My natural instinct is to distrust everyone. If you give me a compliment, I think you’re lying and want something from me. If a girl sends me a picture, I ask who else she sent them too. If you pitch me a business deal, more than likely I assume you want to rip me off.
I find myself becoming insecure over the littlest things lately. Everyone is out to get me. My business partners want to screw me, friends are lying to me, women are holding things back from me. It’s an insane amount of paranoia. I haven’t been this far off the mark in a long time. It’s addict behavior at it’s finest.
My mind is going a million miles a minute trying to figure out every angle every person is playing. I waste more time in a day playing out these insane, nightmare scenarios in my head than I spend on making my life better.
I want instant gratification. If I don’t get immediate results something must be wrong. I want to control everything and everyone. My thoughts are racing and I can’t find peace.
That’s when I know it’s time to take a step back and slow down. I can’t have any serenity when I can’t be in control of my thoughts and actions. I needed to write this post as a reminder of how to get myself grounded again.
There are only a few ways I know how to silence my evil master (my mind). (more…)
Single at 35, unsure about a career, living off my savings in a small apartment I rent with the only thing that loves me unconditionally, my dog. I look at my life and feel like I am a failure. I should own my own house, I can certainly afford it. I should settle down, have a relationship and a family. Live a more “normal” life.
People often tell me I need to put roots down and create a life somewhere. But what if that’s not the path for me right now? I have no urge to own my own house. I only want a house because I am embarrassed by the fact I don’t own one at my age. I’m embarrassed by how I choose to live even though I have the means to live much better.
I put all these outward expectations on myself. I don’t live the life I envisioned I would at 35. People probably look down on me and my behavior. Wondering when I will pull my life together and “grow up.” I beat the shit out of myself mentally and emotionally. I have so much guilt and shame from my past and it spills over into how I judge my life today.
These past 5-6 months have been very difficult for me. I lost my relationship with my girlfriend, her son and the life I thought I was going to live. I am unhappy with my career choices. I’m not making the type of money I am accustomed to. Life has drastically changed in many ways.
During this time I have struggled with depression to the point that I have contemplated suicide on more than one occasion. I have told myself that how I am living is unacceptable. But why? Who’s rules have I been living my life by?
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve fucked up a lot. I have put life off for longer than I should. Maybe I have Peter Pan Syndrome. I’ve missed out on a lot of great opportunities and relationships in my life because of my choices. However, those same choices are whats driving me to change my life for the better.
Fear is the driving force behind all my negative thoughts about my life. Fear that I will never find someone to share my life with. Fear that I will never have a family. Fear that I wont be able to find success in the legitimate world. Fear that I will end up like my father. Fear that I will settle for a life less than I am capable of living. Fear of making mistakes. Fear of failure. It’s this illusion of fear that I have allowed to run my life and keep me from living the life I deserve. (more…)