The Pain and Power of Self-Doubt


I doubt myself everyday.  I wake up ready to take on the day with my to-do list and a positive attitude.  Then I don’t have a good workout, my stocks lose money, everything I do seems to take twice as long to complete as it should and I start to picture my life as a failure.  I visualize my portfolio going to zero, running out of money, never making another dollar in my life, never finding someone to share my life with.  Then the daydream nightmare stops.  There isn’t anything past that.  My mind can’t process anything after I’ve lost it all.  I don’t see myself committing suicide or living on the street, there is just nothing.

Maybe my mind stops because it knows there is very little chance of any of this occurring.  Or possibly I have become so accustomed to living a fairy tale life I can’t even perceive what that type of financial hardship would create.  What life would look like having to work a dead end job to make ends meet and live an existence which is tantamount to “just getting by.”

I’ve lived a life where I didn’t have to work very hard, in comparison to others, to have nice things and lots of free time.  I’ve made my own schedule for the last 7-8 years and rarely had legitimate financial worries.  The thought of my life changing from what I’ve become accustomed to scares the shit out of me.  I don’t want to be on someone else’s schedule, working on the time frames they create for me.  I don’t see myself allowing my life to go in that direction.  But the reality is it could occur one day and the lifestyle I’ve become accustomed to would die.

I fear wasting the time I have left to live.  Continuing along with the same bad habits which have kept me from having exactly what I want.  I always feel as if I am so close to turning the corner in so many areas of my life, but I cant quite get there.  Something unexpected happens and I never quite recover.  I get disappointed and become guarded which makes me want to avoid taking risks and being vulnerable because I’m afraid to face the pain of failure again. (more…)