And Shes Back


 Fucking your ex can be great.  But it’s like scratching your asshole.  Even though you know it’s going to feel good to get in there, eventually you’ll end up with shit on if you keep doing it.

I let a good one go.  She had a great career, great body, very driven and the sex was pretty good.  We spent several days a week together for a couple months.  I told her I liked her, which I did.  I broke my biggest dating rule by letting her sleep over.  I even asked her to stay over on more than one occasion.

The downside, she had a big head shaped kind of like Quagmire’s from Family Guy.  I have a big head; two big heads don’t go well together.  If we had a baby, the poor child would need a neck brace to keep his head from dragging behind him.

When she blew me I could feel her teeth.  She was very uptight when it came to butt stuff.  She was 27 and drove a new Subaru Forestor.  Who hell buys a new Subaru Forestor under the age of 40, who’s not a lesbian?  Overall I found her to be pretty fucking boring.

We both agreed neither of us wanted to be in a relationship.  After two months of dating, I could feel she wanted more.  I admit I may have acted in a manner that could give a girl the wrong impression.  Treating her well and letting her stay over was misleading.  But I’m a nice guy, I like making people feel good.

I never flip flopped when we spoke.  I repeatedly said I didn’t want a relationship and what we did when we weren’t together wasn’t was our own business.  Then one night she started breaking my balls and insulting me because I went to a strip club.  She apologized the next day, but the damage was done.  The relationship went down in flames and she left with hard feelings.

Then my ex floats back into my life and I allow it.  It started off causally with a couple of messages back and forth.  Within a week I had pictures of her naked and close ups of her pussy. Yes, I asked for them, so I can’t blame it all on her.  Now we talk every day.

A couple months ago I told her I no longer wanted to hook up with her, I only wanted to be friends.  She didn’t like that.  She’s used to getting her way with me.  When I stop paying attention to her she chases me.

At first, I stood my ground and stuck to my words.   That didn’t very last long.  Then I started giving her the attention she wanted, which bores her and makes her run away.  It’s a very healthy relationship.

This cycle has repeated itself so many times I can almost predict the exact timeline of how the situation will unfold.  Things will be fun, we will get together and have some great sex for a week or two.  Then something will happen, like her sleeping with someone else.  We will argue, I will spin out and we will stop talking for a couple weeks.  Then repeat.

I love her and her son.  I know this will end poorly, but I keep pushing forward and tempting fate.   I’m weak and stupid when it comes to them.  I deserve whatever I get.

I Just Wanted To Say, I Forgive You


I wrote this almost 3 years ago.  Far before I realized I enjoyed writing or had any urge to start a blog and share my thoughts.  My therapist told me writing a letter to my father may help mitigate the anger, pain and resentment I felt towards him.

I completely forgot I wrote this letter.  It was tucked away in the notes on my phone.  I happen to come across it tonight while doing some electronic organizing.   I juI never sent the letter to him, that wasn’t the point.  I never intended to share it with anyone.  But here it is.

This is the note in it’s entirety, with spelling and grammar errors.  I wanted to share it as it was originally written, with all its flaws.


I am writing this letter to say a few things. These things are not necessarily as much for you as they are for me. I have lived my life following in your footsteps in many ways. I made bad choices in regards to a career path and choose to never give up a certain lifestyle. Even when I was at ADP and successful I never could give up the other side of my life, the same route you went. I have seen where that got you and I do not want that for my life. I have talked a big game about getting out and finally making things work in the legit world with my businesses. I have had several failed businesses just like you , but I finally have one that has a chance and is growing pretty well since I started it over the last two years. I am so close to quitting all the bullshit and being done, but I am terrified to do so because of the money, the lifestyle and the not knowing who I am or what to do once that ride is over.

I need to tell you I forgive you, in order to forgive myself and let go of all the anger and hatred I have for you. You were extremely abusive mentally, emotionally and at times physically. You always pushed people away that cared for you by your actions. I have become the same way, especially towards the woman in my life and have lost several good ones in the process ( the only part I have not been is physically abusive). (more…)

Who Wants To Follow Their Own Advice?


Sometimes I love playing the victim.  I don’t realize it at the time, but that’s exactly what I am doing.  I look at my circumstances or how someone has “wronged me” and I feel sorry for myself.

I vent to my friends in order to validate my own feelings.  I gossip and spin my stories to manipulate the situation.  I want people on my side when things go wrong so they can pick me up, tell me everything will be ok and that I deserve better.  It’s all about ME and MY feelings.

I don’t want to take accountability for my part.  I entered, or re-entered at times, relationships with the understanding of who these people are.  Being naive enough to hope they will change or act the way I see fit.

That’s called being a volunteer victim.  I see countless people playing this role every day.  I despise it, it’s one of my pet peeves.  I call my friends out on it every time I spot the behavior.  Then I turn around and act this way myself.  I’m a hypocrite.

I have lofty expectations others can’t fulfill.  That’s the first problem.  Placing my expectations on anyone else is setting them up for failure.  Any pain and suffering I experience because of the relationship is my fault.

I invest time and emotions into people with poor track records.  Knowing deep down I will ultimately be disappointed and let down.  That was my choice to make.  I knew better and still decided to proceed forward anyway.  I can’t blame others for doing what they always do

It’s the story of The Scorpion and the Frog.  The scorpion asks the frog if he can ride on his back across the river because he cannot swim.  The frog asks, “How do I know that if I try to help you, you won’t try to kill me?”  The scorpion assures the frog he wouldn’t do that because it would leave to his demise as well.  Half way across the river the scorpion stings the frog.  Before the frog dies he says, “You fool, why would you do that now we will both die.”  The scorpions only response was, “I could not help myself. It is my nature.” (more…)

Assessing Appropriate Value

The word 'Worth' highlighted in green, under the heading 'Value'

Gauging by many of the investments in my portfolio, Assessing value isn’t my strong point.  The same holds true for the emphasis I place on my relationships.   The most important non-renewable resource I know of is time .  I understand it’s limited and finite, yet I squander it frequently.

I don’t “charge” people enough for my time.  When I say charge I’m not only talking about money; I also mean the currency of loyalty, reciprocity, respect and dependability.  I don’t value my own time enough so how can I expect others to value it in a manner I see fit.

The sad fact is there are several people who try hard to be involved with my life.  They communicate with me and try unrelentingly to be close with me.  Many of those same people receive the least of my time and effort.  Especially when it comes to women.  I love chasing after women and fighting for their attention and affection.  Tupac may have been onto something when he said “Hate to sound sleazy, but tease me, I don‘t want it if it’s that easy.”

In my professional life I’m learning to discern between the activities that are worthy of my time vs. wastes of my time.  In the past, I would kill myself, without hesitation, to perform menial tasks without taking into account the limited return on time invested.  I felt it needed to be done right away and if I didn’t do it no one would.  This isn’t the case.  I can’t be lazy and put things off for no good reason, but not everything requires my attention at that moment.

In partnership and salary negotiations I came in meek and got taken.  I was a partner in a night club several years back.  I was 26 when I first invested.  I didn’t understand the way these negotiations worked.

I allowed the partners who were raising capital to value my points without contest.  They told me what they wanted to charge and I wasn’t comfortable enough in valuing my resources that I agreed.  I never went back with a counter offer. Hell, I almost allowed them to raise the original valuation and charge me more for no other reason than they hadn’t budgeted the build out costs correctly. (more…)

Do Numbers Matter?


I used to keep a list of all the girls I slept with.  I cherished my list.  It was kept tucked away in a safe spot for my eyes only.  It was comprised of mostly first names, nicknames or the location we had sex.  Very few full names appeared on the list.  I rarely knew the person long enough to find out her last name.  Or I didn’t care enough to ask, one of the two.

When I was 27 I moved in with my girlfriend and destroyed the list.  It was the first time I had ever lived with someone I dated and getting rid of it seemed appropriate.  I won’t get into how many names were on the list, but it was enough to make most people judge me.

Keeping a list was incredibly immature.  It’s how I kept tally of how “manly” I was.  I would joke and brag about it to my friends.  It was essentially my way of having a dick measuring contest, without the embarrassment of having to measure my dick.

To this day, I find myself counting the number of girls I slept with in a given time frame.  I keep a mental list and use it to validate myself that I still have “it.”  Whatever “it” is.

After my break up all I wanted to do what get laid to prove that I still could.  I needed to show the world I was back and I was desirable.  Women wanted to sleep with me God damn it!  It felt like a right of passage as a man.

In February I broke out of my brooding slump and found myself attracting women pretty easily.  I got on a roll and was knocking them down one after the other.  I was on a heater!  It was as if my penis was struck by lightning and women could feel the electricity.  That’s probably a bad analogy, but my dating and sex life were on a meteoric rise. (more…)

About A Boy

Without even recognizing it, uncomfortable emotions have crept up on me again this year.  My Ex and I have been off and on for the past three years.  This time has been the longest of our break ups.  Each time we have split up we started talking on Mother’s Day and end up back together around Memorial Day.

We rush back into our relationship blindly without looking at the past wreckage we both have caused.  Ultimately the results are always the same.  It doesn’t work out because we have never resolved our past issues.  We take what we feel is a serendipitous reconnection and impulsively jump back into our relationship.

This year I am able to step back and assess my past relationship with her with a more discerning eye.  Too much has occurred between us for me to want to be with her again at this point.  I can’t allow myself to be hurt, or to hurt her, again knowing full well what has happened in the past.  At least that’s what I am telling myself.

The most regrettable part of this story is that she has a son who had to go through all this.   He deserves better than what her and I created.  I haven’t seen him in a little over four months now.  He’s the greatest little guy I have ever met.  I love him like he is my own.  I miss spending time with him playing , building Legos, and the bond we shared.

If I am being truthful, the reason I reached out to her on Mothers day is because I miss him.  I want to be a part of his life again.  When her and I broke up the last time we made an agreement I would stay in his life for as long as he wanted to see me.  I stuck to this agreement and saw him every other weekend for the next nine months.  However, I got to a point that I could no longer be around her.  It was unhealthy for everyone.

Unfortunately that meant I couldn’t see him anymore either.  I never wanted to stop being a part of his life, but I could no long be a part of her’s.

When I spoke with her yesterday I asked if I could see him again.  She told me she didn’t think that could happen.  She said he has struggled to adapt to no longer seeing me and she doesn’t want to confuse him further.  She went on to tell me how he talks about me and my dog often and wants to see us so bad.  Hearing her tell me that broke my heart.

She also mentioned that she wanted to protect herself from getting confused and backtracking in her life.  I can appreciate and respect what she said because the last thing I want to do is hurt either of them again.  I made it clear I don’t want to be with her or interfere with her current relationship.

She expressed that I was supposed to in his life as a step father.  She felt if I was to see him again he would be confused and want the three of us to do things together again and eventually he would want me to stay.  Her and I both know those things can’t happen anytime soon.  Or more realistically ever.

As we continued our conversation she brought up the past several.  She made comments about “us” and resentments she still harbors towards me.  I wasn’t the best boyfriend.  I understand where she is coming from as I harbored resentments towards her until recently.  I just know that I can’t allow myself to be resentful.  It brings me down and leads me back into a world that is unhealthy for me.  But I realize I can’t expect her to be on the same page as I am.

Im at a crossroads where I’m unsure If I am being selfish in wanting to be a part of his life.  I don’t know if it would be detrimental to him in the long run.  I have already been in and out of his life twice because his mother and I have not been able to keep our relationship together.  The last thing I want to do is hurt him more.

As an adult we have to make brutally painful decisions about what is best for other people.  In this case I’m not sure I’m able to do that.  I so deeply want to be a part of his life again that I’m afraid I’m unable to see what the right thing to do is.

Too often in my past when I thought I was being selfless I was being selfish.  I have difficulty seeing the difference while I am immersed in the situation.   I truly love this little boy.  Proving I love him may mean that I have to stay out of his life forever.  That’s the sad truth I don’t want to face.

Coming To Me For Advice?


Who do you go to when you need advice?  It seems like so many of my friends come to me when they have an issue they need help with.  Hell, I give out amazing advice if I do say so myself.  I’m an idea man.  It’s just what I do.  Sometimes I’m even shocked by my incredible advice when I hear it coming out of my mouth.

This is especially true when it comes to personal and relationship advice.  I used to look at this as a form of flattery.  I’m a pretty resourceful and intelligent guy.  Also, I’m caring, compassionate and easy to talk to.  Why wouldn’t people want my advice?

Those factors all play a part of why my friends come to me for advice.  But the truth of the matter is that they don’t come to me for advice because I’m such a great guy with an uncanny intellect.  Its because I have fucked up so much in my life and they know it.

It’s easier to share your problems with someone you know has, or had, much worse issues in their life.  Particularly when the majority of that person’s hardships have been self-imposed.

People talk to me all the time about their relationships and ask for advice.  It’s crazy when I think about it.  These same individuals know damn well that my intimate relationships to this point in my life have been total trainwrecks.  I have never had a truly healthy and stable relationship with a woman I was dating.  But yet such a large majority of my friends come to me for dating advice.

I can certainly tell them where I went wrong with my relationships and what I could have done differently.  Sometimes that can be helpful to them by putting things in perspective.   It may add insight into what they could do differently to be happy or make their partner happy.  But at times I feel like coming to me for relationship advice is like asking Mother Theresa how to give a blowjob.  I can give you my best guess, but I’m probably not the most qualified person you could talk to.

Quite often, I don’t think that most people even want my advice.  They just want to be able to vent to someone who has experienced worse.  I’m guilty of this as well.  When I talk to someone I am able to relate with it makes me feel less alone.  Less like an outcast or a freak.

Knowing that someone can empathize with what I am going through is comforting.  I certainly wouldn’t want to talk to someone who has always gotten everything right in their life.  Their story wouldn’t ring true to me.  It would make me feel worse and more so like they could never understand what I am feeling.

Failure is part of the human condition.  It’s something that usually needs to occur so that we can change and grow.  Life is all about experiences.  Making mistakes is a big part of that story.  Its funny that when people see that you have failed so often they still are more likely to come to you for advice.

Now, most people can’t follow good advice.  These are the Askholes.  They continually ask, but they never implement the advice they are given.  They fail because the continue to do what they have always done.  Like the saying goes “If nothing changes, nothing changes.”  But that’s a different post for another day.

Holy Shit I Talk Too Much


Sometimes I can’t shut the fuck up.  I get so excited about the words that are about to come out of my mouth that I can’t hold onto them any longer.  I just blurt them out.  Sometimes in the middle of what someone else is saying.   It’s rude and inconsiderate, I realize that.  However, sometimes I can’t help myself.

My story telling skills can be maddening.  Brevity is not one of my strong points.  It’s something I struggle with in my writing as well.  I feel like every little nuance and detail is germane to the story and I have to explain them thoroughly.  But most people would be happier with the cliff notes.

Diarrhea of the mouth has actually caused me talk my way out of getting laid.  Sometimes I oversell way too hard.  I have to get another story in and keep pushing the envelope of what I can get away with a woman.  I feel its part of my charm.  I’ve had numerous women beg me not to talk so much.  They have literally told me I would be better off  sitting there and looking pretty.

I have a tendency to want to dominate my interactions with others.  I always have such amazing and interesting content to add to every conversation.  At least I think so.  The reality is I need to shut up and listen more often than not.

I can learn so much more by listening to others and what they have to  offer.  When I’m in a conversation and I hear something I feel I know a lot about, I tend to interject before they finish to make myself seem more intelligent or witty.

In the past I have been very opinionated and judgmental.  I have been trying to keep those opinions to myself lately.  Unless someone really asks for it.  Then they will get an earful they may not have planned for.

I’m the type of person who is rarely at a lack of words when it comes to dishing out advice.  I’ll give you more than you ever imagined.  I don’t realize that so often people just need to vent and get it all out.  They aren’t looking for my thoughts on the issue.  They only want me to listen.  I mean really listen.  Not just keep quiet long enough for them to finish their sentence just so I can speak again.

Listening is the most important skill for building all relationships.  People want to know they are being heard and understood.  It’s the basis for Sales 101.  Understanding the customers needs.  Any idiot can ramble on, talking to hear themselves speak.

Truly listening and appreciating the wants and needs of the person you are interacting with is priceless.  The more I work on this skill, the more I create fruitful and long lasting relationships in all aspects of my life.  Which is a key to creating a fulfilling, meaningful existence.