Turn Down the Noise


My natural instinct is to distrust everyone.  If you give me a compliment, I think you’re lying and want something from me.  If a girl sends me a picture, I ask who else she sent them too.  If you pitch me a business deal, more than likely I assume you want to rip me off.

I find myself becoming insecure over the littlest things lately.  Everyone is out to get me.  My business partners want to screw me, friends are lying to me, women are holding things back from me.  It’s an insane amount of paranoia.  I haven’t been this far off the mark in a long time.  It’s addict behavior at it’s finest.

My mind is going a million miles a minute trying to figure out every angle every person is playing.  I waste more time in a day playing out these insane, nightmare scenarios in my head than I spend on making my life better.

I want instant gratification.  If I don’t get immediate results something must be wrong.  I want to control everything and everyone.  My thoughts are racing and I can’t find peace.

That’s when I know it’s time to take a step back and slow down.  I can’t  have any serenity when I can’t be in control of my thoughts and actions.  I needed to write this post as a reminder of how to get myself grounded again.

There are only a few ways I know how to silence my evil master (my mind). (more…)

Fuck I Don’t Feel Like Writing


“So baby girl put it on me!”

I can’t get Ja Rule out of my head.

Its playing on my Spotify in the background.  I never write while listening to music.  I usually can’t concentrate unless I have silence.  But today I’m not sure what to write about.  Or if this will turn into anything other than a draft that sits on the back-end of my site forever.

I’m sitting on my couch with a smile on my face.  My dog’s sprawled out next to me sleeping the morning away.  It’s one of those funny mornings where I know I have a ton to do today, but I’m not stressing.  I’m trying my hardest to stay present and enjoy my day as it comes.

Too often I stress the future and what I feel needs to happen.  I can’t sit still and focus on whats happening in the present.  I want to get to these future events and get them over with.

I’m not sure why I feel that way.  I don’t know if it’s that I feel there is a void in my life right now or if it’s because I haven’t achieved a certain goal yet.  Possibly its the anxiety and fear of not knowing how it will play out.  The one thing I do know is that the the anticipation and the process of getting to wherever I want to be in life tends to be the most exciting part.

One of my favorite lines from any movie sums up these thoughts so perfectly:

“It not about the past or what you think might happen in the future, its about the ride for Christ Sake. There’s no point in going through all this crap if you’re not going to enjoy the ride.  And you know what?  When you least expect it something great might come along – Something better than you even planned for”

Listening to those words always makes me smile and puts life in perspective for me.  Something as simple as taking one minute to watch a clip of a movie can completely change my outlook for the day.  Gleaning little pearls of wisdom from all aspects of life helps me get a better understanding of myself and how I should live.  Appreciating each day for what it is; a gift.

I may not have all the things I want in my life today, but I have what I need.  Hell, I have more than I need.  At some point I may even want to getting rid of some of the possessions I have.

Life is a journey not a destination.  Trite but true.  A journey that is difficult and painful, but rewarding.  Reminding myself of this allows me to slow down and appreciate things as they come.  I don’t have to worry about filling a void or achieving a goal right this second.  The most important thing I can do is enjoy this moment because it will not come again.

How I Sabotaged my day

Sabotage (1)

Waking up a bit hungover, after only getting four hours of sleep, wasn’t the best start to my Monday.  Sunday had been a good night.  Lots of laughs, a couple drinks, good company and it ended with the best blow job I have gotten in years.  All and all not a bad night.

I rolled around in bed for a good hour trying to fall back asleep before I made the executive decision to get up.  I had no plan for my day.  No goals or to do list.  I knew I needed to workout, take my dog to the park, read and write.  But I was shooting in the dark without any real structure.

I ate breakfast and tried to write for an hour before I went to gym.  I was quickly thrown off course when I checked the price of gold and saw it had skyrocketed.  I invest in some ETF’s based off of golds movement.  I checked my Sharebuilder account to see how much I had lost on paper.  Then I rechecked my account every two minutes for the next hour.  My OCD got the best of me.

Once I pulled myself out of obsessing over lost money I tried to write again.  I stared at my computer screen for about 5 minutes and decided to hit them gym.  I had already wasted most of my morning and was antsy to get moving.  Although my workout was subpar, I was happy I took care of one item on my mental check list.

Then came the texts!  One after the next from friends of mine complaining about issues they’re having in their lives.  Being the amazing, problem solving, self-indulgent friend that I am, I quickly doled out advice I knew none of them would follow.  Once again proving that I am the center of my own little universe and people need me to survive.

Then I had the nerve to get annoyed with my friends because they kept texting me for hours.  I could have stopped replying.  I even went as far as to text other people and tell them my day had the life drained out of it from everyone complaining to me about their lives.  Hypocrisy at its finest.

After I ate dinner I started reading.  I kept thinking about how much more I should have accomplished earlier in the day.  That thought process ate up more of my time wasting energy focusing on the past and what I should have done than actually reading.

By the time I got around to writing it was late.  I was already half checked out.  I started making a post, but I couldn’t get any traction.  So I moved to the next logical step.  I went on Facebook made a post babbling about the riots in Baltimore and called it a night.

This is how easily I can sabotage my day when I have no structure and my mind isn’t primed first thing in the morning.  I can waste 24 hours getting as little possible as done.  All while giving myself enough excuses not hate myself too much for flushing a day down the toilet.

Dealing with Crippling Anxiety and Fear This Morning

I went to bed last night feeling well and free looking for to the day ahead, but my mind and my dreams had other plans.  I woke up in a mental prison.   I was covered in sweat feeling like the flu hit me.  It wasn’t the flu that had me paralyzed to the point I couldn’t get out of bed.  It was my mind. My fear and anxiety crippled me.  I was pretty sure the day was over before it began.  The Struggles with my life I have been facing had apparently snowballed overnight.  They all flooded me at once.  It was too much.  Thoughts were racing through my head about my business, my life, my ex.  Thoughts of how the stress is eating up my muscle causing me to lose weight and get ill.  The stress is causing my already thin head of hair to fall out quicker.  Over and over again the same thing replayed in my head.  I’m lost and I’m not making progress!

After about 90 minutes of laying in my bed, tossing back and forth, I decided I had to get up and drink my morning shake.   As soon as I swallowed the last gulp I stormed back into the safety of my bed.  I cuddled with my dog for a little bit.  Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and I got up and sat on the couch.  My hands and body were trembling.  It was as if I had done too much speed.  My brain was causing the rest of my body to get totally out of whack.  I knew I had to take action an do something to get out of my head.

The first step was to try the mindful awareness app that had been sitting unused on my phone for months. My therapist had recommended it as a way to  to help center myself.  The app made a slight difference, calming my breathing and allowing me feel the spots where the anxiety was resonating from.  It wasn’t enough to get me off the couch.

Next I went to YouTube and looked up motivational videos.  I watch a few until something clicked.  This video spoke to me for some reason.  I played it repeatedly until I worked up enough energy to take a shower and head to the gym.  I literally listened to this video for the better part of two hours.  The strength I found in the words I heard got me out my house and through my workout.

The most impactful part of the video for me was when they discussed “yet.”  The speaker talked about how people put in the effort and they keep pushing and pushing, but they aren’t getting to where they see others or where they want to be.  They are giving it there all and putting everything they have into their life but it just hasn’t happened “yet.”  That three letter word, yet, gave me hope.  It fueled a fire inside of me to do my best with what I had today.

On many days like this I would look at how late it had gotten before I got out of bed and given up on the day.  Before the day had even started I would have looked at it at a failure.  I would tell myself tomorrow would be better.  Then I realized all was ok.  There was still plenty of time in the day to make it great.  I can still accomplish and build today.  there is no reason to trade today in and take a mulligan. I Forgave myself for feeling defeated.  In my head I made the choice to make the best day I was capable of.

This morning allowed me to revisit several principles the world and others have taught me over the years:

  1. Even though I hurt like hell it didn’t kill me
  2. My life is much better and more fulfilling than I give it credit for
  3. I do not have the answers to my life right now and that’s ok
  4. The human mind is so powerful that it can be my best asset or my worst enemy
  5. I can’t always control my feelings but I can control how I let them affect me
  6. The only way to get out of my head and feel better is to take action

Even though I didn’t know what to do or how to make myself feel better, I still took action.  That was the only cure for my situation. Action allowed me to change my outlook.  If one thing doesn’t work I have to change my approach and try something else.  I needed action to get out of my head and refocus my thoughts.  To give me the strength and energy to get through the day.

The universe, God or whoever; taught me a valuable lesson today.  Like most experiences in life I need to look at the pain I went through with gratitude for the knowledge I have gained.  Now I have a plan for tomorrow or any other day in case I wake up feeling the same way.  I have created a contingency plan.  I know the steps I can take if I feel this way again.  I have the app ready to go and I have new motivational videos lined up to to watch.  If those things aren’t enough I have articles ready to read, podcasts to listen to and people who I can talk to.

It was a reminder that every day I need to create, build and live the best life I can.  Some days little victories like getting out of bed are a huge success.  I have to take these little successes and allow them to accumulate to bigger successes.  Before I know it life has a way of shifting itself from fathom to abundance.  When I look at very successful people I know, they key seems to be humbleness and humility.  To do the right things on both parts of the spectrum and to show appreciation and gratitude for the life you live.