Tag: success

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The Pain and Power of Self-Doubt

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I doubt myself everyday.  I wake up ready to take on the day with my to-do list and a positive attitude.  Then I don’t have a good workout, my stocks lose money, everything I do seems to take twice as long to complete as it should and I start to picture my life as a failure.  I visualize my portfolio going to zero, running out of money, never making another dollar in my life, never finding someone to share my life with.  Then the daydream nightmare stops.  There isn’t anything past that.  My mind can’t process anything after I’ve lost it all.  I don’t see myself committing suicide or living on the street, there is just nothing.

Maybe my mind stops because it knows there is very little chance of any of this occurring.  Or possibly I have become so accustomed to living a fairy tale life I can’t even perceive what that type of financial hardship would create.  What life would look like having to work a dead end job to make ends meet and live an existence which is tantamount to “just getting by.”

I’ve lived a life where I didn’t have to work very hard, in comparison to others, to have nice things and lots of free time.  I’ve made my own schedule for the last 7-8 years and rarely had legitimate financial worries.  The thought of my life changing from what I’ve become accustomed to scares the shit out of me.  I don’t want to be on someone else’s schedule, working on the time frames they create for me.  I don’t see myself allowing my life to go in that direction.  But the reality is it could occur one day and the lifestyle I’ve become accustomed to would die.

I fear wasting the time I have left to live.  Continuing along with the same bad habits which have kept me from having exactly what I want.  I always feel as if I am so close to turning the corner in so many areas of my life, but I cant quite get there.  Something unexpected happens and I never quite recover.  I get disappointed and become guarded which makes me want to avoid taking risks and being vulnerable because I’m afraid to face the pain of failure again. (more…)

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Purpose and Progress

Last night I made the decision that my life had fallen off track the last couple of weeks.  Ever since my vacation to California I had become unproductive and had lost focus of my goals.  My life had become all about play and very little about work.  I decided this was no longer acceptable and I needed to correct my behavior in order to restore some balance to my life.

Last night I set my alarm earlier than normal so I could get a head start on a productive day.  As the alarm on my phone blared its annoying cry this morning at 6:30 I tried to figure out why I was getting up early.

I could think of 100 reasons why I wanted to hit snooze and stay in bed.  I had fallen asleep late.  I woke up several times during the night.  My allergies were killing me.  My dog was being adorable the way she way laying with me.  But I literally couldn’t think of one reason as to why I should get up and start my day.

The outcome was obvious; I hit snooze.  Over and over.  After the fourth time I hit snooze I finally woke up, measured my dick, hit my knees, said my morning prayer then went to the kitchen to make myself a protein shake and eat 2 tablespoons of coconut oil.

article-2268950-1730381E000005DC-879_634x654The sad reality of what got me out of bed this morning is that I had an erection I wanted to measure.  Lately I’ve been feeling like my penis hasn’t been working correctly.  This has been a struggle for me ever since I got off steroids almost two years ago because I now have low testosterone levels.  In my mind it looks and feels much smaller than I remember.  This summer it felt and worked fine but I had a mental blow to my ego/penis that made me second guess the whole situation.

The only motivating factor that could drive me out of bed this morning was my fear and insecurity.  I had a good, full erection that felt right for once and I wanted to get out of bed quickly to measure it before It went flaccid.  Once I measured it I felt a little better and started my day.

On days like this it’s clear to me I struggle with my vision and purpose.  When my thoughts about staying in bed asleep far outweigh my ability to wake up and start my day, I know there is a huge disconnect.  I can make 1000 excuses as to why I couldn’t wake up and start my day early.  But the reality is I didn’t have a strong sense of purpose for my day.

I had my list of goals I want to accomplish today written down.  I made sure to look it over last night before bed as a reminder of the productive day I needed to have today.  But when my alarm went off I couldn’t think of anything on that list.  The comfort of laying in bed was overwhelming.  I came very close to cashing in my day before it even started.

These days become all too common in our lives.  We only get up out of a sense of fear that if we don’t we will experience negative repercussions in our lives.  We may miss our bus,  get fired from our job for not being on time or get up out of fear that our penis shrank.  But how long can those negative factors be the driving force in our lives and allow us to have a meaningful and successful existence.

For me, fear only drives me enough to do the bare minimum to get the job done.  There’s usually not a lot of satisfaction in things I do out of fear.  Facing my fears and doing things because they scare me, not because I am scared of what happens when I don’t do them, is something altogether different.  For me that’s where purpose comes in.  Part of what makes me feel alive is doing new activities that I am afraid of or being put in situations that take me out of my comfort zone.

My purpose may change daily.  But without purpose my days just exist.  They tend to lack meaning and rarely lead to any progress.  They become the rat race, drowning in the tedium of everyday life.

My purpose doesn’t need to be some grandiose goal every day.  But it needs to have meaning and serve my life in a manner that allows me to create progress.  When I am able to create progress my life becomes a journey.  Turning life into a game by challenging myself through daily experiments to see what I can accomplish so that life can have more meaning than just getting out of bed to measure my boner.

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I Want To Be The Drunk Guy Dancing At The Bar

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I turned to my friends and said “look at those idiots, I’m so glad we don’t have to do that.”  I ridiculed the guys dancing at the bar, trying so desperately to meet girls.

In reality, most of the those people are out there living life and having fun.  They are the ones who have real courage.  They aren’t afraid to look foolish to people like me.  I sit back and judge, but often I don’t have the balls to be out there doing what they are.

Now I don’t necessarily want to be the drunk guy dancing like a maniac at the bar; even though I have.  However, in my mind, it’s a perfect analogy for people who do exactly what they feel like doing.  They don’t worry about other people’s judgments, they just go for it.  That’s the person I want to be in all aspects of my life.

For the last 10-15 years I was “too cool” to try new things.  I felt I didn’t need to do these activities because they were below someone like me.  It’s insane how I would spin this shit in my head.  The fact is I wasn’t confident in myself.  I feared how other people viewed me.  Deep down I looked up to those who conquered their fears and dance drunk at the bar.  They don’t seem to fear rejection.  They feel they have something to offer and aren’t afraid to prove it.

Years and years of getting what I wanted without having to try very hard put me at a disadvantage.  I missed out on an important skill set for a successful life.  The ability to deal with rejection and failure.

I listen to the voices in my head that tell me I can’t do things.  I’m not good enough or I don’t have the skills.  My mind will come up with any excuse why things won’t work out or why I didn’t really want something in the first place.  This is inner dialogue that wants to trap me and keep my life small.

Today I fear taking little risks like talking to strangers, starting new businesses, approaching a girl.  When I put that into perspective of how I have lived my life for the last 20 years it’s insane.  If I fail at talking to a girl, she tells me no and I feel a little embarrassed.  If I fail with a company, I may lose money and set myself back financially.  If I failed in my old lifestyle, I would have easily ended up doing 5-10 years in jail.  To a normal, well adjusted adult this equation doesn’t add up.

For the longest time I rarely second guessed what I was doing.  I knew the consequences of my actions, as well as the repercussions that came along with my choices.  But, it seemed worth it somehow.  Part of me felt I didn’t have anything to lose at the time.  I became a victim of my own circumstances.  I convinced myself this was how I wanted to live my life.  Don’t get me wrong, at times I was scared for my freedom and there were many sleepless night.

Normal, healthy risks in life scare the shit out of me.  I create irrational thought processes in my head based on fear.  Even when there is no evidence anything horrible will happen.  To quote Jamie Foxx, “on the other side of fear there is nothing.”  There is no definite outcomes in life, only what we can create.

Doing the same thing every day is my nightmare – A fate worse than death.  Turning today into an experiment makes life exciting.  What can accomplish and how can I make progress?  Answering those questions makes my life worth living.  If I’m lucky (I use that word in loosest sense) things may even go my way.  I will taste success that day.

When I try something new I build confidence in who I am and what I can endure.  I reinforce the lesson that pain and rejection won’t kill me.  I can’t dwell on the past or worry about the future because my mind is forced to be present and focused on what is occurring this very second.   That’s what being alive is about; living right now.  Nothing can every happen in the past or the future, because all there is is now.

Quieting the noise that goes on in our mind’s establishes mental freedom.  Tune those voices out and see how much better your life becomes.  Go out, get hammered and dance your ass off to whatever song you choose.

 

 

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That Feeling In Your Gut When You Just Know

There are very few things quite as powerful as your gut instinct.  It’s amazing how intuitive we really are as humans. How much our body gives us so many signs and clues as to what we should and shouldn’t be doing if we truly pay attention.

The obvious things that hold us back from truly following our gut are fear and doubt.  Those two things are a son-of-a-bitch.  They can wreak havoc on your outlook and life.  We all can very easily persuade ourselves to think that gut feeling is just a pipe dream.  Perhaps we started to late for it to work, or its too difficult a task for us.  Those things may all very well be true.  However, no one ever truly knows unless they try.

Wayne Gretzky said “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” I am a firm believer in this affirmation. There are so many points in my life that I look back on with regret saying “fuck I should have done this back then.”  The reality is that some of these things I still want to do and can do with my time.

I REALLY like the excuse of “Im too old” or “I missed the wave.”  Those two thoughts allow me to be a giant pussy from time to time.  Never attacking the passions and goals I have.  I hate the thought of starting over. Not making money and having to worry about finances makes me cringe.  The sad reality is that I AM starting over now at 35 anyway.  I quit my previous career over a year ago.  I’ll get into that whole bag of shit at another time.  Time is passing anyway so I should just start over doing something I love and have a passion to do.

An hour ago a friend texted me asking me about working out.  She was talking about how she wanted to tone up and and she needed help.  She lives near me so I just offered to train her a couple times a week.  I got so excited when she said yes.  I love training people.  In general, I have a passion to help anyone reach any goal they may have.  It’s a fucking amazing feeling.  Plus, I figured it will force me to go a couple more times a week.  It will be great way to get in summer shape for me as well.

All of the sudden I got that feeling of fire in my gut.  That feeling of excitement to use my gifts and knowledge to help someone else.  By helping others I get back such an amazing amount of fulfillment internally.  This was gods way of giving me another kick in the ass saying “hey dumby this is what you should be doing with your time”

I started making some goals in my head.  Get my training certifications.  Write more.  Start helping people reach their goals mentally and physically.  Train people. Start a meal prep company like a friend of mine has in Baltimore (If you are down in the Baltimore area check him out https://www.facebook.com/fitfoods2you).  Then the reasons started pouring in of why I cant do this.

  • I already committed to business last year and spent a lot of time and effort working on it
  • I have to get my training certificate and that’s hard and time consuming
  • I should have done this 10 years ago when I first had the idea
  • Im not good enough
  • And most of all IM JUST PLAIN, OLD AFRAID TO LOOK STUPID AND FAIL

All those excuses for the most part are just bullshit.  Yes, there is some truth and failing is a possibility.  But I can fail doing shit I hate doing.  Which has happened to me on several occasions.  The reality is its easy too dream and hard to create.  It takes a huge leap of faith into the unknown.  It takes facing the fears of what could be the treacherous reality in the future.  It takes courage, confidence and hard work ethic.  I have lacked these three things in many aspects of my life over the years.

I fear putting myself out there and how others will receive me. I fear taking risks because I could fail and look less than to others and myself.  I fear that I don’t have the capacity to handle the turmoil and hurt of failure. The funniest thing about this ridiculous fear is that for the vast majority of my life I took huge risks with my freedom to make a living.  Its strange how that fear never stopped me even though it was always on my mind.

I keep reminding myself that all the things that made me safe and successful on the other side of the law can be applicable on the legit side.  I need to develop the work ethic and courage to fall on my face a couple times and keep picking myself up.  I need to be firm, but fair with myself and my abilities.

I have been out of the legitimate business world for such a long time.  Many of the skills that made me successful 8-10 years ago in corporate America have rust on them.  It will take time to polish them up and get them up to a speed that I feel is acceptable and truly produce results.  Until that time I need to keep making mistakes and learning from them.  Once my skills are at that level I will need to strive to keep getting better.  Progressing by pumping out more and more reps and continuing to learn. Complacency is one of the most evil and dangerous character defects out there.

I see SO MANY people out there that have started out with much less of a cushion financially than I have and done SO MUCH more.  Many of these same people also lacked many of the skills and abilities I have.  They know much less about how a business is run and the inner workings of day to day operations.  Very few have tasted the type of financial success I have and don’t fear living with less the way I do.

WHAT THESE PEOPLE DO NOT LACK IS CONFIDENCE, DRIVE, AND THE UNCANNY ABILITY TO CHASE THEIR DREAMS AND MAKE THEM A REALITY.  They do not fear what others think.  In their minds they are already successful.  These types of attributes can’t be bought or faked.  However, they can be learned. Every time you face your fears and take it head on, no matter what the outcome is you learn invaluable lessons about yourself and life.  Those lessons are the building blocks to a happy, successful and fulfilling life.  Just like reps in the gym.  You build the muscles to change your life.  You wont always come out on top but if you can keep pushing forward you will grow an amazing confidence in your abilities.  You will be able to create the world around you that you always dreamed of.  I have seen this happen to others around me in many different aspects of their lives, not just financially.  It is something to truly revel

 

 

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