Learning to Understand and Deal with Pain Without Painkillers

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If someone else treated me the way I treated myself I would’ve had to kill them. The massive amount of mental and emotional suffering I brought upon myself throughout my life has been insane. At 35 I am realizing that even though I have experienced a tremendous amount of pain, I never learned how to process and deal with it. I didn’t understand how the grieving process works and what steps should occur in a healthy mourning period.

In the past, when my skin started to crawl and my mind wouldn’t stop replaying the same thoughts, I was lost with how to interpret and handle those feelings. My therapist recently brought this fact to my attention.

For as long as I can remember I used foreign substances to cope with the pain I was going through. I stuffed whatever I didn’t want to face deep down inside of me. I numbed my senses with opiates, cocaine, women, money and alcohol. I used anything that allowed me to get out of “myself”. For that brief moment in time it would my fill my void and bring me some small, but fleeting period of happiness.

My life had become a vicious cycle of chaos and pain. A considerable portion of my pain was due to my inability to allow myself to be happy and content. I struggled to accept happiness and success; even when I had fought so hard to achieve them.

Something inside of me kept telling me I wasn’t allowed to be happy. I didn’t deserve it. If I continued to stay optimistic something bad would surely occur. I didn’t understand that it was ok to allow the good to come into my life without fear of repercussions. I continuously self-sabotaged my life and created chaos.

There’s truly a sick sense of comfort in chaos for someone like me. It’s very familiar and I understand how it works. I was fearful of what life would look like without chaos. What would it’s replacement look and feel like? This thought process caused me to stay sick mentally and live in my own turmoil.

When I decided to make a change I looked at my life and decided that I had two choices. I could either stop taking painkillers or I could kill myself. There was no middle ground for me at that point. Those were the only viable options for my life.

I was able to associate the feeling of such overwhelming pain with the use of opiates that I kicked cold turkey. My mind finally got to the point where the pain and suffering of withdraw, as well as having to deal with my emotions, were not nearly as great as continuing to use. That was the key for me. Forging a mental association that linked taking painkillers to creating more pain in my life, rather than taking the pain away.

The first couple of weeks I was physically sick from withdraw. However, the next several months of having to deal with all the mental and emotion pain was far worse. I had to face what I had created in my life and it wasn’t pretty. I had to accept that I had lost relationships, business opportunities, money and most importantly time because of my actions.

Occasionally I felt that I couldn’t handle all the mental anguish. I thought It may be too much and it would consume me. I’ve seen people experience tragic events in their live’s and never came out of it the same. They stay stuck in a rut with their past haunting them forever. Continually living out the same patterns ad nauseam, only replacing the characters in their story.

I’m only seven months removed from that life, but writing about it now seems foreign to me. It’s as if I’m not writing about my own life. When I replay my past actions in my head it’s like seeing a bad movie that so embarrassing to watch it makes you cringe. It’s unfathomable to me that I lived that way for so long.

I’ve learned dealing with pain is supposed to hurt. Allowing myself to feel whatever pain comes into my life and learning from it is necessary. Pain is the most powerful teacher we have in this world. It is the cornerstone of growth and change. It has taught me many of my greatest lessons; as well as evoked the most change in my life. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

Coming To Me For Advice?

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Who do you go to when you need advice?  It seems like so many of my friends come to me when they have an issue they need help with.  Hell, I give out amazing advice if I do say so myself.  I’m an idea man.  It’s just what I do.  Sometimes I’m even shocked by my incredible advice when I hear it coming out of my mouth.

This is especially true when it comes to personal and relationship advice.  I used to look at this as a form of flattery.  I’m a pretty resourceful and intelligent guy.  Also, I’m caring, compassionate and easy to talk to.  Why wouldn’t people want my advice?

Those factors all play a part of why my friends come to me for advice.  But the truth of the matter is that they don’t come to me for advice because I’m such a great guy with an uncanny intellect.  Its because I have fucked up so much in my life and they know it.

It’s easier to share your problems with someone you know has, or had, much worse issues in their life.  Particularly when the majority of that person’s hardships have been self-imposed.

People talk to me all the time about their relationships and ask for advice.  It’s crazy when I think about it.  These same individuals know damn well that my intimate relationships to this point in my life have been total trainwrecks.  I have never had a truly healthy and stable relationship with a woman I was dating.  But yet such a large majority of my friends come to me for dating advice.

I can certainly tell them where I went wrong with my relationships and what I could have done differently.  Sometimes that can be helpful to them by putting things in perspective.   It may add insight into what they could do differently to be happy or make their partner happy.  But at times I feel like coming to me for relationship advice is like asking Mother Theresa how to give a blowjob.  I can give you my best guess, but I’m probably not the most qualified person you could talk to.

Quite often, I don’t think that most people even want my advice.  They just want to be able to vent to someone who has experienced worse.  I’m guilty of this as well.  When I talk to someone I am able to relate with it makes me feel less alone.  Less like an outcast or a freak.

Knowing that someone can empathize with what I am going through is comforting.  I certainly wouldn’t want to talk to someone who has always gotten everything right in their life.  Their story wouldn’t ring true to me.  It would make me feel worse and more so like they could never understand what I am feeling.

Failure is part of the human condition.  It’s something that usually needs to occur so that we can change and grow.  Life is all about experiences.  Making mistakes is a big part of that story.  Its funny that when people see that you have failed so often they still are more likely to come to you for advice.

Now, most people can’t follow good advice.  These are the Askholes.  They continually ask, but they never implement the advice they are given.  They fail because the continue to do what they have always done.  Like the saying goes “If nothing changes, nothing changes.”  But that’s a different post for another day.

What I Learned By Forgotting My Beach Towel

“Why are you going to Crystal Cove its full of lesbians and old people?”

“You should go to Newport it’s spring break, the beach will be packed with college girls.”

As I read those texts from my friend I realized that I forgot to pack a fucking beach towel.  I was minutes away from Crystal Cove Beach and debated turning around and going home.  In the past I would have let something that trivial stop me from enjoying my day.  But I decided to say fuck it and go to the beach towel-less.

I parked in the parking lot on the opposite side of the street.  From there its a long descent down a walking path and through a tunnel under Pacific Coast Highway to get to the beach entrance.  The only 38709thought I had in my head was “this is a giant pain in the ass to get to a beach.”  After 10 minutes of walking I reached my destination and it was beautiful.

I went out on the the rocks in the ocean and checked out the little creatures living on them.  Then I sat down in the sand, put my earpods in my phone and listened to music while I watched the waves break on the rocks.

After a few minutes I turned the music off and began reading the eBook on my phone.  My whole body was coated with sand, but that didn’t bother me.  As I read I thought about how children end up covered in sand at the beach.  Part of their fun is getting sand all over themselves.  But as an adult it seems like such a nuisance.

I moved and sat on a rock at the shoreline.  The water barely reached my feet as the waves rolled in.  I sat there reading and enjoying the sun shining down on me for the next two hours.  When I got too hot or my mind started to wander I jumped in the cold water to shock my body.  It revitalized me and got me back into what I was reading.  I developed a sense of mindfulness about how amazing I felt and how passionate I was about my life and what I was reading.

I didn’t ruminate over the fact that the day prior I chose not to listen to my gut instinct and sell off some stock; which cost me 5k in profit.  I didn’t worry about my business woes or my relationship issues.  I was just grateful for my life at that moment. I was being present and experiencing real contentment and happiness.

It sounds ridiculous, but I had this preconceived notion that if I did not have a towel I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the beach.  I realized it’s these types of ridiculous rules I create for myself that keep me from happiness all to often.  Sometimes the old truths we hold about life need to be thrown out and rewritten.  Changing my thought process and taking a different course of action from my normal inclination to turn around and go home produced a new set of positive results – Happiness and Gratitude.

And the Truth Shall Kick Your Ass

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“Stop Brett!”  Those two words coming out her mouth broke my heart.  Again.  That familiar, empty, nauseous feeling rushed to the pit of my stomach.  My head felt like I had vertigo   My emotions were going a million miles a minute.  I wanted to rage and hurt someone.  But I didn’t.

My ex and I had broken up months before that moment.  I had moved out of the house we were living in together in April, six months prior.  During that summer we tried to make it work again between us.  But her feelings had already changed.  I think she was trying to make herself fall back in love with me.  Mainly because of comfort and the bond her son and I shared.  If I am being totally honest, those were the reasons I was trying too.  I loved her, but I knew it wasn’t right.

At the end of the summer she had a drastic “change of heart.”  She told me she couldn’t do it anymore.  The drastic change of heart was she met someone else.  She lied and gave me another excuse of why it was over, but that was the truth.

After the summer I still spent time with her son every other weekend.  This meant I was still seeing her as well.  We had agreed I would still stay in his life because he and I loved each other.  Looking back it wasn’t the right thing to do for anyone involved.

I saw him every other Sunday.  We would spend the day playing, going to Chuck E Cheese and building Legos.  I looked forward to those days from the moment I left until the moment I saw him again.  I also selfishly looked forward to seeing her.

The situation progressed to me spending  the weekend at their house.  At first I slept on the couch, it was all about the time he and I spent together.  That soon turned into the three of us doing things together as a family.  Then her and I started sleeping in the same bed and being intimate again.

I would ask her if she was seeing anyone.  I wanted to know the truth.  I didn’t want to continue being intimate if she was.  She would always say no.  She even went as far as to swear on her son’s life she was being truthful.  But I knew she was lying.

I started playing detective.  She had gotten back on birth control, there was a guys sweatshirt at the house one day, she was very nervous anytime I was near her phone.  There was so much writing on the wall.  But I chose to go head first back into this anyway.  I set myself up to get hurt.  I almost can’t even blame her because I allowed it to happen.

After she slipped up calling me the wrong name, I stayed the rest of the weekend to spend time with her son.  I just couldn’t leave him at that point.  Her and I talked and she answered some of my questions with partial truths.

Before I left I said my goodbye to her son as I put him to sleep.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I told her this was the last time I would see her.  She texted me a couple times on my drive home, but I couldn’t respond.

My birthday was that next weekend.  She texted me happy birthday and sent me a picture of her son holding a card he made for me.  I couldn’t help but cry.

I had hoped she would call me to show she felt remorse for her actions.  I wanted to see if she would try to prove that she cared about me like she had claimed.  But that never occurred.

I wanted to talk to her and hear her admit the truth to all of my questions.  I felt that I needed to know so I could have closure.  But I had my closure.

The more I thought about it I knew I couldn’t talk to her.  I needed space more than I needed the truth.  The truth didn’t really matter.  I knew enough that I could no longer have her as a part of my life.

Sometimes seeking the truth in delicate situations isn’t the best option.  Hearing her confess to all the things she had done wouldn’t have been the freeing experience I had hoped for.  It would have only served to damage me further and I would have brought that pain upon myself.  I accepted what I knew and moved forward with my life.  That was the gift of closure I gave myself.

Why Everyone Should Experience College

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Whatever happened to “go to school and get an education?”  Lately I hear so many people trying to influence kids NOT to go to college.  When I was growing up it was the complete opposite. The arguments I hear most often for not going to college:

  1. Huge Student loans
  2. Anything you learn in college you can learn on your own
  3. Opportunity cost of time spent in college vs. time spent working
  4. Kids are coming out of college struggling to find jobs because they majored in fields that are outdated or no longer exist

I’ve been in conversations where I’ve said I could’ve used the five  years I spent in school better by learning and building a business on my own.  But that’s not reality, at least for me.  I’m thankful I went to college.  If I could go back and change my decision I wouldn’t.  I’m not saying I learned a whole lot of useful information in the classroom that bettered my life, but I will say that the experience was invaluable.

I’m not going to argue the financial, or timeline, benefits or detriments of going to college.  I don’t have the facts and figure to write and intelligent and well thought out post based on those topics.  More so, I don’t care to argue those points.  I find them to be boring.  My argument is based solely on the value of my life experience in college.

College is this amazing experiment.  You take all these different people and jam them together in this social/educational setting and see what happens.  Undoubtedly a cluster fuck ensues.  People lose themselves, find themselves, lose their minds, create amazing relationships and end up becoming someone very different than who they started out as.

I’ve heard people say anything you learn in college you can learn on your own.  I agree with this to an extent.  But The fact is most people won’t learn on there own.  They want to be taught.  Its easier to have someone teach you.  People love the easy way.

The majority of people don’t have the drive or know-how to effectively teach themselves new ideas.  Having a teacher helps validate what you have learned.  It’s a structure we have become accustomed to as a culture.  I’m not saying its right or wrong I’m just stating how I see it.

College was five of the best years of my life.  I didn’t always realize it then, but my life was amazing.  I floated through college.  It was a joke for the most part.  I even tried to fail a class during my MBA so I didn’t have to leave.  I wasn’t ready to move on.  Life was too good.

There are lessons you learn in college that I know I would have never learned anywhere else.  I’m not talk about physics or accounting.  I mean amazing and irreplaceable life lessons.  Had I not gone to college I may have never: gotten stabbed, contracted the clap, gotten my car stolen,  gone to terrible frat parties, been known as Naked Guy or met the incredible people who have impacted my life many years in the future.

I learned how to act in uncomfortable social situations.  There’s not much worse than being stuck in a smoldering hot basement with 200 co-eds rubbing sweaty elbows, drinking warm beer and trying to act cool in front of girls.

I learned how to not do wash for weeks on end and still have “clean” clothes.  I learned how to live with the craziest menagerie of people and co-exist.  I learned that with $40 bucks in your pocket you are set for the weekend.  I learned that people love really shitty music, like Phish.

I learned how to sneak 30 packs and beer balls into a dorm at a dry campus.  I learned how much fun $12 worth of shitty alcohol could buy for me and a couple friends.  I learned what the freshman 15 was (The 15 lbs. people tend to gain their first year of college).

I learned how to play Rugby.  I learned Grain makes delicious jungle juice, but shooting it is asking to go to the hospital.  I learned to always wear flip flops into any public shower.  I learned people can actually live off Ramen Noodles and Spam.  I learned Kool Aid and purple drink are mainly sugar.  I learned its incredibly to tell someone to ‘go fuck themselves and their knife’ before you are about to get into a fight with them.  More than likely you will end up getting stabbed, at least in my case.

I wouldn’t give up my college experience for anything.  The actual education I received in the classroom is pretty much worthless.  But my memories are priceless.

I’m not saying everyone needs to graduate college.  But I am saying everyone should go for the experience

 

The Anticipation Is Better Than The Actual Success

I feel like I’m going to explode with excitement as I grind toward my goals.  Then I get there and I think, whats next?  This seems to be the theme of my life on many levels.  Especially when it comes to women and getting laid.  Once I actually get them in bed I’m usually not that into it or them.  My pink cloud disappears quickly.  I came, I conquered.  No pun intended.

I go through phases when I am trying to achieve goals in my life.  They are all marked with there ups and downs.  They are usually pretty easy for identify due to the characteristic I portray in each phase.  For instance when I am trying to get a women I usually go through 6 phases:

  1.  Introductory Phase – We meet – I’m super excited and cant wait to talk to her.  We text all day.
  2. Dating Phase – We go out on 1-2 dates.  I get I start getting to know her or who she is trying to portray.
  3. Get Her In Bed Phase – This is exactly as it sounds.  After a date or two I get her home and we do our thing.  If I really like her and think she has potential, I try to extend this for at least 3-4 dates.  This holds my interest in her longer.
  4. The Numb Phase –  This phase begins a few seconds to minutes after I start having sex with her.  I question why I am even doing this.  Sometimes I question my very existence.  It gets even worse once I cum
  5. The Awkward Phase – Once I have finished and we are laying next to each other my mind starts to race.  I don’t want to really be touched at this point.  Cuddling makes this phase much worse.  I wonder what shes thinking.  I also wonder when shes leaving.
  6. The Insecure Phase – This phase is all about my curiosity of what she’s thinking about.  Was she pleased?  Will this be a repeat customer?  My mind starts going to “I probably could have done better” or “I should have done this or that.”  I say things to the girl that make the situation much more awkward than it needs to be.  It’s obvious to the woman I am insecure; and most likely also an asshole.

The first time I sleep with someone tends to be a bit awkward.  I’m feeling the person out.  Trying to figure out what she likes and doesn’t like.  What limits can I push?  Often I hold back because I’m not quite sure shes into certain things; like a finger in her butt.

I never used to care or think about this type of stuff when I was younger.  #YOLO.   I just wanted to get mine. Now my ego comes into play.  I want to be a sexual dynamo.  If she said or didn’t say certain things during sex I over-think it.

I wonder why she said or didn’t say certain things about my body or my dick?’  Did she not like it?  Weren’t they enough?  Was my stroke off?  What happened?

The Insecure Phase is in full force at this point.  I get in my head and over-analyze the situation.  I start to act desperate.  I create a much more awkward situation because I don’t feel I got the praise I so justly deserved.  Even if she told me how great it was and she got off I start digging for more.  I want compliments damn it!  I want to make sure Ill get a second chance so I can really show her my A game.

This type of insecure insanity is what has kept me from enjoying my success in life.  I always want more.  I used to love the phrase “never enough.”  Being comfortable with myself and going with the flow is very difficult for me at times.  I love to control and manipulate situations.

After I achieve a goal, a better approach would be to change my mindset to one of happiness and relaxation.  Slow things down and take the time to reflect on what has occurred and enjoy the moment.  Then build upon that moment predicated on real facts.  Not the craziness I brew in my mind.  Life becomes a lot better when I am able to take that advice.  I mean after all I just got laid, how bad could life really be??

What’s the Point of Having Money if You Don’t Spend it

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$300k sitting in a bank account; yet I was paralyzed by the thought of what I was going to do for money in the future.  I had hung up my previous career and was unsure of what was next.  I was so fearful about money that I made myself and others around me miserable.  Instead of investing in new opportunities or in myself I was living off my savings.  I held onto that money so tight that I pissed a good portion of it away.  I couldn’t get past the thought that somehow this money needed to last me forever because I would never make another dollar.

That was my situation a little over year ago.  I wasted a tremendous amount of time worrying about something so trivial and shortsighted.  Worst case scenario;  I could have lived off that money for 5-7 years depending on how I scaled my lifestyle.  That’s more than enough time to figure things out.  I could have gotten a job and made a little money until I figured out what was next for me.  Instead I did nothing but cling onto my past and the lifestyle I was accustomed to.  That behavior cost me much more than money.  It cost me time, happiness, health and some of the people in my life.

Today I’ve changed my outlook and behavior.  I’m finally starting to spend money investing in myself and my future.  It’s insane that I could spend $10k on a watch or $100k on a car without batting an eye.  But when I thought about spending a couple thousand dollars investing in bettering myself, my asshole puckered and I became incredibly stingy.  The most important thing I could possibly spend my money on made me the most uncomfortable.  I would either avoid doing them or do them in the cheapest manner possible.

When I read about or talk to successful people, the one common theme they share is that they all invest in themselves.   Whether mentally, physically or emotionally; they spend the time and money needed to make them the best at what they do.  They realize it’s an investment that will always pay dividends over time.

Success doesn’t have to equate to money.  The majority of people don’t want to be millionaire’s to be able to say they have a million dollars in the bank.  Well, some may.  Most want to be millionaires because of the lifestyle it could afford them.  The luxury of getting up in the morning and spending their day doing whatever they would like.  Not having to worry about bills and other financial obligations.

Not every millionaire lives how I described.  I know people who barely have a pot to piss in and lead much more rich, exciting lives than those with millions.  They spend their money investing in life experiences.  They travel and enjoy what the world has to offer.  I see their posts on social media and wonder how many of them afford it, knowing some make very little money.  They spend what they have to build wealth in life experiences.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t save your money.  I think everyone needs to create a financial plan and a vision of how they want their tomorrows to look.  However, The only thing we have for certain is now.  The happiest people I know don’t wait for the perfect timing to start living life.  They go out and do it.  Spend your money on what makes you happy and adds value to your life in a significant manner.  What you experience in life and the person you become as a result is what make you truly wealthy.

What I learned Last Night at the Casino

Last night I got the itch.  I was bored, no one wanted to go out and I needed to get out of the house for a bit.  I decided to take a trip to the casino.  The delusions of grandeur started flowing in my head.  I saw me there spending an action packed night of meeting new people, laughing and watching the money roll in.  Now, from my experience, the odds of my night going that route were about as likely as Klansman finding a date on blackpeoplemeet.com.  But, I went into it with a positive attitude and was ready to play some blackjack.  Don’t get me wrong I have won big before, but its been awhile.

I scoped the place out for a few minutes until I found a table I felt comfortable with.  I sat down, threw out a grand and was ready to play.  Most the night I was up and down small amounts.  I couldn’t really get traction one way or the other.  I decided to change tables.  Once I got to the new table it was all over very quickly.  I played to win, made all the right calls.  The cards just didn’t fall my way this night.  As usual the house won.  I should have just walked up to the dealer, handed him my chips, told him to kick me in the balls and been on my way.  It would have saved me some time

Normally I would be the typical loser in the casino and done one of two things.  Either I would have pulled out more money and kept losing, or I would have continuously replayed those hands over and over in my head.  Making judgment calls on what I should have done.  I would have made myself completely miserable thinking about how I should have played.  The mental and emotional hangover would have probably lasted for a couple days.  I would have shamed myself for being so stupid and wasteful with my money.  Those thoughts would have snowballed from money worries to my ex, I’m not in the shape I want to be, all the way to why I’m not where I want to be in life and just kept going.  The negativity would compound and spiral out of control quickly for two maybe three days.  All over my decision to gamble that cost me to lose a $1000.  Which a friend of mine made me feel worse about when I told him how much I lost.   He responded “You lost what my 60 hour work week makes me before taxes.”  I could have gone without hearing that.

Im not a rich man by any means, so that money could have been spent in much better ways.  The thing is its the past.  Its done and can’t be changed and I have accepted that.  That may not seem like a whole lot to some people, but for someone like me that is HUGE.  I am starting to be able to make mistakes without shaming myself.  I don’t have to place a negative value on myself because I had a little set back.  Just because I lost last night doesn’t prove my life is a constant failure.  In the past I would have allowed myself to see things that way.

Losing that money turned out to be an investment in my mental health.  Im not saying it was the best value for the investment.  Losing $100 and feeling this way would have been much better.  For someone who obsesses and allows those obsessions to turn into much larger issues I feel like this is a pretty big step in the right direction for me.  Learning how to deal with mistakes and failure without the toxic shame.  Also, I will probably stay away from the casino for awhile too.  It’s been making me its bitch for a couple months now.

 

The Snowplow Metaphor that Became a Reality

This weekend I went to Baltimore to meet up with some friends at a Belgian Beer-fest.  On Saturday evening I decided to drive back home to Philly when I saw snow starting to come fall. The weather reports were calling for some heavy accumulation and I didn’t want to be stuck.  It was Valentines day and I hadn’t booked a hotel for the night.  To make matters worse we were hanging out about a mile away from where my ex was currently living.  It had the makings me of getting horribly drunk and doing something asinine so I left.

As I started my trek home quickly realized I was driving directly into the storm.  The snow was coming down hard.  The wind was violently whipping snow all around which made conditions much worse. During certain points of the drive it was almost a complete white out.  Visibility was barely three feet in front of me.  Driving over 35 mph wasn’t an option.

Being from the North East you learn to become accustomed to driving in winter storm.   Even though I’m normally a pretty shitty driver, I’d say my snow driving game is pretty strong. But, This was one of the worst storms I had ever driven in.  About half way through I arrived at a bend in the road where traffic had come to a stand still.  The road was so icy that people were spinning out of control and careening off the side of the road.  Keeping control of my car became very difficult.  I was going 5 mph and when I had to hit the breaks my car would slide out of the lane.  Several times I came very close to bumping into other cars that were sliding all over the road with me.

With my steering wheel clenched my focus became on just getting past this small stretch of road safely.  I could see cars 1/2 mile in front of me driving safely.  It took the better part of 5 minutes to go 1000 feet.  At that point I could hear the horn blasting from the truck behind me.  The obnoxious sound aggravated me to no extent.  I was swearing and freaking out behind the wheel because of this asshole behind me.  Couldn’t he understand I was struggling like every other car on the road to make it through this section safely.  His horn continued to blast!  I couldn’t take it anymore.  I lost it.  I started to slide off the side of the road so I decided to just make it to the shoulder so this fucking guy could pass.

As I pulled to the side of the road I rolled my window down, stuck my arm out the car and flipped the trucker off.  I was screaming every horrible combination of curse words at this guy and praying for his demise.  Once the truck started passing me I realized why he was beeping and trying to get me to move over.  The truck was a fucking SNOWPLOW!  He wasn’t being an asshole.  He was trying to help me.  Once I let him in front of me I drove back onto the road and it was smooth sailing for the next 10 miles while I followed him.

I was so caught up in my own struggle to get out of the icy conditions I didn’t even bother to take a good look at the truck behind me.  Instantly assuming he was just a typical asshole on the road trying to get home faster. I didn’t stop to realize he was honking his horn to get me to move over so he could clear the path for my journey home.  I allowed my current situation to consume me and make me blind to the fact that there could be help out there in these dangerous conditions.

This story really happened to me February 14, 2015.  This situation was like a giant metaphor for my life kicking me in the balls and saying HELLO!  I become so entrenched in the bullshit that is pulling my life down that I don’t see that there is an easier way.  My impatience, shortsightedness, and inability to see the big picture causes me to make poor choices.  I can’t see past my current situation and the fact that it is only temporary.  I am only concerned with how it is affecting me at that point in time.  All I want to do is get out of whatever I’m feeling or dealing with as quickly as possible because it is just too much for me to bear.

The ride home sucked. It was treacherous and scary at times.  I couldn’t see 5 feet in front of me or control my car at times.  What is normally an hour and forty-five minute drive took the better part of 5 hours.  This type of journey is on par with how I have lived my life.  I don’t take the time to evaluate situations, see what is unfolding and navigate them correctly.

I have lived my life this way for as long as I can remember.  My tendency is to ignore signs that are telling me to stop or slow down.  The ironic part of that is I have “SLOW DOWN” tattooed across my knuckles as a reminder to myself.  Something better is ahead of me if I’m patient, do the hard work and take the right actions.  I don’t take the signs from God, the universe, friends or a real fucking snow plow that they are trying to get my attention for a reason.  That they are trying to show me there is an easier path for me to drive on.  That there is a better life or way of living if I am willing to slow down, put my ego aside and allow them to show me their plan.

 

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