Great….Another Dating App Post


My OCD now controls my use of dating apps.  I’m not talking interacting on dating apps, I mean the actual manner of how I use the apps.   There’s a process I have to stick to.

First, I only use the apps when I’m taking a shit.  I figure I’m stuck there for a couple of minutes, so I might as well make it me time and check out the dating world.  Occasionally I’ll still go on and swipe when I’m bored or I’m procrastinating at other times of the day.   But, It’s rare.  I do the majority of my dating work while sitting on the can.

Second, I must start out using Bumble.  I’m not sure why, but it’s what my brain tells me to do.  So I listen like a good little soldier.

I open the app and I hit the little blinky fucking diamond icon at the top right of the screen so I can see how many people swiped right for me.  There’s a preview that shows the number of possible matches you may have, but it doesn’t show you who they are.   The premium, paid version of bumble shows you who swiped right for you before you even come across them.  I don’t have bumble premium anymore because it depressed me too much.  I would go on and see all the monsters that swiped right for me and started to worry about my attractiveness.  I’m getting close to midlife crisis time and my ego is way to fucking fragile for that.  Plus it defeated the purpose of playing it like a game and I got bored quickly .

So anyway, I look at the number of possible matches then I start to swipe.  I’m incredibly OCD and need to swipe in batches of 10.  I can’t close the app or look at my matches until I hit a multiple of ten.  I count off each person one by one.  Sometimes, I’ll see how long I can keep swiping without matching in multiples of ten.  Those are usually really slow days in my life that I’m not proud of.

Third, I hit up tinder. I’m usually disgusted with what I see within 5-7 swipes.  I’m even more disgusted with myself that none of them found me attractive enough to match with me.  However, there’s times when I start off with 8-10 very attractive girls in their early twenties, which piques my interest.  I’ll swipe right vigorously on their pics.  I can feel myself making a pervy face and grunting when I do it.  After I don’t match with any of them In multiples of ten, I close the app, wipe my ass and go about my day.

You’re welcome dating world.

Fuck You Dating World


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I’m not so proud to admit this, but when I’m bored, lonely or procrastinating (and I don’t feel like beating off anymore that day), I troll on dating apps.  When I feel this way, I’m not actually trying to meet anyone, I just want to feel better about myself or pass time until something more exciting happens in my life.   I jump from app to app on my phone – I have 3 or 5, I’m not certain.

I start out looking for girls I find attractive and I swipe right to see if we match .  Some days I’m on fire and I match with everyone I’m attracted too.  Today wasn’t that day.

I quickly progressed from looking for attractive women to, please, for the love of God will someone fucking match with me before I hate myself.  After 10 or so swipes right with no matches on multiple apps, I started looking at the girls a little differently.   I examined each girl and all of their pictures, trying to convince myself they were a good choice.  I sunk as low as reading their profiles trying to find something attractive about them.  I never fucking read profiles, who has time for that?  Still no matches.

As I expanded my preferences I lost more and more self-respect.  I was so desperate to feel validation and it wasn’t happening.  I was Super-Liking, asking girls about their day that had  matched with me weeks before.  I starving for attention like so many other sad sacks of shit out in the dating world.

Finally, I gave up and swiped right for everyone.  I never saw their pictures, I simply swiped.  I started counting: 46, 47, 68, 49, are you fucking kidding me? Nothing, not one single match.

I found myself angry at the Apps.  Clearly they must have a bug in them.  All of them.  It’s not me.

This went on for the better part of an hour.  I was defeated.  I couldn’t bring myself to do it anymore, so I went into the kitchen and made myself some dinner.  The meal consisted of the saddest chicken you have ever seen, some kale I pulled out of the bag and stuffed directly into my mouth, then I washed it all down with a tablespoon of olive oil.

Right now I want to jump right back on my phone.  I’m a glutton for punishment.  I’d go back to my old flip phone to avoid this, but then how would I watch porn?


Tinder Beware


I matched with this girl on Tinder.  I sent her a message saying, “you have great sideboob.”  It was the best thing I could think of.

Normally I don’t read profiles, but something told me I should read her’s.  It was rather aggressive.  She mentioned liking boobs, so I felt my opener was appropriate.

We chatted for a little bit and I gave her my number.

One night I got a text from her telling me she was sick.  We made some inane small talk.  The conversation wasn’t going anywhere.  She lost interest quickly.

I wasn’t nearly as aggressive as I should have been.  I think at one point I even asked if I could do anything for her to make her feel better.  I’m sure her vagina dried up immediately.

About a week ago I noticed she added me as a friend on SnapChat.  When I checked out her snap, the first thing I saw was her dancing around naked.  She captioned the video, “Feed me dicks.” Apparently she’s a porn star.

I became intrigued and I googled her SnapChat username, which happens to be her porn name as well.  Instantly a list of scenes she had acted in, across various genres, appeared.

At first I was relieved nothing happened. Then a wave of sadness hit me.

I started asking myself questions:

Why didn’t I pursue a fun evening with this girl?  She seems like a good time.

Did I miss my window of opportunity?

Should I try to text her again, or possibly message her on SnapChat?

How didn’t I realize she was in porn?

This line of questioning lasted for a day. Then I moved on.  I won’t lie, occasionally I check out her Snaps.   She’s either high, partying or naked.  Which is much more entertaining than most people I follow.

I guess I shouldn’t have been too shocked to find out she did porn.  The “I love Bang Bros” shirt she was wearing in her profile picture should have given it away.


What’s That Say About You?


I’m not a solid dude. I’m that asshole on Tinder women like you (or how you used to be) seem to be looking for. Someone who’s self centered, self involved, damaged and unavailable. I’m not sure whats the appeal — maybe its the muscles, tattoos and the white-trash-handsome look. Either way it seems to work.

I guess it’s the same reason I chase all the wrong women. I like a challenge, I want to save someone and I’m a glutton for punishment.

My bio starts out with me trying to be funny.  But really it’s just me being obnoxious, “Charming handsome, well adjusted.” These are just a few adjectives used to describe me when I recently polled the women I dated. The other adjectives aren’t worth mentioning.” Yet some women find that cute and interesting.

I look like “that guy” in most of my tinder pics. Trying to sneak in as many shirtless pictures as possible. Occasionally I throw in a couple pics of me and my dog to show how loving and compassionate I am. Women seem to love my dog.

It’s a game we all play. Well at least those of us who want everything and everyone that’s wrong for us. Chasing what isn’t meant for me is one of my favorite pastimes. It usually always ends up in frustration, pain and tears, but most arrangements like that usually do. c’est la vie

Episode 19.5 – Technical Difficulties

1204-stiches-mugshot-3Unfortunately this week we had some issues.  A technical mishap made the second half of the show unusable.  We salvaged the first 25 minutes and rolled with it.

The episode opens with KRS writing an E-mail suggestion to Tinder and Bumble that is completely taken out of context.  An attempt at a comical E-mail leaves him with concerns about being placed on a watch list.  Which leads us into another prime example of poor choices and the possible dangers of dating apps.

In our ShowerThought segment we ponder: There are no rhymes in sign language, how archaeologists will view the remains of Disney World, the real moral of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Mcribs – the deadbeat dad of fast food industry and the ability to ruin families with a simple anonymous letter.

Our news segment gets cut way short.  But not before we discuss KRS’s favorite guilty pleasure, the rapper Stitches.  A recent altercation at a Miami night club left Stitches looking for his street cred anywhere he could find it after an embarrassing one punch KO.

The rest of the recording was shot.  We apologize for the technical difficulties.  We promise to form like Voltron and come hard during upcoming episodes.


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Tinder Treasure – My Contribution To The Dating Population


It irked me.  Was I seeing her, but she wasn’t seeing me?  That can’t be right.  What type of shit is this?

I was playing on Tinder and Bumble and I started to wonder why I match with very few girls in the 18-22 year old range.  It certainly couldn’t be how I looked.  I’m hot, who wouldn’t want this?  I mean, I have a giant head, but no one’s perfect.Vegas

Then I got thinking.  Maybe the reason I don’t match with girls in my preferred age range is due to the fact the apps are showing me ALL girls who fall into the specified age range.  Instead of seeing ONLY girls in the age range I chose who want a guy my age.  Could my hypothesis be possible?  Did Tinder and Bumble not think to make age range viewing reciprocal? – It seems simple and logical that if you like girls from the ages of 20-25 and you are 35, you would only see girls from ages 20-25 who are interested in guys my age.  right? (more…)

Episode 6: The Tinder Games

We open with a belated shout out to marriage equality and lead right in to KRS’s Tinder Drinking Game.  He contrasts his Tinder experience in Philly with his time in Orange County, CA earlier this summer, and we have an unfortunate discussion on D-pics.  We close the first segment with 80/20 rule and some hard truths on attraction in the digital age.

In the news, KRS unpacks some feelings on the Confederate flag controversy this summer.  Our Shower Thoughts segment launches on Donald Trump and lands with a frank discussion on immigration.  We close with our final segment, Meditations and a Chinese proverb: “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago.  The second best time, is now”

This is the companion audio to Chris’s blog post: Keep on Swiping

Twitter: @WhyTheHellBlog


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This episode sponsored by, use promo code WTH at checkout for Free Shipping and 10% off your order. You can also support the show by clicking through our link when shopping.

Keep On Swiping

ILLUSTRATION - Auf einem Smartphone ist am 18.02.2014 in Stuttgart (Baden-Württemberg) das Logo der App Tinder zu sehen. Photo by: Franziska Kraufmann/picture-alliance/dpa/AP Images

I was sweating and my thumbs were aching.  I couldn’t stop swiping.  It was like a horrible addiction.  I couldn’t kick that dirty bitch Tinder.  I kept telling myself to close the app.  But then I had to see who would pop up next; maybe she would be the one I needed to swipe right for.

Dating has become game.  I mean that literally not figuratively.  Swiping left or right decides the fate of who you may or may not date.  I started making games to see how many times I could swipe left before I would shut the app.  Or I would tell myself That I had to swipe right at least once for every ten girls profiles I saw.

Tinder became more about how many people I matched with rather than who the person was.  I never read their profiles.  I only based my decisions off of their pictures and physical attraction. (more…)

The Greatest Drinking Game On Earth

“Just swipe right as fast as you can for a minute straight.”  These were the directions my friend gave me as we embarked upon the most fun 15 minutes I’ve had in a long time.

A few months ago my friend and I got drunk at a Mexican restaurant and she introduced me to my first  drinking game using Tinder.  The rules are simple: Open the app and swipe right for one minute as fast as humanly possible.  Whoever matches with the most people during that round is the winner.  The loser of the round must drink one second for every person the winner matched with (i.e. 15 matches, drink 15 seconds).  Pretty simple right?

After three rounds of swiping right the fun part of the game starts.  By then each player should have at least 15-20 matches.  The final challenge is to get one of the people you matched with to send you a picture of their boobs or genitals.  This is where the game usually devolves pretty quickly.  The lowest common denominator came out quickly for me. (more…)