I get tired of being positive.  I don’t want to learn the lessons life is trying to offer me.  All I want is for life to let me live on my terms.  Rarely does it work that way though.

At times I can’t seem to handle whats going on around me.  I’m presented with seemingly large obstacles to see how I will react.  I’m cognizant of what’s happening and even tell myself, “these are tests, handle them in an appropriate manner.”  Yet when I face the challenge, I act the complete opposite of what I’ve prepared myself for and I fail miserably.

I’m angry I have to face the follies of my past.  Others have made similar choices and are able to continue on with what they are doing.  But, for me, it’s never that way.  God always seems to want to take away the things I want to do.  I want to be able to do steroids, take painkillers occasionally and maybe do a line of coke here and there.  I’m bitter I can’t be normal and do things in moderation.

I write a lot about self improvement; dealing with fear and adversity while staying positive.  Hardships have plagued my life for years, so I feel I have a lot of experience overcoming adversity.  Then I have times like this where I can’t follow my own advice and I wonder if I have the right to offer it anyone else.  Am I full of shit?  Where do I get off writing about this stuff?  How can I create a message to help others when I struggle to do it myself?

I read a lot of what so called experts write and I wonder, what makes someone an expert.  How does someone decide they have practiced enough and created a level of success worthy of calling themselves an authority.  Is it the 10,000 hour rule?  Or does it have more to do with what someone can persuade others to believe with their words? (more…)