I hadn’t finished cuming yet, but all I could think about was clicking the X on the browser. Remorse set in. The feeling of disgust overwhelmed my body. I wanted it to stop. Why did I watch that? And more importantly how did that turn me on?
I’m not certain what makes me watch the things I do when I masturbate. Maybe I’m a sick pervert. That’s entirely possible. Most women I have dated would probably agree.
Like most of the world I have become desensitized to much of what I see. Porn is no different. I’ve watched too much for too long I suppose. The basic vanilla scene just won’t cut it. Hell, double-stuffed anal won’t cut it these days.
I’m always pushing the limits of what I consider to be appealing. I can’t get hard if I’m not looking at something I find completely revolting as soon as I finish. It’s a strange phenomenon.
Trying to watch the rest of the scene once I’ve finished is torture. I sit there trying to figure out exactly what turned me on about an 87 year old lady going down on an a midget and a rough-around-the-edges 21 year old girl. Or why I googled “gross porn” to begin with.
Watching all of these horrible, disturbing scenes has nearly ruined my sex life. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to partake in type of stuff I watch, at least not all of it. But normal sex with an attractive girl isn’t quite as exciting once you have witnessed what my eyes have seen. I have to close my eyes and picture some deviant sex acts so I can finish. I don’t want the girl to feel like something is wrong with her because I can’t cum.
I’m not blaming porn for my problems. It’s absolutely me. I’ve always been the type that has to push things further and further to see what happens. Sometimes my inclination to push things to the limit has benefited my life greatly. Not in this case though.
Occasionally I stop masturbating all together. Mainly because I’m bored with what I’ve seen and I don’t want to explore new realms of porn. I can’t handle it. Finding something new that turns me on is exhausting work. I can spend 30-45 minutes perusing different categories until I find something that works. That’s before I even start on myself. No one wants to put that much effort into masturbation. I don’t put that much effort into preparing my food for the day and I love eating.
I’m debating starting a support group for this behavior. There’s probably already something in place, but I want my group to be more fun. I’ve talked to some friends who seem to share my predilection for masturbating to sex acts that make them question their life. At least I’m not alone, that’s comforting. There might be a recovery for us all and we can go back to being excited with basic guy-on-girl action.