreckage and give us the life we all wanted so much two years months ago.

The second time, when I found out about Brett, all I wanted was for you to reach and talk to me.  Prove you cared. I was heartbroken and devastated.  My world had been torn to pieces.  You should appreciate and understand that feeling.  It’s what you told me I did to you when we moved in together.

But you never reached out to me or made any real effort.  The picture you sent me on my birthday of your son holding the card he made for me only felt like manipulation.  Not something out of love.  It broke my heart not to respond.  I wanted to be with him more than anything in the world for my birthday day.  I wanted the card and drawing he made for me.  I still want them.  I save anything he ever gave me.

He means the world to me.  I look at him like he’s my own son.  I love him.  I truly love him.  Maybe I’m selfish for wanting back in his life after all of this.  I see myself as a child in him.  I want to give him everything I wanted when I was his age.  A loving family, a dog, a positive male role model.  I want to help him grow into an amazing man.

I probably am being selfish, look how many times I said I. He showed me a life that’s truly worth living.  A life I never understood or appreciated.  I want to give back to him for that.  I’m scared and sad to think that the only way I can prove I love him is to step out of his life forever.

As I approached my first round of surgery you walked out for the final time.  I wanted so badly for you to come see me before surgery.  I wanted to lay in bed with you naked, kiss you, touch you, make love to you, hold you in my arms.  But I guess that wasn’t in the cards.  I struggle because I know I most likely wont be able to do that again anytime soon.  Or Possibly ever if we stop speaking. (more…)