Without even recognizing it, uncomfortable emotions have crept up on me again this year. My Ex and I have been off and on for the past three years. This time has been the longest of our break ups. Each time we have split up we started talking on Mother’s Day and end up back together around Memorial Day.
We rush back into our relationship blindly without looking at the past wreckage we both have caused. Ultimately the results are always the same. It doesn’t work out because we have never resolved our past issues. We take what we feel is a serendipitous reconnection and impulsively jump back into our relationship.
This year I am able to step back and assess my past relationship with her with a more discerning eye. Too much has occurred between us for me to want to be with her again at this point. I can’t allow myself to be hurt, or to hurt her, again knowing full well what has happened in the past. At least that’s what I am telling myself.
The most regrettable part of this story is that she has a son who had to go through all this. He deserves better than what her and I created. I haven’t seen him in a little over four months now. He’s the greatest little guy I have ever met. I love him like he is my own. I miss spending time with him playing , building Legos, and the bond we shared.
If I am being truthful, the reason I reached out to her on Mothers day is because I miss him. I want to be a part of his life again. When her and I broke up the last time we made an agreement I would stay in his life for as long as he wanted to see me. I stuck to this agreement and saw him every other weekend for the next nine months. However, I got to a point that I could no longer be around her. It was unhealthy for everyone.
Unfortunately that meant I couldn’t see him anymore either. I never wanted to stop being a part of his life, but I could no long be a part of her’s.
When I spoke with her yesterday I asked if I could see him again. She told me she didn’t think that could happen. She said he has struggled to adapt to no longer seeing me and she doesn’t want to confuse him further. She went on to tell me how he talks about me and my dog often and wants to see us so bad. Hearing her tell me that broke my heart.
She also mentioned that she wanted to protect herself from getting confused and backtracking in her life. I can appreciate and respect what she said because the last thing I want to do is hurt either of them again. I made it clear I don’t want to be with her or interfere with her current relationship.
She expressed that I was supposed to in his life as a step father. She felt if I was to see him again he would be confused and want the three of us to do things together again and eventually he would want me to stay. Her and I both know those things can’t happen anytime soon. Or more realistically ever.
As we continued our conversation she brought up the past several. She made comments about “us” and resentments she still harbors towards me. I wasn’t the best boyfriend. I understand where she is coming from as I harbored resentments towards her until recently. I just know that I can’t allow myself to be resentful. It brings me down and leads me back into a world that is unhealthy for me. But I realize I can’t expect her to be on the same page as I am.
Im at a crossroads where I’m unsure If I am being selfish in wanting to be a part of his life. I don’t know if it would be detrimental to him in the long run. I have already been in and out of his life twice because his mother and I have not been able to keep our relationship together. The last thing I want to do is hurt him more.
As an adult we have to make brutally painful decisions about what is best for other people. In this case I’m not sure I’m able to do that. I so deeply want to be a part of his life again that I’m afraid I’m unable to see what the right thing to do is.
Too often in my past when I thought I was being selfless I was being selfish. I have difficulty seeing the difference while I am immersed in the situation. I truly love this little boy. Proving I love him may mean that I have to stay out of his life forever. That’s the sad truth I don’t want to face.