I wrote this almost 3 years ago.  Far before I realized I enjoyed writing or had any urge to start a blog and share my thoughts.  My therapist told me writing a letter to my father may help mitigate the anger, pain and resentment I felt towards him.

I completely forgot I wrote this letter.  It was tucked away in the notes on my phone.  I happen to come across it tonight while doing some electronic organizing.   I juI never sent the letter to him, that wasn’t the point.  I never intended to share it with anyone.  But here it is.

This is the note in it’s entirety, with spelling and grammar errors.  I wanted to share it as it was originally written, with all its flaws.

Dad,

I am writing this letter to say a few things. These things are not necessarily as much for you as they are for me. I have lived my life following in your footsteps in many ways. I made bad choices in regards to a career path and choose to never give up a certain lifestyle. Even when I was at ADP and successful I never could give up the other side of my life, the same route you went. I have seen where that got you and I do not want that for my life. I have talked a big game about getting out and finally making things work in the legit world with my businesses. I have had several failed businesses just like you , but I finally have one that has a chance and is growing pretty well since I started it over the last two years. I am so close to quitting all the bullshit and being done, but I am terrified to do so because of the money, the lifestyle and the not knowing who I am or what to do once that ride is over.

I need to tell you I forgive you, in order to forgive myself and let go of all the anger and hatred I have for you. You were extremely abusive mentally, emotionally and at times physically. You always pushed people away that cared for you by your actions. I have become the same way, especially towards the woman in my life and have lost several good ones in the process ( the only part I have not been is physically abusive). (more…)