You Walked Out Again – A Post Surgical Diatribe


I’m frightened, anxious and filled with disappointment.  You walked out on me when I needed you the most for a third time.

The first time I don’t blame you, It was my fault.  In many ways I’m thankful you couldn’t handle my actions anymore.  It forced me to change my life and become who I am today.  I don’t think I could be this person without that pain of losing you and your son.

I’m sorry, that’s for sure.  I wish I could be who I am today without having hurt you both.  It’s the last thing I ever wanted to do.  But, I did it.  Theres no denying that.  The guilt and shame I feel from it are horrible.  That’s part of the reason I am trying to get you back today.  I want to fix the wreckage and give us the life we all wanted so much two years months ago.

The second time, when I found out about Brett, all I wanted was for you to reach and talk to me.  Prove you cared. I was heartbroken and devastated.  My world had been torn to pieces.  You should appreciate and understand that feeling.  It’s what you told me I did to you when we moved in together.

But you never reached out to me or made any real effort.  The picture you sent me on my birthday of your son holding the card he made for me only felt like manipulation.  Not something out of love.  It broke my heart not to respond.  I wanted to be with him more than anything in the world for my birthday day.  I wanted the card and drawing he made for me.  I still want them.  I save anything he ever gave me.

He means the world to me.  I look at him like he’s my own son.  I love him.  I truly love him.  Maybe I’m selfish for wanting back in his life after all of this.  I see myself as a child in him.  I want to give him everything I wanted when I was his age.  A loving family, a dog, a positive male role model.  I want to help him grow into an amazing man.

I probably am being selfish, look how many times I said I. He showed me a life that’s truly worth living.  A life I never understood or appreciated.  I want to give back to him for that.  I’m scared and sad to think that the only way I can prove I love him is to step out of his life forever.

As I approached my first round of surgery you walked out for the final time.  I wanted so badly for you to come see me before surgery.  I wanted to lay in bed with you naked, kiss you, touch you, make love to you, hold you in my arms.  But I guess that wasn’t in the cards.  I struggle because I know I most likely wont be able to do that again anytime soon.  Or Possibly ever if we stop speaking.

My insecurity rages thinking about you with someone else while I am laid up recovering.  It destroys me.  I guess I feel If i would’ve gotten the opportunity to see you and do all the things I planned in my mind, it would’ve somehow stopped you from hooking up with others.  Which I know isn’t reality.

You are the person I wanted to see the most before surgery.  The person who’s hand I wanted to hold.  The person I wanted to kiss before they put me under.  That’s a lot of pressure on you.  I know you don’t perform well under pressure.

You heard my podcast and you worried about what others would think.  That’s understandable.  It’s pretty open and raunchy.  I need someone who can believe in me and the risks I am taking.  You’re not much of a risk taker in many ways.

I’ve proven in the past I’m not risk that tends to pay off.  But I needed you to prove you cared.  I expected a text this morning.  I’m nervous and I wanted to hear from you.  I wanted to feel like you cared.  But maybe its for the best because it reinforces where you stand and what I need to do.

I constantly try to fix things right away, instead of let them breath.  Rarely allowing people time or space to work things out for themselves and get back to me when they are ready.  I force, I force and force.  When I force I cause more issues.

I’m angry and hurt.  I expect more from you.  I want you to show me more.  I, I, I, I.  It’s all about me and my feelings.  Maybe you’re really not capable of any of this.  Maybe you’re too hurt or maybe you don’t have feelings towards me anymore and it’s become too much work to pretend.  I don’t know the answer.

What I do know is your actions prove you are incapable of showing me the affection I need for whatever reasons you may have.  I guess the reason doesn’t matter.  The only thing that matters is I need to let you go.  I need to move forward.  Writing this tears at my heart.

But then I saw your text, followed by your call…..And we started again.  With love there is no logic.


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