Pass The Tissues For A Little DVDA


I hadn’t finished cuming yet, but all I could think about was clicking the X on the browser.  Remorse set in.  The feeling of disgust overwhelmed my body.  I wanted it to stop.  Why did I watch that?  And more importantly how did that turn me on?

I’m not certain what makes me watch the things I do when I masturbate.  Maybe I’m a sick pervert.  That’s entirely possible.  Most women I have dated would probably agree.

Like most of the world I have become desensitized to much of what I see.  Porn is no different.  I’ve watched too much for too long I suppose.  The basic vanilla scene just won’t cut it.  Hell, double-stuffed anal won’t cut it these days.

I’m always pushing the limits of what I consider to be appealing.  I can’t get hard if I’m not looking at something I find completely revolting as soon as I finish.  It’s a strange phenomenon.

Trying to watch the rest of the scene once I’ve finished is torture.  I sit there trying to figure out exactly what turned me on about an 87 year old lady going down on an a midget and a rough-around-the-edges 21 year old girl.  Or why I googled “gross porn” to begin with.

Watching all of these horrible, disturbing scenes has nearly ruined my sex life.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to partake in type of stuff I watch, at least not all of it.  But normal sex with an attractive girl isn’t quite as exciting once you have witnessed what my eyes have seen.  I have to close my eyes and picture some deviant sex acts so I can finish.  I don’t want the girl to feel like something is wrong with her because I can’t cum.

I’m not blaming porn for my problems.  It’s absolutely me.  I’ve always been the type that has to push things further and further to see what happens.  Sometimes my inclination to push things to the limit has benefited my life greatly.  Not in this case though.

Occasionally I stop masturbating all together.  Mainly because I’m bored with what I’ve seen and I don’t want to explore new realms of porn.  I can’t handle it.  Finding something new that turns me on is exhausting work.  I can spend 30-45 minutes perusing different categories until I find something that works.  That’s before I even start on myself.  No one wants to put that much effort into masturbation.  I don’t put that much effort into preparing my food for the day and I love eating.

I’m debating starting a support group for this behavior.  There’s probably already something in place, but I want my group to be more fun.  I’ve talked to some friends who seem to share my predilection for masturbating to sex acts that make them question their life.  At least I’m not alone, that’s comforting.  There might be a recovery for us all and we can go back to being excited with basic guy-on-girl action.



Sometimes You Gotta Clean the Pipes

pipe-cleaningAs soon as I came everything was so much clearer.

All day I moped around and struggled to deal with my feelings.   My body felt like it was shutting down from all the partying these past few weekends.  I couldn’t think straight.  I went back and forth in my mind hemming and hawing over decisions I wasn’t ready to make.

I made a trip to Baltimore this weekend to attend a friend’s birthday dinner.   I used that as an excuse to text my ex-girlfriend and ask her if we could get a drink and talk.  She told me she wasn’t sure.  Then immediately said she would meet me.

Now I know damn well this wasn’t the best idea.  But I wanted to do it, so I did.  It wasn’t a horrible experience.  I hadn’t seen her for the better part of six months.  Feelings came back that I was pretty sure weren’t there anymore.  My anxiety and inability to stay present rose to incredibly high levels.

I tried writing today with very little success.  I managed to jot down a couple sloppy paragraphs.  But, my mind was being hi-jacked by my thoughts.

To get my mind off of things I made plans with a girl I see occasionally.  She was supposed to come over at 8 PM to hang out and have sex.  I received a text around 5:45 with her excuse of why she couldn’t make it.  She prefaced the text with, “please don’t hate me.”  This made me hate her a little bit more.

She wants to be my girlfriend, that’s the real problem.  I feel bad because she’s a good girl that deserves a good guy who wants to be with her.  I know I should cut this off before it ends poorly.  I also know that sometimes I want to be selfish.

I was annoyed and horny.  I hadn’t masturbated in over a week.  With my booty call flaking on me I knew I had to take matters into my own hands.  I went to work and It was glorious.  As I finished I asked myself why I don’t make time to do this more often anymore.

Two minutes after I finished it was like a cleaning service went to work on my mind.  All the clutter was removed and I could suddenly see things more clearly.  I realized I need to make clear cut decisions about what I want and go after it in a direct manner.  I need to be confident enough in myself to know that I can make it through whatever happens and stay on my path.  That’s more important to me than the actual outcome.

A friend once told me years ago that before I make a rash decision, masturbate first.  If I still want to do it afterwards, go for it.  That’s some pretty sound advice.

I Can’t Write With My Dick In My Hand

“I should probably beat off. ”  I’m not sure why, but that’s the first thing that pops into my mind when I’m writing and get the slightest bit stuck.   I literally catch myself inching my hand off the keyboard and moving it towards my dick when the words aren’t flowing the way I want.  It’s this subconscious mechanism in my brain that tells me “This is hard work; jerking off would really help this process.”

american_reunionEven though I love writing and it makes me happy, I seem to love masturbation more.  I’m rarely disappointed when I finish masturbating.  Plus I always know the outcome and it takes much less effort.   With writing, sometimes I turn out junk that’s completely unusable and it takes me quite a long time.  Advantage, masturbation.

Some days I spend so much time going back in forth in my head about whether or not I should take a break to jerk off that I forget what I’m writing about.  It starts to consume me.  My focus becomes less on what I’m writing and more about why I shouldn’t masturbate.  I spend hours staring at my computer screen having this internal battle.

Then I start to lie to myself.  I manipulate my brain into believing that if I get this pent up feeling out, it will clear my head and I will be able to focus on my work. That’s usually the furthest thing from the truth.  As soon as I cum I don’t want to write or create.  All I usually want to do is eat some food, relax and maybe read or listen to some music.

Often I cave in to my urge.  It starts with me opening a new browser and pulling up one of my favorite sites.  I peruse a bit and get a little taste of what’s out there for me to watch.  I’ll start texting girls.  Maybe send out a couple dick pics, see if I can strike up some sex talk and possibly get them to send me some naked pictures.  It all devolves from there.

However, There are occasions when I get to the point of no return and stop.   I get all worked up and ready to go and then I tell myself, “No,  I have to focus on writing and get this post done.”  I make a deals in my head that as soon as I’m finished I can reward myself by jerking off.

At 35 it’s a daily struggle to do real work without ending up with my dick in my hand.  I’m starting to wonder if this is something I should just commit to before I start writing.  Take care of business beforehand so that it’s no longer an issue while I’m writing.  Looking at it with the same mindset of not going out on a date with a loaded gun.  Making sure I have clean pipes so I can think straight and my conversation doesn’t seem to desperate or eager.

Maybe that needs to be my new ritual.  It will be an experiment moving forward.  With my mind clear of these thoughts it’s possible the words will flow better and my posts will improve.  Life’s all about trial and error in order to learn and get better at you what do.

As a reader you can take comfort in knowing that I did not masturbate while writing this post.  You’re welcome.