Useful Bits of Advice

The Easiest Ways NOT to Reach Your Goals In The New Year – A How to Guide


It’s New Year’s resolution time.  Is everyone as excited as I am about it.  You know what that means?  New year, new me and all that bullshit we love to say.  Maybe you plan to lose weight, gain weight, start a new career or simply become a better person.  But, most likely you won’t.  I’m not being negative, I’m being realistic.

Making real change in your life is incredibly difficult.  It takes conscious effort and consistency on a daily basis.  Reflecting on the resolutions I’ve made in the past, I couldn’t stick to them for more than a few months, much less achieve them.  Having said that, I have very little advice on making your resolutions become reality.  What I can tell you are a few surefire ways to ensure you won’t ever be the “new you” you want to be.

  1. Keep complaining– This is one area people really excel at.  There’s rarely a lack of consistency with their complaining efforts (myself included).  The good part is, if you continually complain hard enough, life eventually gets way better. Right?  Nope, I’m a fucking liar.  Your life will suck worse the more you complain.  If you achieve mastery of skill, you will actually be able to complain about complaining.  That’s ninja-level.
  2. Put life off– Tell yourself you will do it tomorrow.  Or maybe push it off until next week, that sounds even better. Wait for certain life events until you can finally take action or be happy.  Because once these magical events occur, THEN you will finally be able to start living.  Maybe after you miraculously lose ten pounds by eating pizza, drinking alcohol and sitting on your couch, you will finally be ready to hit the gym and get the body you’ve been dreaming about.
  3. Lie to yourself–  This is like masturbation; you’re only fucking yourself.  Tell yourself you have things under control when your life is completely unmanageable.
  4. Live in the past– We all know how this plays out.  Clinging onto the comfort of people, places and things that no longer serve us.  I’ve achieved expert level in this behavior.  Dwell so hard motherfuckers wanna fine me!  It’s pretty simple, fucking around in your past won’t get you to your future.
  5. Stay in your comfort zone– Don’t challenge yourself by doing anything new or difficult.  Only do those 3-4 things you’re great at that don’t work for you.
  6. Mock others who take risks and try new things–  This is a excellent use of time.  Look how stupid those people are, doing things you’re too afraid to attempt. What a bunch of suckers.  Let’s point out their flaws and failures so we can feel better about ourselves.
  7. Drink and use drugs too often– Hangovers are awesome!  Keep giving days away, laying on your couch accomplishing nothing.  The road to success is paved upon these principles.
  8. Expect overnight success– If you don’t get the result you dreamed off on your first attempt, you certainly never will.  Quit while you still can.  Everyone who has ever created anything great did it on the first try.  Being a millionaire or getting a great body happens within a week at the most.  Haven’t you ever seen those ads, they certainly wouldn’t lie.
  9. Set goals with no game plan– Don’t worry about what it will take to reach your goals, those detail aren’t important.  The saying “what gets measured gets managed” is complete bullshit.  What really matters is making some arbitrary goal based on a genie granting you a wish.  People don’t realize genies, leprechauns and four leaf clovers are the true means by which people achieve their goals.  It’s all about luck and wishing; not hard work, dedication and design.

Stick to these key points and I promise your 2016 will be as shitty as your 2015.  You will waste another year watching life pass you by.  However, on the bright side, you won’t have to work hard or do anything that makes you uncomfortable.  You can be the same sack of shit you were in years past.  The Glass is half full.  Cheers and happy New Year’s!

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