Serenity Now!


What should you do when your mind feels blank or bound up and clogged by thoughts?   Write.  Write and don’t worry about what you’re writing.  No need to judge what comes out, worry about grammar or spellcheck as you’re doing it.

Turn off all filters and censors.  Simply put down onto paper whatever it is that pops up in your mind.  Your mind is always on no matter what.  The times when I feel empty and stifled creatively is usually when I have the most on my mind.  It’s lines and lines of code bouncing around in my head, sucking the life out of my ability to create.

With each word you write, a little more space and order is created inside your head.  Things that were frustrating and tying up your thoughts start to resolve themselves or fade away.  It’s spring cleaning for your psyche.  The more you purge the better you feel.

Getting ideas out of my head and into words causes mental and physical stress to die off.  The knots in my neck and back relax to a much more tolerable state.  It’s amazing what writing can do.

The harder it is to write, the more clutter you have in your head.  There is so much amazing content floating inside of you that you should never run out of material.

Before you know it, you may have written 500-1000 words without being aware of what you wrote.  It may not be your best material, or even good, but that’s not the point of the exercise.  It’s about freeing your thoughts and creating peace inside of you.

When I’m feeling the most stressed is when I have the the most difficulty writing.  My inner judge is telling me I have to create something amazing and worthy of sharing.  That pressure is usually too much for me, so I avoid writing all together.  That become a vicious cycle.  Every day I skip writing something, the more mind is cluttered and the my creativity is diminished.

When I’m able to write, free from censorship, the deeper the peace I feel in my life.  Writing allows me to strip away layers and bleed out toxic thoughts and feelings.  Put your thoughts on paper and read what you wrote.  It may not be a publishable work, but it may be exactly what you need to spark creativity and quiet your mind.

Your Trains Off the Track – What Doesn’t Work To Catch Up in Life


There’s many reasons we fall behind. We’re sick, bored, depressed, busy with other aspects of our life.

Life has a way of kicking our asses even when we’re in a solid place mentally with our actions being consistent and congruent with what we want to accomplish.

Right now, I’m stagnant and falling further behind. I’m struggling to control my actions and emotions. I’m acting like a childish dick who lost his lunch money on taco day – What the fuck am I going to eat now!

I’m not sure why I’m in this slump. I’m uncertain of what will work to get my life back in order and on the tracks after I’ve derailed. However, I’m absolutely sure these things won’t help anyone play catch-up.

  1. Beating the shit out of yourself for being in your current position – This one is always they hardest for me to avoid. I can be very self deprecating and drive myself into a further hole with all the belittling self-talk. I have to get to a point where I say “Ok self, I’ve most likely made some really shitty decisions to get into the situation I’m in, I can’t change what’s happened, but I can work on making my future situation much more enjoyable and fruitful.” I have to stand up to myself and put the negative voices in their place in order to have the mental freedom to make progress.
  2. Rushing to get everything back together in a couple of days – This leads to more stress, aggravation and subpar output in your performance. When I rush, I end up having to redo the task down the road in order for it to be worthy of being considered complete.
  3. Forcing yourself to do the things you hate at the wrong times – Work on the things you are motivated to do at that time. If you’re forcing yourself to make sales calls when you really have the burning desire to create marketing materials, you will end up banging your head into the phone and your potential customers will sense that in your voice and tone. Prioritize your to do’s based off of what you can produce at the highest level of quality at this juncture.
  4. Continuing to remind yourself of how far behind you are – I get it! I’m not where I need to be. My life’s in shambles, I’m overwhelmed by list of to-do’s, I’m not sure what task to start with and I’m driving myself crazy over it. At this point, I need to politely tell myself to “Fuck Off” and pick ONE thing I have some motivation to do. As I work on that one item, I’m always surprised by how motivated I become to do something else. Especially when I’m really engaged and excited by the results of what I’m creating. It’s a process of moving forward; objects in motion, tend to stay in motion.
  5. Wasting time on your fucking phone – The answers you’re looking for aren’t on Facebook, Tinder, SnapChat or anywhere else on that productivity drain we call a smartphone. On numerous occasions, I’ve spent 45+ minutes sitting on the toilet (not actually going to the bathroom) checking out each social media app on my phone looking for answers and this is what I’ve found. Your news feed is full of idiots talking about shit they don’t understand, SnapChat is making you jealous of other people’s lives that appear to be much better than yours for the 10 second snap they recorded and the person your chatting with on Tinder will most likely be a giant disappointment because they don’t look like their pictures. There, I’ve just saved you an hour or more of your day by summarizing what you’re going to see every time you jump on social media. Don’t get me wrong, there is a time and place to enjoy all these aspects of social media, but that time isn’t right now when you’re already down and behind on your life. Forget about that shit for a while and focus on what matters, YOU!

Confinement – Sentenced To Serve


Rules exist in our minds.  The rhetoric we have been taught for all of our lives has shaped who we’ve become.  Very few people ( including myself at times) know how to think and feel on their own.  We base our thoughts and feelings off of what society has shown us.  Unable to breakdown ideals to their most basic principles and evaluate them for what they are.  Never looking for a deeper understanding, because somewhere along the way we were taught to process events in our life as good or bad and we accepted that with certainty.

Humans have a nasty tendency to view circumstances in our world as personal.  Only taking into consideration how our live’s are effected at the present time.   However, there is a paradigm shift which starts with perspective.  We can look at occurrences as corrections or validations of our actions.  If something doesn’t work out it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bad.  Instead, it could be viewed as a sign it wasn’t right for us at present or we need to change our approach.

For example, I’ve destroyed all of my intimate relationships in the past.  Yet I complain about not being able to find someone to share my life with.  I continue to look for girls in all the wrong places.  If nothing changes, nothing changes.  What didn’t work for me then, still isn’t going to work for me today.  My methods and reasoning are flawed.  It’s like trying to open your front door with the same wrong key, over and over again.  No one would ever try that, it would be insane.  It’s life’s way of telling me to try something new.

Building something new is hard.  I don’t know the outcome, so I’m apprehensive.  I’ve sought out routine and comfort, fearing the results of trying something new.  I’ve been afraid I knew better and shamed myself for trying something new only to fail.

I woke up and realized I had the “things” I wanted for so long; only to realize those “things” weren’t what gave my life meaning.  They validated my insecurities and padded my ego, but never gave me a sense of fulfillment or being whole – That can only be found by living a life you are proud of.  Filling life with as much of the content that truly feeds your soul.  Everything else will eventually lose it’s appeal.  Looks fade, cars get old and money can’t fill the voids inside. (more…)

Pardon My Absence

The last several weeks since my surgery I’ve sat around and felt sorry for myself.  Constantly asking “why me?”  I’ve made myself a victim of circumstances I created.

I chose to play science experiment on my body and pollute myself with everything imaginable for many years.  That was my fault and my doing. I can’t blame anyone else.  Life and the choices we make have a way of catching up to us.  Not everyone will face that reality, but most will.

I’ve wasted my time the last three weeks doing very little to better myself.  Watching reruns and stalking social media.  I looked for every excuse to be miserable and sad instead of looking for opportunity in this tragedy.  I haven’t appreciated all of my friends and family who have reached out, visited and supported me.  I’ve been too concerned about the weight I’ve lost, how I look, and the things I can no longer do.

During this time I’ve had someone close to me break my heart when I felt I needed them the most. Once again that was my fault. I put faith and expectations on a person who could never step up in the role I wanted, because they are no longer capable of being the person I need.  I knew that and brought that pain on myself.  I need to own that instead of letting the anger and disappointment become toxic to my life and recovery.

I’ve thrown the worlds biggest pity party for myself.  I traveled down the path of my opiate addiction.  Abusing the medicine I truly need for my physical pain, in order to numb the mental pain I feel.  I haven’t wanted to accept my circumstances.  I’ve only wanted to escape from my reality.  I know this serves me no purpose other than to drag me down further into a hole of depression, anxiety and sadness.

What I’m facing is scary and causes me to look at my own mortality.  I have liver cancer.  It’s not a death sentence.  But, I know there will be a tough fight ahead of me to beat this.  Staying positive, active and being my own advocate are going to be incredibly important to my recovery.

If I continue to act as I have I will allow this to break me.  I’m better than that and I have faced adversity before.  I want to live and better the world around me.  Not succumb to circumstances because I was a quitter.

If I have learned nothing else from this, I realize I am such a fortunate individual to have so many amazing people in my life who have helped me so much.  I especially want to thank Chris McNichol.  I don’t know how I would have gotten through all this without you.  The time and effort you have put in helping me at Fox Chase, well I don’t even have the words to describe how grateful I am.

I want to thank everyone who’s been there for me.  I know I’ve been a huge pain in the ass.  Thank you for continuing to care and picking me up when I fall down.  I love each and every one of you for your support.  I’m sorry for how I’ve acted up to this point and I promise to pull myself together. I wouldn’t have been able to start climbing my way back up and facing all of this without all of you.  I don’t know that I can ever repay any of you, but I would like to try.

Be Careful What You Let Into Your Mind


I’m wearing my tinfoil hat as I write this post.  You may want to break out yours too.

Over the last six weeks my mindset has changed greatly.  I believe in the Law of Attraction.  What you think about you bring about.  I’ve focused on fear and negativity, which caused me to make poor decisions repeatedly.  Everything I touched turned to shit.  Even my dog has been keeping her distance from me.

My insecurities are overflowing and spilling out into all areas of my world.  The universe is taking from me.  I want to quit, cash in my chips, get a job with a steady paycheck and give up on my dreams.

I’m afraid.  Afraid I will fail and go broke, never reaching my goals.  Essentially, turning into my father.  That’s the scariest thought of all.

My OCD kicks in like crazy at times like this.  I want to sit around and obsess over everything that has gone wrong.  painstakingly revisit every mistake I made and allow my inner dialogue to tell me what I should have done.  It’s like having a wound I need to keep touching to make sure it still hurts.

I haven’t been taking care of myself and doing the things I love.  When I write I feel like I ‘m complaining about my problems.  Everyone has enough of their own problems, no one needs to read about mine.

I look back at what changed over the last six weeks and one thing stands out screaming right in my face.  My ex girlfriend and I started talking and seeing each other again.  Since we started to speaking the following transpired:

  1. My dog broke her femur and had major reconstructive surgery to repair her leg.  The surgery cost over $6,000.  Thankfully shes healing up great.
  2. My dog had to have a mast cell tumor removed
  3. I’ve let myself go physically.  I haven’t been eating or exercising properly.  Some of this is related to health issues
  4. I’ve lost $25k (on paper) in the stock market.
  5. I have developed some sort of Autoimmune disease.  I find out more this week.
  6. I found out last week I need a rather invasive surgery to remove a tumor from my liver.


I Need to Dry Out


My body and mind feel like mush.   I’m mentally and physically drained.  I think I may be getting an ulcer again.  But I’ve been having the best times.

That’s the crossroads of my life right now.  At 35, finding the work hard/play hard balance is an onerous experiment.  Moderation is not my best virtue.  I walk a very fine line between no play and overindulgence.  It’s a constant battle of checks and balances.

Summer time in Philly means pool parties, the shore and multitude of social events.  The spring and summer are my favorite times of the year.  Once it starts getting cold my Seasonal Affect Disorder kicks in and I want to hibernate.

I’ve been investing my time going out, being social and meeting new people. I have become more of an introvert over the past couple years.  Being comfortable allowing others into my life and growing my social circle is important to me.

However, I’m starting to tip the line of being a bad adult.  At times I am completely irresponsible.   For instance, last weekend I had planned to stay in Friday night.  I was relaxing on my couch trying to fall asleep when a friend texted me and asked me meet him for a cheesesteak.  It sounded completely innocuous so I obliged.  Next thing I knew it was 7 AM and I was pulling back up to my house. (more…)

The ‘How-to” Guide For Disrupting Positive Flow

Lately I have completely lost my state of flow.  My schedule is a mess  and my productivity level is at nightmare status.  Not only has this been chaotic for my work life, but it has also taken a toll on my health and my body.  I fully believe that when someone is struggling mentally,  physical issues will manifest shortly there after. I’m having digestive issues, my body fat has increased while muscle mass decreased, I’m physically weak and have almost unbearable back pain.

I’ve seen countless articles on how to enter the flow state.  This post is the complete opposite.  I think it’s a helpful prophylactic to reverse engineer the process in order to see what behaviors caused the problem.  Especially when so many seem rather trivial.  But it’s a snowball effect that escalates quickly.  The list of actions below is  how I created the predicament I find myself in. (more…)