I’m a junkie.  I’m not saying that to be self loathing, it’s the truth.  I’m not participating in all of my junkie behaviors anymore, but it’s important to remind myself of the fact.  I can’t escape it, I can’t change it, I can’t compose a special cocktail that will allow me to only have a taste.  I’ve proved my thesis that taking opiates and doing cocaine ruins my life many times over.

All that being said, I DO NOT have to live like a junkie.  I don’t have to let my predilections towards certain substance destroy me.  Even when I’m in the most severe mentally or physically pain, there are other options.

Over the last five weeks I have dealt with the most unbearable back and joint pain.  I thought it was from a reoccurring back injury.  I started seeing a chiropractor three times a week as well as doing physical therapy. At first I felt a little relief.  Then the pain start spreading throughout my body, into my joints and I developed flu like symptoms.

I went to my primary doctor, explained my situation and underwent a gamut of blood tests.  It turns out I have an autoimmune disease.  I had JRA (Juvenile rheumatoid arthritis) as a child, but I have not had a severe flare up in 20 years.  I have to see a specialist, but most likely that’s the culprit.

The past five weeks have been hell.  My range of motion is shot.  My joints ache and refer nerve and muscle pain throughout much of my upper body.  I am unable to work out in my normal fashion.  Some nights I don’t sleep.  Yesterday I didn’t get off the couch because my pain my so severe.

Wahhh, boo hoo, lifes hard, I get it.  I’m not writing this to bitch about my pain and have a pity party.  I’ve experienced large amounts of mental and physical pain in my life.  In the past I wanted to get rid of the pain as quickly as possible, by whatever means necessary.  I won’t lie, I still want that. (more…)