How I Sabotaged my day

Sabotage (1)

Waking up a bit hungover, after only getting four hours of sleep, wasn’t the best start to my Monday.  Sunday had been a good night.  Lots of laughs, a couple drinks, good company and it ended with the best blow job I have gotten in years.  All and all not a bad night.

I rolled around in bed for a good hour trying to fall back asleep before I made the executive decision to get up.  I had no plan for my day.  No goals or to do list.  I knew I needed to workout, take my dog to the park, read and write.  But I was shooting in the dark without any real structure.

I ate breakfast and tried to write for an hour before I went to gym.  I was quickly thrown off course when I checked the price of gold and saw it had skyrocketed.  I invest in some ETF’s based off of golds movement.  I checked my Sharebuilder account to see how much I had lost on paper.  Then I rechecked my account every two minutes for the next hour.  My OCD got the best of me.

Once I pulled myself out of obsessing over lost money I tried to write again.  I stared at my computer screen for about 5 minutes and decided to hit them gym.  I had already wasted most of my morning and was antsy to get moving.  Although my workout was subpar, I was happy I took care of one item on my mental check list.

Then came the texts!  One after the next from friends of mine complaining about issues they’re having in their lives.  Being the amazing, problem solving, self-indulgent friend that I am, I quickly doled out advice I knew none of them would follow.  Once again proving that I am the center of my own little universe and people need me to survive.

Then I had the nerve to get annoyed with my friends because they kept texting me for hours.  I could have stopped replying.  I even went as far as to text other people and tell them my day had the life drained out of it from everyone complaining to me about their lives.  Hypocrisy at its finest.

After I ate dinner I started reading.  I kept thinking about how much more I should have accomplished earlier in the day.  That thought process ate up more of my time wasting energy focusing on the past and what I should have done than actually reading.

By the time I got around to writing it was late.  I was already half checked out.  I started making a post, but I couldn’t get any traction.  So I moved to the next logical step.  I went on Facebook made a post babbling about the riots in Baltimore and called it a night.

This is how easily I can sabotage my day when I have no structure and my mind isn’t primed first thing in the morning.  I can waste 24 hours getting as little possible as done.  All while giving myself enough excuses not hate myself too much for flushing a day down the toilet.

I Can’t Write With My Dick In My Hand

“I should probably beat off. ”  I’m not sure why, but that’s the first thing that pops into my mind when I’m writing and get the slightest bit stuck.   I literally catch myself inching my hand off the keyboard and moving it towards my dick when the words aren’t flowing the way I want.  It’s this subconscious mechanism in my brain that tells me “This is hard work; jerking off would really help this process.”

american_reunionEven though I love writing and it makes me happy, I seem to love masturbation more.  I’m rarely disappointed when I finish masturbating.  Plus I always know the outcome and it takes much less effort.   With writing, sometimes I turn out junk that’s completely unusable and it takes me quite a long time.  Advantage, masturbation.

Some days I spend so much time going back in forth in my head about whether or not I should take a break to jerk off that I forget what I’m writing about.  It starts to consume me.  My focus becomes less on what I’m writing and more about why I shouldn’t masturbate.  I spend hours staring at my computer screen having this internal battle.

Then I start to lie to myself.  I manipulate my brain into believing that if I get this pent up feeling out, it will clear my head and I will be able to focus on my work. That’s usually the furthest thing from the truth.  As soon as I cum I don’t want to write or create.  All I usually want to do is eat some food, relax and maybe read or listen to some music.

Often I cave in to my urge.  It starts with me opening a new browser and pulling up one of my favorite sites.  I peruse a bit and get a little taste of what’s out there for me to watch.  I’ll start texting girls.  Maybe send out a couple dick pics, see if I can strike up some sex talk and possibly get them to send me some naked pictures.  It all devolves from there.

However, There are occasions when I get to the point of no return and stop.   I get all worked up and ready to go and then I tell myself, “No,  I have to focus on writing and get this post done.”  I make a deals in my head that as soon as I’m finished I can reward myself by jerking off.

At 35 it’s a daily struggle to do real work without ending up with my dick in my hand.  I’m starting to wonder if this is something I should just commit to before I start writing.  Take care of business beforehand so that it’s no longer an issue while I’m writing.  Looking at it with the same mindset of not going out on a date with a loaded gun.  Making sure I have clean pipes so I can think straight and my conversation doesn’t seem to desperate or eager.

Maybe that needs to be my new ritual.  It will be an experiment moving forward.  With my mind clear of these thoughts it’s possible the words will flow better and my posts will improve.  Life’s all about trial and error in order to learn and get better at you what do.

As a reader you can take comfort in knowing that I did not masturbate while writing this post.  You’re welcome.