Sex, Self Respect and Hiding In A Bathroom

Bathtub Boy

I’ve slept with hundreds of women.  I don’t have any clue what the exact number is, but hundreds.  I’m not saying this now to brag or pretend I’m some “ladies man.”  However, I used to.  It was how I assessed my value as a man.  I wore that shit on my sleeve like a badge of honor.  I would tell anyone who would listen about my conquests to try in order to pump myself up.  I’ve talked about this before to an extent in my writing.

All of my friends loved my stories and I loved entertaining them.  I used to make jokes about all my “victims” as I called them.  I remember in college leaving the bar with a girl and my friends yelling, “just another victim.”  I thought it was hilarious.  I got laid and I got to demean the girl at the same time proving how Alpha I was, or so I thought.  Nothing could have been further from the truth

It was all bullshit.  I was an insecure shell of a man.  Racking up numbers sleeping with women is how I derived my self worth.  The same way some people equate their net worth to their self worth.   I was never comfortable enough with myself so I sought the approval of women.  Of course, the ultimate approval was determined by them sleeping with me.

I didn’t care who I used or who I hurt at the time as long as I got what I wanted.  Most of the time I didn’t even enjoy having sex with these girls.  Normally, about two minutes into the act I would question what I was doing and the anxiety would set in.  The only thought in my mind was how I could end this nightmare and get away from the girl.  If I ever wore a condom, which was rare, I would fake an orgasm so I could stop and get out of the situation. (more…)