Tag: anger

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You Walked Out Again – A Post Surgical Diatribe

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I’m frightened, anxious and filled with disappointment.  You walked out on me when I needed you the most for a third time.

The first time I don’t blame you, It was my fault.  In many ways I’m thankful you couldn’t handle my actions anymore.  It forced me to change my life and become who I am today.  I don’t think I could be this person without that pain of losing you and your son.

I’m sorry, that’s for sure.  I wish I could be who I am today without having hurt you both.  It’s the last thing I ever wanted to do.  But, I did it.  Theres no denying that.  The guilt and shame I feel from it are horrible.  That’s part of the reason I am trying to get you back today.  I want to fix the wreckage and give us the life we all wanted so much two years months ago.

The second time, when I found out about Brett, all I wanted was for you to reach and talk to me.  Prove you cared. I was heartbroken and devastated.  My world had been torn to pieces.  You should appreciate and understand that feeling.  It’s what you told me I did to you when we moved in together.

But you never reached out to me or made any real effort.  The picture you sent me on my birthday of your son holding the card he made for me only felt like manipulation.  Not something out of love.  It broke my heart not to respond.  I wanted to be with him more than anything in the world for my birthday day.  I wanted the card and drawing he made for me.  I still want them.  I save anything he ever gave me.

He means the world to me.  I look at him like he’s my own son.  I love him.  I truly love him.  Maybe I’m selfish for wanting back in his life after all of this.  I see myself as a child in him.  I want to give him everything I wanted when I was his age.  A loving family, a dog, a positive male role model.  I want to help him grow into an amazing man.

I probably am being selfish, look how many times I said I. He showed me a life that’s truly worth living.  A life I never understood or appreciated.  I want to give back to him for that.  I’m scared and sad to think that the only way I can prove I love him is to step out of his life forever.

As I approached my first round of surgery you walked out for the final time.  I wanted so badly for you to come see me before surgery.  I wanted to lay in bed with you naked, kiss you, touch you, make love to you, hold you in my arms.  But I guess that wasn’t in the cards.  I struggle because I know I most likely wont be able to do that again anytime soon.  Or Possibly ever if we stop speaking. (more…)

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I Just Wanted To Say, I Forgive You

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I wrote this almost 3 years ago.  Far before I realized I enjoyed writing or had any urge to start a blog and share my thoughts.  My therapist told me writing a letter to my father may help mitigate the anger, pain and resentment I felt towards him.

I completely forgot I wrote this letter.  It was tucked away in the notes on my phone.  I happen to come across it tonight while doing some electronic organizing.   I juI never sent the letter to him, that wasn’t the point.  I never intended to share it with anyone.  But here it is.

This is the note in it’s entirety, with spelling and grammar errors.  I wanted to share it as it was originally written, with all its flaws.

Dad,

I am writing this letter to say a few things. These things are not necessarily as much for you as they are for me. I have lived my life following in your footsteps in many ways. I made bad choices in regards to a career path and choose to never give up a certain lifestyle. Even when I was at ADP and successful I never could give up the other side of my life, the same route you went. I have seen where that got you and I do not want that for my life. I have talked a big game about getting out and finally making things work in the legit world with my businesses. I have had several failed businesses just like you , but I finally have one that has a chance and is growing pretty well since I started it over the last two years. I am so close to quitting all the bullshit and being done, but I am terrified to do so because of the money, the lifestyle and the not knowing who I am or what to do once that ride is over.

I need to tell you I forgive you, in order to forgive myself and let go of all the anger and hatred I have for you. You were extremely abusive mentally, emotionally and at times physically. You always pushed people away that cared for you by your actions. I have become the same way, especially towards the woman in my life and have lost several good ones in the process ( the only part I have not been is physically abusive). (more…)