Tag: anxiety

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You Gonna Put That Up Your Nose?

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The sun rise was beautiful upon the horizon.  Birds were chirping as a new day was beginning.  I stumbled out of a shitty apartment with a runny nose, cursing my life.  Hoping I would get home safely and finally get to sleep.  I repeated this routine weekly for the better part of two decades.

There’s not much worse in this world than the long nights, that stretch into the wee hours of the next morning, doing coke with a bunch of other idiots.  Sitting in someones kitchen staring at each other, waiting for someone to cut out the next line.

Over a 17 year period I did enough coke to kill Charlie Sheen.   The thing is, I’m not sure why I used so much for so long.  I hated the drug. I can’t even remember a time that I said, “Wow I’m glad I did coke, it made my night so much better.”

There’s very little worse than doing  coke.  What are the benefits?  My nose ran constantly, it ensured my dick wouldn’t work, I talked too much and I became even more twitchy.  Where do I sign up?

The worst parts of doing coke is the people you end up associating with. Cocaine will cause you to surround yourself with the shittiest degenerates imaginable.   Most of the people I did coke with were by default; they were the only ones around at 4 AM.  The sad truth is, eventually you become one of those shitty people.  I know I certainly became one rather quickly.

Coming in as the second most terrible thing about doing coke, the coked up conversation.  My God they are the worst.  I have had people ramble on for hours to me on topics like golf spikes and banking.  I can’t think of any worse torture than this.  The government should try this on it’s prisoners at GITMO.  I think they would crack after an hour. (more…)

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Crawling Out of My Skin Today With My Therapist

During my usual Tuesday at 12 therapy session I became agitated and squirrely.  I could feel the tension and anxiety building in my chest hands, and feet.  I wasn’t talking about a touchy subject, but I felt I was going to burst.  I could feel overwhelming nervous energy bubbling up and festering inside of me.

I stopped what we were doing and I told my therapist what I was feeling.  He looked at me pan faced and said “let’s go into it.”  I wasn’t sure what he meant.  Normally when he says things like that I start shutting down: I become uncomfortable and unsure how to process what I am being told.  I thought he meant we would be “healing the inner child” like Carl Jung’s approach, and I struggle with that.

However, this was more of a mindful-awareness exercise.  He reminded me that this was like being in the gym, putting in the reps to build my emotional muscles.  My instructions were to sit and recognize where these uncomfortable feelings were emanating from.  As soon as I began to focus on what he had told me, all of the tightness and discomfort shot right into my jaw.  It was like a vice grip tightening down.  It became so intense I was unsure if I would be able to speak.

As I sat there feeling the discomfort in my jaw my therapist watched my behavior.   I started moving my jaw around and opening my mouth wide in hopes of making the tightness dissipate.   He quickly reminded me not to try to control the feeling or to try to make it go away.  He repeated “just go into it.  Allow yourself to feel what is going on in your body.”

After a few minutes of paying attention to my uncomfortable feelings they started to subside.  My mind and body felt relaxed; I could think straight and talk about what had occurred.  My jaw no longer felt like I was in the Camel Clutch (below is a video depiction of how I felt, in case you don’t know what that is).

My therapist likened this exercise to having an itch and not scratching it.  I’m a guy with a lot of proverbial itches to scratch and he knows that, so the analogy fit well.  If you just allow the feeling to pass the itch will eventually go away.  You do not have to scratch it.  The itch may be extremely uncomfortable, but it can’t hurt you and won’t kill you.

This was an invaluable experiment for me.  It was a very simple but effect exercise showing me I can handle the discomfort of my thoughts and feelings if I simply accept them for what they are and allow myself time to process them.  The same “muscles” I used in his office I can apply to the rest of my life.  If for some reason the feelings start to overwhelm me I can change the channel mentally and focus on something else.  I don’t have to use exogenous sources to numb my feelings and stuff them down inside of me.  Which I did all to often in the past.

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Dealing with Crippling Anxiety and Fear This Morning

I went to bed last night feeling well and free looking for to the day ahead, but my mind and my dreams had other plans.  I woke up in a mental prison.   I was covered in sweat feeling like the flu hit me.  It wasn’t the flu that had me paralyzed to the point I couldn’t get out of bed.  It was my mind. My fear and anxiety crippled me.  I was pretty sure the day was over before it began.  The Struggles with my life I have been facing had apparently snowballed overnight.  They all flooded me at once.  It was too much.  Thoughts were racing through my head about my business, my life, my ex.  Thoughts of how the stress is eating up my muscle causing me to lose weight and get ill.  The stress is causing my already thin head of hair to fall out quicker.  Over and over again the same thing replayed in my head.  I’m lost and I’m not making progress!

After about 90 minutes of laying in my bed, tossing back and forth, I decided I had to get up and drink my morning shake.   As soon as I swallowed the last gulp I stormed back into the safety of my bed.  I cuddled with my dog for a little bit.  Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and I got up and sat on the couch.  My hands and body were trembling.  It was as if I had done too much speed.  My brain was causing the rest of my body to get totally out of whack.  I knew I had to take action an do something to get out of my head.

The first step was to try the mindful awareness app that had been sitting unused on my phone for months. My therapist had recommended it as a way to  to help center myself.  The app made a slight difference, calming my breathing and allowing me feel the spots where the anxiety was resonating from.  It wasn’t enough to get me off the couch.

Next I went to YouTube and looked up motivational videos.  I watch a few until something clicked.  This video spoke to me for some reason.  I played it repeatedly until I worked up enough energy to take a shower and head to the gym.  I literally listened to this video for the better part of two hours.  The strength I found in the words I heard got me out my house and through my workout.

The most impactful part of the video for me was when they discussed “yet.”  The speaker talked about how people put in the effort and they keep pushing and pushing, but they aren’t getting to where they see others or where they want to be.  They are giving it there all and putting everything they have into their life but it just hasn’t happened “yet.”  That three letter word, yet, gave me hope.  It fueled a fire inside of me to do my best with what I had today.

On many days like this I would look at how late it had gotten before I got out of bed and given up on the day.  Before the day had even started I would have looked at it at a failure.  I would tell myself tomorrow would be better.  Then I realized all was ok.  There was still plenty of time in the day to make it great.  I can still accomplish and build today.  there is no reason to trade today in and take a mulligan. I Forgave myself for feeling defeated.  In my head I made the choice to make the best day I was capable of.

This morning allowed me to revisit several principles the world and others have taught me over the years:

  1. Even though I hurt like hell it didn’t kill me
  2. My life is much better and more fulfilling than I give it credit for
  3. I do not have the answers to my life right now and that’s ok
  4. The human mind is so powerful that it can be my best asset or my worst enemy
  5. I can’t always control my feelings but I can control how I let them affect me
  6. The only way to get out of my head and feel better is to take action

Even though I didn’t know what to do or how to make myself feel better, I still took action.  That was the only cure for my situation. Action allowed me to change my outlook.  If one thing doesn’t work I have to change my approach and try something else.  I needed action to get out of my head and refocus my thoughts.  To give me the strength and energy to get through the day.

The universe, God or whoever; taught me a valuable lesson today.  Like most experiences in life I need to look at the pain I went through with gratitude for the knowledge I have gained.  Now I have a plan for tomorrow or any other day in case I wake up feeling the same way.  I have created a contingency plan.  I know the steps I can take if I feel this way again.  I have the app ready to go and I have new motivational videos lined up to to watch.  If those things aren’t enough I have articles ready to read, podcasts to listen to and people who I can talk to.

It was a reminder that every day I need to create, build and live the best life I can.  Some days little victories like getting out of bed are a huge success.  I have to take these little successes and allow them to accumulate to bigger successes.  Before I know it life has a way of shifting itself from fathom to abundance.  When I look at very successful people I know, they key seems to be humbleness and humility.  To do the right things on both parts of the spectrum and to show appreciation and gratitude for the life you live.

 

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That Feeling In Your Gut When You Just Know

There are very few things quite as powerful as your gut instinct.  It’s amazing how intuitive we really are as humans. How much our body gives us so many signs and clues as to what we should and shouldn’t be doing if we truly pay attention.

The obvious things that hold us back from truly following our gut are fear and doubt.  Those two things are a son-of-a-bitch.  They can wreak havoc on your outlook and life.  We all can very easily persuade ourselves to think that gut feeling is just a pipe dream.  Perhaps we started to late for it to work, or its too difficult a task for us.  Those things may all very well be true.  However, no one ever truly knows unless they try.

Wayne Gretzky said “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” I am a firm believer in this affirmation. There are so many points in my life that I look back on with regret saying “fuck I should have done this back then.”  The reality is that some of these things I still want to do and can do with my time.

I REALLY like the excuse of “Im too old” or “I missed the wave.”  Those two thoughts allow me to be a giant pussy from time to time.  Never attacking the passions and goals I have.  I hate the thought of starting over. Not making money and having to worry about finances makes me cringe.  The sad reality is that I AM starting over now at 35 anyway.  I quit my previous career over a year ago.  I’ll get into that whole bag of shit at another time.  Time is passing anyway so I should just start over doing something I love and have a passion to do.

An hour ago a friend texted me asking me about working out.  She was talking about how she wanted to tone up and and she needed help.  She lives near me so I just offered to train her a couple times a week.  I got so excited when she said yes.  I love training people.  In general, I have a passion to help anyone reach any goal they may have.  It’s a fucking amazing feeling.  Plus, I figured it will force me to go a couple more times a week.  It will be great way to get in summer shape for me as well.

All of the sudden I got that feeling of fire in my gut.  That feeling of excitement to use my gifts and knowledge to help someone else.  By helping others I get back such an amazing amount of fulfillment internally.  This was gods way of giving me another kick in the ass saying “hey dumby this is what you should be doing with your time”

I started making some goals in my head.  Get my training certifications.  Write more.  Start helping people reach their goals mentally and physically.  Train people. Start a meal prep company like a friend of mine has in Baltimore (If you are down in the Baltimore area check him out https://www.facebook.com/fitfoods2you).  Then the reasons started pouring in of why I cant do this.

  • I already committed to business last year and spent a lot of time and effort working on it
  • I have to get my training certificate and that’s hard and time consuming
  • I should have done this 10 years ago when I first had the idea
  • Im not good enough
  • And most of all IM JUST PLAIN, OLD AFRAID TO LOOK STUPID AND FAIL

All those excuses for the most part are just bullshit.  Yes, there is some truth and failing is a possibility.  But I can fail doing shit I hate doing.  Which has happened to me on several occasions.  The reality is its easy too dream and hard to create.  It takes a huge leap of faith into the unknown.  It takes facing the fears of what could be the treacherous reality in the future.  It takes courage, confidence and hard work ethic.  I have lacked these three things in many aspects of my life over the years.

I fear putting myself out there and how others will receive me. I fear taking risks because I could fail and look less than to others and myself.  I fear that I don’t have the capacity to handle the turmoil and hurt of failure. The funniest thing about this ridiculous fear is that for the vast majority of my life I took huge risks with my freedom to make a living.  Its strange how that fear never stopped me even though it was always on my mind.

I keep reminding myself that all the things that made me safe and successful on the other side of the law can be applicable on the legit side.  I need to develop the work ethic and courage to fall on my face a couple times and keep picking myself up.  I need to be firm, but fair with myself and my abilities.

I have been out of the legitimate business world for such a long time.  Many of the skills that made me successful 8-10 years ago in corporate America have rust on them.  It will take time to polish them up and get them up to a speed that I feel is acceptable and truly produce results.  Until that time I need to keep making mistakes and learning from them.  Once my skills are at that level I will need to strive to keep getting better.  Progressing by pumping out more and more reps and continuing to learn. Complacency is one of the most evil and dangerous character defects out there.

I see SO MANY people out there that have started out with much less of a cushion financially than I have and done SO MUCH more.  Many of these same people also lacked many of the skills and abilities I have.  They know much less about how a business is run and the inner workings of day to day operations.  Very few have tasted the type of financial success I have and don’t fear living with less the way I do.

WHAT THESE PEOPLE DO NOT LACK IS CONFIDENCE, DRIVE, AND THE UNCANNY ABILITY TO CHASE THEIR DREAMS AND MAKE THEM A REALITY.  They do not fear what others think.  In their minds they are already successful.  These types of attributes can’t be bought or faked.  However, they can be learned. Every time you face your fears and take it head on, no matter what the outcome is you learn invaluable lessons about yourself and life.  Those lessons are the building blocks to a happy, successful and fulfilling life.  Just like reps in the gym.  You build the muscles to change your life.  You wont always come out on top but if you can keep pushing forward you will grow an amazing confidence in your abilities.  You will be able to create the world around you that you always dreamed of.  I have seen this happen to others around me in many different aspects of their lives, not just financially.  It is something to truly revel

 

 

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