Tips From The Bong


I hate when people lie and say getting high doesn’t solve anything.  Well, OK in the long run, yes that is true.  However, sometimes getting high solves everything.

Take tonight for example.  After a long stressful day I couldn’t be more relaxed and refreshed.  I smoked, ate some eggs, sent some SnapChats and now I’m ready for bed.  Sounds pretty great doesn’t it?  Be jealous, it’s a wonderful life.

15 Steps To Be An Ungrateful Dumb-Ass

head_up_ass 2

  1. Get liver cancer
  2. Have two major surgeries to get the liver tumors removed
  3. Once your health gets back on track and you’re feeling well, start making poor decisions
  4. Get drunk several times during the month
  5. Wake up the day after a drinking binge at 1 in the afternoon
  6. As soon as you get on your feet, vomit while trying to piece together how you got home
  7. Find several pictures in your phone you don’t remember taking
  8. Check Snapchat and see all the snaps you don’t remember posting
  9. Find your pants in the shower
  10. Come to the realization you drove home drunk
  11. Waste most the day sleeping on the
  12. Spend the few waking hours of your day laying on the couch, smoking weed, eating pizza and beating off
  13. Watch The Big Short and think about ways you too can conquer the stock market
  14. Fall asleep and wake up feeling shitty on Monday morning
  15. Piss part of Monday away as well.
There you have it.  The steps to being an ungrateful dumb-ass

Removing Power From Ruminating & Obsessive Thoughts


When I feel bored I become anxious and irritable.  My mind becomes flooded with obsessive thoughts of my vices: I should find drugs, I need sex, how can I hustle up some money, who can I hit up for attention.  Any vice will do.   Even when I’m not engaging in one of those activities at the present moment, they are still at the forefront of my mind when boredom sets in.

I’m an addict. Not necessarily the type that indulges in vice and immediately spirals out of control, but an addict nonetheless.
I obsess over the things I crave.  It’s almost as if I lust for them.  My thoughts become dominated by obtaining whatever I’m obsessing over.  If I begin to seek what I am obsessing over and I can’t find it, the obsession grows exponentially.  I lose focus on everything else.
I believe there is demonstrable correlation between addiction and OCD. The key to managing these issues is understanding how your mind works.  I’m not saying knockdown, drag out, alcoholics or addicts can learn to drink or use again.  But I am saying there is a way to combat addictions and obsessions with practices I will describe below.
I’ve become more self aware of my ruminating thoughts.  In the past these thoughts would hijack my mind.  Now when I feel them building I’ve learned to train my mind to label them as obsessions and treat them as such.  Labeling the thoughts for what they are (negative thoughts) takes a great deal of their power away.  You can easily dismiss these thought without allowing them to sabotage your day, once you realize you don’t have to pay them any attention.  You can simply stop feeding into them once they are labeled. It’s taken a great deal of practice to be able to quiet my cravings in this manner.


You Gonna Lick That?


I have an affinity for eating booty.  It’s kind of like licking a dirty penny.  But I’m into it.

Does that make me a gross person?  Most of my friends feel the same way I do about butt stuff.  Maybe it’s the reason we all hang out?

Most girls I run into seem to like a little butt play – Whether it’s a finger rubbing their butthole, a tongue licking it or an occasional finger, toy or a dick up there.  90% of the women I’ve hooked up with enjoy one or some combination of these three activities.

Some girls don’t want to admit they like butt play because it makes them feel dirty, embarrassed or ashamed.  These are usually the same women who roll over, spread their cheeks and press their asses into my face from the first moment they feel my tongue enter their crack.  Deep down they know it feels good, but repress those feelings.  I think women should embrace what they enjoy without shaming themselves.  What can I say, I’m a male feminist at heart.

I hear Catholic Schoolgirls apparently only do anal because they want to remain virgins.  I don’t necessarily buy their logic, but I would never argue with them.  Where were they when I was growing up?  I’ve had to beg, plead and manipulate my way into most of my butt sex experiences.  Apparently my mom should have sent me to Catholic School.

Then there are the rare “nothing has ever been up there and no one has ever touched it” girls.  These girls drive me insane.  “I don’t like it, it feels weird.” They are so against experimenting they shut it down before they give it a chance.  Every time they clench their cheeks or tense up as I get even remotely close to their ass I can’t help but think of what George Carlin said – “Don’t be so suburban, it’s the new millennium.”  There are thousands of nerve endings in your anus, relax and enjoy it. (more…)

Losing my V Card


Middle school and high school weren’t my time to shine.  I was a scrawny, ugly child with a giant head.  Kids called me inflate-a-head and told me I looked like Rocky Dennis.

Girls didn’t find me attractive.   My antics and attitude didn’t help my situation either.  I didn’t get laid until I was 18.  I was a late bloomer.

At the end of my senior year of high school a girl finally noticed me.  She was a pretty, petite blonde girl who also happened to be one of the more experienced girls in my class.  To be blunt, she got around.

We would flirt with each other during sixth period computer class.  She had a boyfriend, but that didn’t seem to matter.  She was my only prospect, so I liked her.

One night we ran into each other at a party.  She was drunk and I wasn’t.  It seemed like a perfect opportunity to seize the moment.  We kissed and she offered me a blow job to drive her to her house because she was too intoxicated.

As much as I appreciated the offer I had to decline.  I had gotten a DUI more than a year prior and lost my licence for 18 months.  I was about to get my license back and I didn’t want to risk losing it for longer if I was caught driving without a license.

My friend stepped up and offered to drive her car.  Her and I got into the backseat of her Suzuki Sidekick.  My friend and another girl got into the front seats.   Within a few minutes she was blowing me in the back seat.  The other two people in the car started to laugh with disgust as they realized what was going on.

I wanted to keep this night going so we went back to my house because my mom wasn’t home.  I took her downstairs to my bedroom and took off her clothes.  I had no idea what I was doing.  I wasn’t even sure how my dick was supposed to work in this process.  Could I stick it in her limp?  I tried and she laughed.  She told me it didn’t work that way.

Once I figured out the logistics of sex, I slipped inside her for the first time and it felt magical.  Well, maybe not magical, but I was thrilled to finally lose my virginity.  I pumped away for what seemed like an eternity.  Finally I was about to cum and I told her.  She grabbed my ass cheeks, held me inside of her and told me not to stop because she was going to cum too.

I was afraid to cum inside of her and she could sense it.  She looked at me as I was about to cum and said “Don’t worry, just cum in me.  If I get pregnant, I’ll tell my boyfriend it’s his baby and make him pay for the abortion.”  I came and then instant sadness rushed over my whole being.  I had lost my virginity, but I couldn’t get her words out of my head.

I laugh about this now, but at the time it was disturbing.  This was the springboard into a long line of awkward sexual experiences that still, fortunately or unfortunately, continues on today.