Junk Food For Your Brain

Evil Empire

I fucking hate Apple more than ever before. I constantly have problems with my iPhone. I’m not the easiest on electronics, so I have to take some accountability for the issues. Also, because of Apple I have a business.  But none of that is any fun to talk about and gets in the way of my rant.

My phone has been losing service a couple times a day for the last 2 weeks. The status at the top shows “Searching” and I can’t make calls or use my phone unless I’m on WiFi. Today it finally shit out on me for the whole day.

I dread going to the Apple Store to ask the smug, hipster jack offs who work there for help. I’d rather watch Lena Dunham do naked jumping jacks in front of me for the rest of eternity.  But today I have no choice.

I jumped in my car and headed over to the Apple Store. It’s in this uppity white neighborhood that always packed with rich soccer moms and and their shitty, spoiled kids. Doesn’t anyone fucking work?  I judge all of them.  Forgetting the fact I should working as well, but I’m here being just another asshole in this store.

I knew I wasn’t going to get service right away. I coached myself on the way over to relax and not freak out the instant I walked in the door. You get more flies with honey. And in the grand scheme of life it’s a minor inconvenience. By the time I finally found parking and entered the store all that shit was out the window.

I walked up to the guy working there with a sense of entitlement that my problems were more important than anyone else’s.  The first guy seemed like he was going to be helpful. Unfortunately he directed me to his colleague, who looked like a slightly more stoned version of Kendrick Lamar and I was informed I would have to wait at least an hour and a half.  I felt my chest inflate, my hands clinch and my jaw tighten. When I pointed out the fact there were plenty of employees standing around doing nothing, he didn’t flinch and calmly told me many of them are sales people not technicians.  Fuck me, right?

After 5 minutes of back and forth he scheduled me to come back in 45 minutes.  So I went to Starbucks to get a coffee and use the wifi. The woman sitting next to me was on her phone frantically complaining about needing a route canal immediately and how’s she’s trying to sell one of her apartments. I wanted to shake the shit out of her.  Everyone around here is a shitty white person, complaining about shitty First World Problems.  Including me.

Our lives have become so easy that we amplify the magnitude of problems. Yes, it’s annoying and we have better things to do. I’m not denying that.  But waking into an Apple Store and flexing on a dude like Rocky, probably not the necessary reaction. It’s important to acknowledge these inconveniences suck, but dwelling on it’s like talking shit to a guy with a knife.  Yeah you look cool and tough in front of your friends, but then he stabs you and tells you he’s got kids to feed.  Maybe that’s just my own personal experience, I’m sure there are other good analogies, I just can’t think of any.

When I came back to the store I was looking for the tech I had spoken with.  I had trouble finding him because he looked nothing like Kendrick Lamar.  I don’t know where I made that fucking image up in my head, but I’m pretty sure I just profiled the guy like police would.  I’m an asshole again.

I ended up waiting another 90 minutes until I was seen by a tech. He finds some sort of bug in my software that isn’t allowing my phone to update to the newest software. He fixes the bug, updates my phone to the newest version of iOS, which takes another 40 minutes. Tensions are running high.  The guy can see I want to explode.  Then all of the sudden, my phone turns back on and it has service!

I was so excited I almost slapped him on his ass.  I didn’t want to pay $300 for a new phone or stay there any longer.  I drove home with a huge smile on my face. I was ready to get on with my day and catch up on all the worked I missed.

30 minutes after I get home, I’m making dinner, I check my phone; NO Service.  Fuck you Apple.

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