I was diagnosed with cancer a few weeks ago.  During this short period of time, events unfolded which taught me a great deal about myself and life (or reminded me of things I may have forgotten).

Since my first surgery six weeks ago, I’ve had more down time to sit and think than I have in years.   Due to the invasive nature of the surgery and the lengthy recovery period, I have a limited ability to perform what I’ve been accustomed to viewing as basic life tasks.  This isn’t necessarily a good thing for me, “idle hands are the devils workshop.”

So many thoughts have been plaguing my mind and making me insane.  I needed to get it all out of my head and into words to try to make sense of it.  This is what I came up with.

1.  People will walk out on you when you feel you need them the most.  They will do things you can’t imagine doing to another human (even if you have done something similar to someone else, as I have).  It will be incredibly painful.  Be thankful they showed you how toxic they are and how you no longer need to be a part of their life.  It’s impossibly hard to think this way at times, but it’s for the best, this I’m certain.  On the opposite end of that spectrum, some people will surprise you when they come out of the woodwork to show you they care.

2.  People won’t know what to say to you when you’re going through difficult times.  Some people may avoid speaking to you because of this fact. Others will try to find the right words when there isn’t much to say.  Be kind to them for trying and tell them how they could best support you in your time of need.  You can’t expect them to be mind readers.

3.  I’ve learned to hate the question, “How are you feeling?”  I want people to talk to me the way they used to.   I don’t want an illness to define me.

4.  Even when the sky is falling, the sky isn’t falling.  No matter what happens the world keeps on going with or without you.  It’s the way life works

5.  Learn to be your own advocate for your health.  Read, research and reach out to people who have been in your shoes.  I haven’t done much of this, but I hear it helps.  Ask your doctors questions. Push back if something doesn’t seem right and get a second opinion if you feel the need.

6.  Don’t ask yourself the question, “why me?”  It’s a stupid question which serves no purpose.  The reality is it IS happening to you and that’s what matters.  Wondering “why me” led me to pity parties and feeling helpless.  It’s nonsense.

7.  I’m a junkie and if given the opportunity I will eventually abuse pain pills; even when I need them for pain.  I can’t trust myself with pills . Doctors may push them on you to make sure you aren’t in pain.  Some will even tell pain meds are necessary and not taking them will impede your healing.

8.  Going through withdrawal sucks.  I will do almost anything to avoid it.  Including staying on pills when I don’t need them.   It’s a reminder that pills ruin my life and make my ADD and OCD completely unmanageable.

9.  I’ve felt weak and helpless and wanted others to feel the same way.  I’ve taken my anger out on people who don’t deserve it.  Then I feel shame and guilt for acting like an asshole.  Be nice, it’s easier

10.  Be a good friend to others.  Talk to them about what’s going on in their lives.  I want them to feel comfortable talking about their issues and not feel bad because I’m sick.  It’s free therapy to listen to someone else.  Offer advice only if they ask for it.  It’s the best way I know to get out of my own head and stop worrying about my issues.
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