Ambition is a Bitch

Sometimes ambition is a bitch. I often wonder if a life without ambition would be easier and happier. No stress from worrying about achievements.  No fear of not being enough or creating enough during your life.  No struggling to become more than you are right now.  Instead, simply being happy with where you are with no need to achieve more or be better.

Without getting philosophical or playing devils advocate about what ambition is to other people, I’ll use the dictionary definition for the sake of this post.  Ambition is defined as “a strong desire to do or to achieve something, typically requiring determination and hard work.”

I always viewed those who lacked ambition as lazy or ignorant.  Maybe that’s accurate.  Or maybe they are content with what they have.  Maybe they don’t need anything more than what they have right now to be happy.  It’s possible that people without ambition are able to be the most present and can enjoy life more than others who are working to be more in the future.

I met a guy in Costa Rica who seemed happier than most I know. He told me he had no savings and shared a small apartment with roommates. He didn’t own a car or any sort of transportation. He walked 15 minutes to work everyday from his little house in the jungle.

He had a menial job, from my perspective anyhow, working at the little hotel I was staying at.  He manned the front desk and occasionally helped out at the hotel bar. To paint an accurate picture, the hotel had 8-10 rooms; the bar had 3 stools and 5-6 tables on an outdoor patio.  It wasn’t like he was working at the Ritz-Carlton.

When I spoke with him he was cordial, funny, intelligent and easy to get along with.  During our conversation we briefly discussed careers and aspirations.  When I asked him what he would like to do with his life, he smiled and calmly said “this, why would I want to do anything else with my life. I have a roof over my head, food to eat and people to share my life with.”  Part of me judged him as being unrealistic and full of shit for giving me that answer.  While another part of me was insanely jealous because his answer seemed genuine.

Ambition can, at times, be the root of all my suffering.  Wanting to be more, achieve more, make more.  The constant feeling of needing to work harder to be better.  Being a Type A personality, it’s ingrained in my default setting.

However, ambition can also be the driving force of most of my happiness.  The feeling of making progress in life and bettering myself may be the most addictive drug in the world.  However, too often I allow my happiness and contentment to depend on that feeling.  Needing to always be more can leave me feeling incomplete and dissatisfied with my life. (more…)

Mike Got it Right

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“It’s just a simple question of humility. If you’re not humble, life will visit humbleness upon you. I’m a really damaged human being, and it’s still such a struggle, but I’m going to fight to the end this time.” – Mike Tyson

When you think of Mike Tyson, eloquently composed quotes about life aren’t the first thing that come to mind.  But Mike summed it up perfectly in a manner I relate to wholeheartedly.  Maybe because I’m such a damaged person as well.

When I decide I’m the captain of the ship and I don’t need to do the little things to keep myself humble and on the right path, life has a way of right sizing me.  I preach the importance of gratitude in my life.  For the last two months my words and my actions haven’t been congruent.  I started to take my blessings for granted.

I struggle to hit my knees and pray.  I bullshit the process and go through the motions.  My words and thoughts aren’t genuine and don’t come from the heart.  For me, prayer show thanks and gratitude for my life; acknowledging there is a force greater than myself out there.  I pray on my knees as a sign of humbleness and humility.

I focus on the past and future instead of enjoying today.  I look at the obstacles in my life and don’t see progress being made to overcome them.  I want everything to play out in my time frame and on my terms.  That’s not how my life works. 

I’m partying too much, not getting enough sleep and getting sidetracked being hungover.  My social life is important to me.  I need to have fun. If I don’t I become very boring and judgmental of myself and others quickly.  I turn reclusive and I miss out on the people, places and experiences that make my life enjoyable. (more…)

Maybe I’ve Just Looked At It All Wrong

PERCEPTION

Single at 35, unsure about a career, living off my savings in a small apartment I rent with the only thing that loves me unconditionally, my dog.  I look at my life and feel like I am a failure.  I should own my own house, I can certainly afford it.  I should settle down, have a relationship and a family.  Live a more “normal” life.

People often tell me I need to put roots down and create a life somewhere.  But what if that’s not the path for me right now?  I have no urge to own my own house.  I only want a house because I am embarrassed by the fact I don’t own one at my age.  I’m embarrassed by how I choose to live even though I have the means to live much better.

I put all these outward expectations on myself.  I don’t live the life I envisioned I would at 35.  People probably look down on me and my behavior.  Wondering when I will pull my life together and “grow up.”  I beat the shit out of myself mentally and emotionally.  I have so much guilt and shame from my past and it spills over into how I judge my life today.

These past 5-6 months have been very difficult for me.  I lost my relationship with my girlfriend, her son and the life I thought I was going to live.  I am unhappy with my career choices.  I’m not making the type of money I am accustomed to.  Life has drastically changed in many ways.

During this time I have struggled with depression to the point that I have contemplated suicide on more than one occasion.  I have told myself that how I am living is unacceptable.  But why?  Who’s rules have I been living my life by?

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve fucked up a lot.  I have put life off for longer than I should.  Maybe I have Peter Pan Syndrome.  I’ve missed out on a lot of great opportunities and relationships in my life because of my choices.  However, those same choices are whats driving me to change my life for the better.

Fear is the driving force behind all my negative thoughts about my life.  Fear that I will never find someone to share my life with.  Fear that I will never have a family.  Fear that I wont be able to find success in the legitimate world.  Fear that I will end up like my father.  Fear that I will settle for a life less than I am capable of living.  Fear of making mistakes.  Fear of failure.  It’s this illusion of fear that I have allowed to run my life and keep me from living the life I deserve. (more…)