Pardon My Absence

The last several weeks since my surgery I’ve sat around and felt sorry for myself.  Constantly asking “why me?”  I’ve made myself a victim of circumstances I created.

I chose to play science experiment on my body and pollute myself with everything imaginable for many years.  That was my fault and my doing. I can’t blame anyone else.  Life and the choices we make have a way of catching up to us.  Not everyone will face that reality, but most will.

I’ve wasted my time the last three weeks doing very little to better myself.  Watching reruns and stalking social media.  I looked for every excuse to be miserable and sad instead of looking for opportunity in this tragedy.  I haven’t appreciated all of my friends and family who have reached out, visited and supported me.  I’ve been too concerned about the weight I’ve lost, how I look, and the things I can no longer do.

During this time I’ve had someone close to me break my heart when I felt I needed them the most. Once again that was my fault. I put faith and expectations on a person who could never step up in the role I wanted, because they are no longer capable of being the person I need.  I knew that and brought that pain on myself.  I need to own that instead of letting the anger and disappointment become toxic to my life and recovery.

I’ve thrown the worlds biggest pity party for myself.  I traveled down the path of my opiate addiction.  Abusing the medicine I truly need for my physical pain, in order to numb the mental pain I feel.  I haven’t wanted to accept my circumstances.  I’ve only wanted to escape from my reality.  I know this serves me no purpose other than to drag me down further into a hole of depression, anxiety and sadness.

What I’m facing is scary and causes me to look at my own mortality.  I have liver cancer.  It’s not a death sentence.  But, I know there will be a tough fight ahead of me to beat this.  Staying positive, active and being my own advocate are going to be incredibly important to my recovery.

If I continue to act as I have I will allow this to break me.  I’m better than that and I have faced adversity before.  I want to live and better the world around me.  Not succumb to circumstances because I was a quitter.

If I have learned nothing else from this, I realize I am such a fortunate individual to have so many amazing people in my life who have helped me so much.  I especially want to thank Chris McNichol.  I don’t know how I would have gotten through all this without you.  The time and effort you have put in helping me at Fox Chase, well I don’t even have the words to describe how grateful I am.

I want to thank everyone who’s been there for me.  I know I’ve been a huge pain in the ass.  Thank you for continuing to care and picking me up when I fall down.  I love each and every one of you for your support.  I’m sorry for how I’ve acted up to this point and I promise to pull myself together. I wouldn’t have been able to start climbing my way back up and facing all of this without all of you.  I don’t know that I can ever repay any of you, but I would like to try.